LIARS [Adapted from NEVER BE LIED TO AGAIN]
-David Lieberman, PhD
SIGNS OF DECEPTION [Some of these seem contradictory. Look for number, combinations, and patterns]
Body Language
Little eye contact; will not face, head or body shifts away and shrinks, slouches
Limited physical expression, stiff mechanical movements, arms and legs held close to body
Gestures don’t match and are out of time with words and emotions, partial shrugs
Closed hands, do not use finger to point, touch self only on face and throat
Do not touch others, may absent-mindedly place objects in between you
Look up and in direction of dominant eye to invent a “memory” [opposite to recall one]
Everyone has “tells”, if you can identify them. Covering mouth is common
He is anxious [may fake casualness], and changing the subject causes him to relax
Remains expressionless when accused [focused on planning a defense]
He does not become indignant when “falsely” accused, as an innocent person would
What Is Said
Hates silence, and will tend to talk [Stare and wait for him to start talking]
Keeps volunteering more info to try to convince; parrots your words to make his point
Changes subject or uses red herrings trying to limit challenges [Innocent insist on resolving]
Comes up with “better” alternatives, to sidetrack the issue
Freudian slips; Projection: People often guilty of what they accuse others
Depersonalizes answer, i.e. states his “belief” on the subject, rather than a direct answer
Implies the answer, rather than stating it directly
Doesn’t use contractions, e.g. says, “It was not me”
Tries to establish rapport and trust by talking of things in common
Beware compliments and confirmations of your beliefs and attitudes
If he focuses on consequences, probably lying [if continues to deny fault, probably not]
Uses phrases like, “To tell the truth”, “Honestly”, and has pat answers
What he claims sounds implausible, or he uses humor or sarcasm to belittle accusations
As they say, if it sounds too good to be true it probably is
Numbers seem to match or be multiples of each other
A lie about one thing makes everything said questionable
How It’s Said
Defensive [vs. going on offense, which is a sign of truth], and looks for reassurances
Statements may sound like questions, indicating a need for reassurance [Be noncommittal]
Stalling, e.g. asking to repeat or rephrase questions. Deceitful responses may take time to think up
Response may be out of proportion or context to the question, e.g. politicians
May leave out pronouns, garble grammar and syntax
More interested in how he sounds than whether you understand
Any third party point of view is absent [which would have to be invented]
Often leave out the negatives of a story as well as other details [which have to be invented]
Answers your questions but does not ask any
HUMAN BEHAVIOR
Decisions are 90% emotional. Appeal to emotion, with logic to justify
Easy to lie to one who wants to be deceived. Takes exceptional person to see unpleasant truth
Actions are taken to avoid pain or receive pleasure. Watch their motives and reinforce this
Situations seem most significant if crucial, all-encompassing, and permanent
Vs. insignificant, isolated, and temporary. Emphasize whichever fits strategy
Emotional state is directly related to physical state. Try to change first by changing second
Involve all of the senses possible
If arguing is futile, stop. Exaggerating their point of view may show them the absurdity of it
People will only change their mind if given at least some additional info—a “new” decision
People tend to do what you expect. E.g., acting as if something is a fait accompli is powerful
To get someone to do something, simplify how easy it is, and vice versa
Always be willing to walk away, or they know they gotcha
STRATEGY AND TACTICS
General Principles
When the signs of lying are there, believe it
Prepare in advance: Review evidence, set strategy, think of questions, etc. Call him by name
Always control emotions. If you act angry it better be feigned
Decide whether to build rapport, be confrontational, fake anger, act ignorant or naive, etc
To build rapport, match posture, movements, speech patterns, vocabulary, things in common
Establish “baseline”: Ask questions you know answers to, and observe behavior, emotions, etc
Never reveal what you know, except intentionally as a tactic
Never ask a person to tell the truth, ask them to tell the “whole story”
Avoid interrupting, and use silence to draw out additional responses
Direct the conversation: The one who takes the initiative determines the course of conversation
At the end of their statement, to elicit more, say: Meaning? And? So? Now? Why? How?
If he won’t let you talk say, “Answer this so I can give you my full attention”, “Let me get your opinion”, “I know you’d want me to ask this”, “Before you say anything else, answer this”, “Can anyone else get a word in edgewise?”, “I don’t think that’s correct”, etc.
It may be a battle of wills, so refuse to back down—be overtly or subtly relentless
In General Conversation
Casually talk “about” the situation, or about certain principles, with no hint of accusation
Do not be too general or too specific, and be very casual
Watch for signs: evasiveness, defensiveness, changing the subject, body language, etc
Change the subject briefly, to see if he relaxes when the heat’s off
Ask for a fact and note if the answer is slow, evasive, lacks detail, tries to change the subject
Add a false, plausible fact or expand on their fact and see if they simply go along with it
Ask for proof, in a non-threatening way, without direct accusation
If know almost all, and can guess rest, set up questions to which response shows guilt
Allude, rather than accuse
Describe a similar “hypothetical” scenario to the one at issue, that puts the heat on
e.g. “It’s curious how someone could think they could do X with no one seeing them”
Introduce evidence with the preamble you expect he can explain it away
Act as if something is bothering you or you are hurt, but don’t discuss it directly
Making It Difficult To Lie
Try to have the evidence for your case nailed down, so there’s no basis to deny it
Don’t accuse or ask for confession, assume the facts, state at least 2 truisms pointing to truth
If possible, keep him from knowing the answer you want so he doesn’t know how to lie
Assume the act by shifting focus from what was done to why. Encourage self-justification
Act distant and apathetic. It makes him feel insignificant, and he may want to “show you”
Direct Confrontation [This will cut off further indirect approaches]
Face directly, and move closer. Act quickly, speak fast, and keep the pressure on
Demand specific info, so simple denial is not enough. Use open-ended questions
Ask leading questions that assume the answer. Begin with innocuous ones
Make outrageous, exaggerated accusations and observe the reaction
Act as if you know for certain what you don’t know, and play on guilt. Everyone has some
Say, “We both know what I’m referring to” or “Everyone knows”, and hold your ground
Claim third-party confirmation. Peer pressure can be powerful
“Silver Bullet” Tactics:
Ask, “Anything you want to get off your chest?” Open-ended way to put him on the defensive
Volunteer something of your own misbehavior—preferably worse
Imply the act was actually good, or had good effect. Offer a reduced punishment—or reward
Show how refusing cooperation gets him nothing or worse, and cooperation will get something
Create a deadline or, on the contrary, keep him in the dark about when the axe will fall`
Blame yourself, a third party, or an accident of circumstances to give him an excuse
Appeal to ego, either attack or inflate it
Do not necessarily explain the threat in detail, keep it vague, create an unknown
Reverse course, by acting as if the answer he thinks you want really isn’t
Confuse the chronology or actual time, which is difficult for him to track if he’s lying
Go back over the same territory, if a situation is complex, and see if answers change
Horns of a dilemma: He may admit to one thing if the option is something worse
Cut off conversation after accusations are made. Innocent person will insist on talking about it
Propose a very difficult option. If he readily agrees he has no intention of complying
TRUTH BLOCKERS TO GUARD AGAINST
Self-Deception: From own opinions, attitudes, emotions, beliefs. Must recognize and suspend
You’re like me: We tend to believe those who seem to be like us
Gifts: May be trying to create an obligation [Or contra, per B. Franklin]
Half price: Half of what? All comparisons are subject to question
At least do this: Asks for something big, then what is really wanted seems relatively small
Bandwagon effect: Everyone is doing it
The white lab coat: Creates the specious appearance of expertise and credibility
Statistics: Use of statistics and charts creates “official”, factual, often false, appearance
Hard to get: Rare doesn’t mean valuable
I’m on your side: Maybe, but what axe is he grinding?
What are you actually getting?: Is it really what you thought you were promised?
Reverse psychology: Subtle attack on ego to get you to do what you don’t really want to
SOCIOPATHS [The rules go out the window]
They are professional liars, and they can strip you clean before you know what hit you
Have lied so long and pervasively they can no longer tell truth from lies
They demonstrate all the signs of telling the truth. Can even fool a lie detector
Watched Bill Clinton in a TV interview. All the right signs were there:
Eye contact, leaned forward and faced, pointed finger, total sincerity—he believes himself
Not only highly accomplished liars, but also often charming and expert in social graces
Seem too good to be true. You really like them and want to believe and trust them
May work with great subtlety and convincing rationalizations to involve you in their schemes
Charming people may be genuine, but watch carefully for signs of dishonesty—and believe them
They rationalize, joke about honesty, act counter to their “values”—with excuses for their actions
Insist others are 1] dishonest, so dishonesty is a justified “defense”, or are 2] sheep to be sheared