“Happiness is the design and object of our existence, and will be the end thereof if we pursue the path that leads to it.” –Joseph Smith

“People are about as happy as they make up their mind to be.” –Abraham Lincoln

“People worry a lot about happiness. If they’d quit worrying about it and get on with doing what they need to be doing, they’d be a whole lot less unhappy”. -RC

 

20/20 News Program, January 2008

Determinants of Happiness

1. 50% is in the genes, e.g. some people just seem to be “born happy”
2. 10% is circumstances, e.g. childhood, looks, health, social status, where live
3. 40% is intentional attitudes and choices, particularly:

Goals and their pursuit

Relationships, which requires the ability and effort to develop and maintain them

Positive meditation: Kind thoughts, compassion, counting blessings

Half hour each day can make the change in 2 weeks!

Fundamentals of Happiness

1. Certain activities create feelings of happiness, e.g. socializing, praying, sex

Happiness is not a “state”; it comes a moment at a time, from things engaged in

Having kids was not shown necessarily to give happiness

2. Money: Have enough, not too much [a little more than friends], and spend it well
3. All happiness has some social basis: Not what you do, but who you do it with

The happiest people have a rich social life

4. Have a life “calling”, or use sheer will to turn your work into one
5. Develop “flow”. Easy to do with something you love; follow your bliss

Happiest places on earth [US is 23d]*

Denmark is the happiest country, despite 63% tax rate

Homogeneous society: 9 of 10 are full-blood Danes, 8 of 10 are Lutheran

All jobs have similar pay and status, and there is strong trust of each other

Everyone is well provided for, and there are few rich and little desire for it

As Muslims, and conflict, increase in the population, happiness is declining

92% of Danes belong to one or more gov’t-sponsored social clubs

Singapore has the happiest people in Asia

This despite the fact it has extremely strict laws and high taxes

E.g. beaten with a cane for spitting in public

Believe US has too much freedom!

The country is clean, safe, stable, and economically secure

Corruption is discouraged by paying top gov’t officials $1mm per year

The people are more materialistic than the Danes, and somewhat less content

There are some rich people, but they feel least secure, and want even more

Unhappiest places are where there is extreme poverty, instability, or insecurity

E. g. starving countries in Africa

Italians are least happy in Europe, because of total corruption

 

THE EFFECTS OF SUCCESS ON HAPPINESS

ABC News program, circa 1992

Americans who were interviewed expressed several expectations re happiness:

Most believe money is the key, but studies proved newly rich are only happy for about a year

Then, no matter how much they have, it is not enough and they want more

Many may spend compulsively to maintain their “happiness”, till bankrupt

Those who seek fame, as might be expected, are happy only as long as fame continues

Those who are ambitious are happy only as long as they continue to climb upward

Must continue to exceed the apparent success of others

All these things fail to bring real or lasting happiness

Contrary to these beliefs, several principles are conducive to continued real happiness:

Need to believe we have substantial control in our life

Found even among babies a few months old

Most important factor, ahead of money, for employees

Cannot feel in control unless accept responsibility for the things that happen to you

Need to be basically optimistic. Provides confidence one can deal with inevitable problems

With optimism, defeat spurs us on, rather than beating us down, and achievement follows

Need to work. Leisure is a curse to happiness; need meaningful activity

Need to get caught up in and experience challenge and the opportunity for achievement

While working in pursuit of other things, happiness happens

Need to have close relationships to which we are committed

Relationships, e.g. marriage, often break up when success occurs. Unhappiness follows

Need to believe something is more important than ourselves

Faith in God, and service to him, is a usual underpinning to all the other criteria for happiness

Gives sense of purpose and of commitment to something greater

MISCELLANY

Jean Chatsky, Money Magazine, polled 1,500 people. The finding:

Annual income over $50,000 makes no difference to happiness

Simmons and Chatsky: Purposeful work, religion, and family make people happy

Many have negative mental tapes that say, “You’re not happy, shouldn’t be happy, don’t deserve to be happy”. Those tapes need to be fought

Dr John Izzo, who studies happiness,interviewed 250 people age of 60-106. They all agreed there are five true secrets to happiness: Be True to Yourself, Leave No Regrets, Become Love, Live the Moment, and Give More Than You Take.

CONCLUSIONS

• Achieving happiness can be accomplished, and it is therefore worth the effort!

Circumstances [10%] can be worked on to a degree; attitude and activities [40%] a lot

• Look for something greater than self: e.g. God, a cause, community, service, etc
• Spend time each day reading “feel-good” stories, and displace the negative tapes
• Maintain many social contacts and close relationships, e.g. family, and make them good
• Have short- and long-term goals: career, hobbies, travel, etc, and work regularly toward them
• Avoid materialism, but work on having enough to comfortably meet needs
• Deal with and resolve the problems in your life

 

This is a terrible world, filled with violence, misery, and hate

This is a wonderful world, filled with kindness, happiness, and love

Which world do you choose to see?

Which world do you choose to live in?

– RC

*Suicide rates/100,000: Russia: 34.3. Japan: 24. Denmark: 13.6. Sweden: 13.2. Iceland: 12.6. Canada: 11.9. Norway: 11.5. U.S: 11. Singapore: 9.5. Italy: 7.1. U.K: 7. Jamaica: 0.1.

 

 – Ps 82:6

How is your self esteem? Can you judge? Know how it differs from ego? How it relates to umility?

Self esteem is crucial: [Steinbeck:] to like others, [Maxwell:] to love God, [Kimball:] to CTR

Psychologist MacDougall [quoted by Kimball]:

“The first thing to be done to help a man to moral regeneration is to restore his self-respect.”

Much—most?—evil is done not by evil people from evil intentions, but from low self esteem, protecting a sorry ego

Everyone is insecure, just a question of what areas, how much. Tho we’re not unique, often let it grind us down:

Anger, defensiveness, lack confidence, fear, indecisiveness, poor relationships, argumentativeness, controlling, hide it, pull others down, seek constant approval, boastfulness

Recognize the appearance of confidence and self esteem in others can be deceptive

Paradoxically, some of the seemingly most confident people are some of the most insecure

What’s on the outside does not always reflect what’s on the inside—they fake it

Arrogance is always evidence of low self esteem, whatever status may appear to be

[Covey:] The focus today is on technique [outward skills], not character [inward battle]

Recognize can have self esteem despite insecurities. [D&C:] “I give men weakness. . .” Be grateful for it!

[Kimball:] “God, help me to hold a high opinion of myself. Not an abnormally developed self-esteem that becomes haughtiness, conceit, or arrogance, but a righteous self-respect that might be defined as belief in one’s own worth, worth to God, and worth to man.” Gives confidence: “Right is might”

J. Smith was humble, but many thought him arrogant. He was certainly cocky!

The difference? [J Smith:] Nature of man to desire to excel, but should want others to excel also

Since self esteem is imperative both to temporal and spiritual success, how develop true, healthy self esteem?

First. The foundation: “Who am I?” 1] Child of God—literally. 2] His elect, with promises: “Eye hath not seen”

How know? Scriptures, P. Blessing, prayer, [Jesus:] “What manner of men ought ye to be?”

We should be what others admire and want righteously to emulate. Think it, look it, talk it, act it:

[Mandela:] “Playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened. . .”

[Jesus:] Salt; “Do not hide your light under bushel”. [Gillette:] “Look sharp, Feel sharp, Be sharp!”

Be grateful, grateful, grateful—let it fill your soul to bursting

Second. The acronym “CAST”. Each of the 4 is necessary—not enough to know God loves you

To extent develop these, will have self esteem. Must be a balance—excess of one will not compensate

C: Conscience can eat you alive! “All have sinned”, but have I truly repented? Resolved with Bishop? [Duplantis:] “Admit it, quit it, forget it”. Have sense of forgiveness, worthiness from Spirit?

Need to feel, deep inside, God has forgiven you, and sacrifice is acceptable. “Tho sins as scarlet”

A: Achievement. Reasonable success at the things that really matter

Spiritual, educational, relational, occupational

Requires goals, work, growth, dealing with challenges and failure: [Churchill:] “Never give up!”

But measure by proper yardstick, not world’s: How much good done, own gifts [Covey:] Mission

How good are you? At least as good as the best you’ve ever done. With God, vast limits

S: Service. The Dead Sea takes in but won’t give out. [Jesus:] “Cast thy bread upon the water”

Most imp: Lift others and build their self esteem: Help them become their best, too

T: Tapes. Negative mental tapes—most from childhood—go round and round in our head, e.g. Dick Carlson

How you think: Need to replace the negative mental tapes with positive. [Prov:] “Dog returns to its vomit”

[McKay:] “Tell me what a man thinks about, and I’ll tell you what he is.” Think like one of elect

Force self to focus on positives. One negative can grow huge if focused on—fight them!

Remind yourself who you are, what capable of, both in life and eternity

For good self esteem, keep it simple: 1] develop the principles of CAST: clear your Conscience, work to Achieve worthy goals, Serve, replace negative Tapes. 2] Focus always on who you are: Not only a child of God, but his elect. Ps 82:6 and Rom 8:17 tell us, “Ye are gods, and children of the most High”. . . “and as children, heirs of God, and joint heirs with Jesus Christ”. Be humbly grateful to the Lord for his promise—and believe in yourself by believing him.

-David Lieberman, PhD

SIGNS OF DECEPTION [Some of these seem contradictory. Look for number, combinations, and patterns]

Body Language

Little eye contact; will not face, head or body shifts away and shrinks, slouches

Limited physical expression, stiff mechanical movements, arms and legs held close to body

Gestures don’t match and are out of time with words and emotions, partial shrugs

Closed hands, do not use finger to point, touch self only on face and throat

Do not touch others, may absent-mindedly place objects in between you

Look up and in direction of dominant eye to invent a “memory” [opposite to recall one]

Everyone has “tells”, if you can identify them. Covering mouth is common

He is anxious [may fake casualness], and changing the subject causes him to relax

Remains expressionless when accused [focused on planning a defense]

He does not become indignant when “falsely” accused, as an innocent person would

What Is Said

Hates silence, and will tend to talk [Stare and wait for him to start talking]

Keeps volunteering more info to try to convince; parrots your words to make his point

Changes subject or uses red herrings trying to limit challenges [Innocent insist on resolving]

Comes up with “better” alternatives, to sidetrack the issue

Freudian slips; Projection: People often guilty of what they accuse others

Depersonalizes answer, i.e. states his “belief” on the subject, rather than a direct answer

Implies the answer, rather than stating it directly

Doesn’t use contractions, e.g. says, “It was not me”

Tries to establish rapport and trust by talking of things in common

Beware compliments and confirmations of your beliefs and attitudes

If he focuses on consequences, probably lying [if continues to deny fault, probably not]

Uses phrases like, “To tell the truth”, “Honestly”, and has pat answers

What he claims sounds implausible, or he uses humor or sarcasm to belittle accusations

As they say, if it sounds too good to be true it probably is

Numbers seem to match or be multiples of each other

A lie about one thing makes everything said questionable

How It’s Said

Defensive [vs. going on offense, which is a sign of truth], and looks for reassurances

Statements may sound like questions, indicating a need for reassurance [Be noncommittal]

Stalling, e.g. asking to repeat or rephrase questions. Deceitful responses may take time to think up

Response may be out of proportion or context to the question, e.g. politicians

May leave out pronouns, garble grammar and syntax

More interested in how he sounds than whether you understand

Any third party point of view is absent [which would have to be invented]

Often leave out the negatives of a story as well as other details [which have to be invented]

Answers your questions but does not ask any

HUMAN BEHAVIOR

Decisions are 90% emotional. Appeal to emotion, with logic to justify

Easy to lie to one who wants to be deceived. Takes exceptional person to see unpleasant truth

Actions are taken to avoid pain or receive pleasure. Watch their motives and reinforce this

Situations seem most significant if crucial, all-encompassing, and permanent

Vs. insignificant, isolated, and temporary. Emphasize whichever fits strategy

Emotional state is directly related to physical state. Try to change first by changing second

Involve all of the senses possible

If arguing is futile, stop. Exaggerating their point of view may show them the absurdity of it

People will only change their mind if given at least some additional info—a “new” decision

People tend to do what you expect. E.g., acting as if something is a fait accompli is powerful

To get someone to do something, simplify how easy it is, and vice versa

Always be willing to walk away, or they know they gotcha

STRATEGY AND TACTICS

General Principles

When the signs of lying are there, believe it

Prepare in advance: Review evidence, set strategy, think of questions, etc. Call him by name

Always control emotions. If you act angry it better be feigned

Decide whether to build rapport, be confrontational, fake anger, act ignorant or naive, etc

To build rapport, match posture, movements, speech patterns, vocabulary, things in common

Establish “baseline”: Ask questions you know answers to, and observe behavior, emotions, etc

Never reveal what you know, except intentionally as a tactic

Never ask a person to tell the truth, ask them to tell the “whole story”

Avoid interrupting, and use silence to draw out additional responses

Direct the conversation: The one who takes the initiative determines the course of conversation

At the end of their statement, to elicit more, say: Meaning? And? So? Now? Why? How?

If he won’t let you talk say, “Answer this so I can give you my full attention”, “Let me get your opinion”, “I know you’d want me to ask this”, “Before you say anything else, answer this”, “Can anyone else get a word in edgewise?”, “I don’t think that’s correct”, etc.

It may be a battle of wills, so refuse to back down—be overtly or subtly relentless

In General Conversation

Casually talk “about” the situation, or about certain principles, with no hint of accusation

Do not be too general or too specific, and be very casual

Watch for signs: evasiveness, defensiveness, changing the subject, body language, etc

Change the subject briefly, to see if he relaxes when the heat’s off

Ask for a fact and note if the answer is slow, evasive, lacks detail, tries to change the subject

Add a false, plausible fact or expand on their fact and see if they simply go along with it

Ask for proof, in a non-threatening way, without direct accusation

If know almost all, and can guess rest, set up questions to which response shows guilt

Allude, rather than accuse

Describe a similar “hypothetical” scenario to the one at issue, that puts the heat on

e.g. “It’s curious how someone could think they could do X with no one seeing them”

Introduce evidence with the preamble you expect he can explain it away

Act as if something is bothering you or you are hurt, but don’t discuss it directly

Making It Difficult To Lie

Try to have the evidence for your case nailed down, so there’s no basis to deny it

Don’t accuse or ask for confession, assume the facts, state at least 2 truisms pointing to truth

If possible, keep him from knowing the answer you want so he doesn’t know how to lie

Assume the act by shifting focus from what was done to why. Encourage self-justification

Act distant and apathetic. It makes him feel insignificant, and he may want to “show you”

Direct Confrontation [This will cut off further indirect approaches]

Face directly, and move closer. Act quickly, speak fast, and keep the pressure on

Demand specific info, so simple denial is not enough. Use open-ended questions

Ask leading questions that assume the answer. Begin with innocuous ones

Make outrageous, exaggerated accusations and observe the reaction

Act as if you know for certain what you don’t know, and play on guilt. Everyone has some

Say, “We both know what I’m referring to” or “Everyone knows”, and hold your ground

Claim third-party confirmation. Peer pressure can be powerful

“Silver Bullet” Tactics:

Ask, “Anything you want to get off your chest?” Open-ended way to put him on the defensive

Volunteer something of your own misbehavior—preferably worse

Imply the act was actually good, or had good effect. Offer a reduced punishment—or reward

Show how refusing cooperation gets him nothing or worse, and cooperation will get something

Create a deadline or, on the contrary, keep him in the dark about when the axe will fall`

Blame yourself, a third party, or an accident of circumstances to give him an excuse

Appeal to ego, either attack or inflate it

Do not necessarily explain the threat in detail, keep it vague, create an unknown

Reverse course, by acting as if the answer he thinks you want really isn’t

Confuse the chronology or actual time, which is difficult for him to track if he’s lying

Go back over the same territory, if a situation is complex, and see if answers change

Horns of a dilemma: He may admit to one thing if the option is something worse

Cut off conversation after accusations are made. Innocent person will insist on talking about it

Propose a very difficult option. If he readily agrees he has no intention of complying

TRUTH BLOCKERS TO GUARD AGAINST

Self-Deception: From own opinions, attitudes, emotions, beliefs. Must recognize and suspend

You’re like me: We tend to believe those who seem to be like us

Gifts: May be trying to create an obligation [Or contra, per B. Franklin]

Half price: Half of what? All comparisons are subject to question

At least do this: Asks for something big, then what is really wanted seems relatively small

Bandwagon effect: Everyone is doing it

The white lab coat: Creates the specious appearance of expertise and credibility

Statistics: Use of statistics and charts creates “official”, factual, often false, appearance

Hard to get: Rare doesn’t mean valuable

I’m on your side: Maybe, but what axe is he grinding?

What are you actually getting?: Is it really what you thought you were promised?

Reverse psychology: Subtle attack on ego to get you to do what you don’t really want to

SOCIOPATHS [The rules go out the window]

They are professional liars, and they can strip you clean before you know what hit you

Have lied so long and pervasively they can no longer tell truth from lies

They demonstrate all the signs of telling the truth. Can even fool a lie detector

Watched Bill Clinton in a TV interview. All the right signs were there:

Eye contact, leaned forward and faced, pointed finger, total sincerity—he believes himself

Not only highly accomplished liars, but also often charming and expert in social graces

Seem too good to be true. You really like them and want to believe and trust them

May work with great subtlety and convincing rationalizations to involve you in their schemes

Charming people may be genuine, but watch carefully for signs of dishonesty—and believe them

They rationalize, joke about honesty, act counter to their “values”—with excuses for their actions

Insist others are 1] dishonest, so dishonesty is a justified “defense”, or are 2] sheep to be sheared

–Wm. Byham

Zapp! is the key to successful organizations

Only way for continuous improvement

Only way to continue to adapt in constant change

Only way to succeed against increasing competition

Only way to get excited about work, to take responsibility

Only way to achieve “critical mass”

It is easy to Sapp. It is hard to Zapp

First step to Zapp: Maintain self-esteem of self and others

Second step to Zapp: Listen and respond with empathy

Third step to Zapp: Ask for help in solving problems

Seek ideas, suggestions, and information

Soul of Zapp: Offer help w/o taking away responsibility

Most important person: employee’s immediate supervisor

Delegation is central to Zapp. Choices in delegating:

Keep the task

Delegate responsibility without authority

Delegate responsibility and authority

This is the only way to Zapp

With delegation comes the need to set up controls

A boss who over-controls Sapps his people

A boss who abandons control Sapps his people

A boss who uses situational control Zapps his people

People respond negatively to inappropriate controls

Share responsibility, don’t abandon responsibility

Mgmt still has responsibility to: Know what’s going on;

set direction; make final decisions; ensure on course;

clear the way

Zapp does not guide, it excites. Action must be channeled:

Set the direction to go

Provide knowledge, skills, and training

Provide resources

Delegate

Determine the goal

As goals are achieved, set others

Establish measurements and give constant feedback

If possible, let people set their own goals, measurements, timetable, etc

Creating teams spreads Zapp [or Sapp, if not successful]

Zapped team more productive than group of Zapped

individuals

Give team members a say in team membership

Establish a mission for the team

Provide time and place to meet

Provide technical training at the right time

Provide leadership for interacting, solving problems,

making decisions, taking action

Allow team to handle as many issues as possible:

Work assignments, motivation, leader selection, goals,

members, productivity, problem solving, etc.

More decisions team can make, more Zapped they are

Coaching

Be a model of Zapp: Knowledge, responsibility, enthusiasm

teamwork, trust,etc.

Explain purpose and importance; describe process to use;

show how; observe practice and give feedback; express

confidence; agree on follow-up

Learning more about the job boosts Zapp

People learn faster from successes than failures

Provide a Zapp organization

Fattening Sapps, Flattening Zapps

Protect people from Sapp and from people who cause Sapp

Be sure subordinate managers have Zapp skills

Coach and monitor them

Reward Zapp immediately

Provide a clear path up

Generally create an environment which encourages Zapp

Keep learning, growing, progressing

Keep studying and practicing these notes!

–McGinnis

 

Goal is not to make lazy people industrious–it can’t be done

Rather to channel energies of energetic people

There must be an inner drive already there

Not manipulation, but persuasion to work in own best interest

Find goals good for all and develop a “partnership”

Success depends more on leadership than hard work

Success always requires leverage

Leader must be a working psychologist

Spend the time organizing and motivating–leverage

Success must occur through the group for best effect

Positive mental set of the group generates enthusiasm

Enthusiasm feeds on itself until “critical mass”

occurs, like a nuclear reaction

Strongly shared values and objectives provides a “culture”

An extra 10% from each person is difference between

failure and success

COMMIT TO EXCELLENCE AND EXPECT THE BEST

Have strict core values–build team which supports

Encourage pride in a good job; they buy in or get out

Loose standards say its not worth caring about

Stay with them and push–raise hell if not done

Reprimand 1) immediately 2) confirm facts 3) be specific

4) show feelings. Allow them to be unhappy with you

Set the standard for each goal and make it clear: people

want to do a good job

Attitude: the best is always yet to be done

Create environment where people can do all they are capable

Believe in the best

A person is as good as the best he’s ever done

Build on people’s strengths; deemphasize weaknesses

Help them to succeed–concentrate on this

Great ability is the ability to recognize ability

Difficulty should be a challenge–struggle excites and inspires

People long for a cause–try to create causes

A cause will overcome boredom and lack of focus

Do not intimidate or ask the impossible

Provide for a series of successes

Goals must be challenging but realistic

Graded progression provides for feedback

MOTIVATION

Start from where the person is, not where they ought to be

Help people recognize what they want and how to get it

Use two-way communication

Must know the person and his values–everyone is

different

Dig for needs and wants–these are in constant flux

Continuously seek to better understand people dealt with

People will explain how to motivate them if talk to enough

Help people set goals, plan, and then achieve the plan

Encourage big dreams and write down goals

Work to develop their ideas which you can support

Help people clarify their goals which are mutual

In effect, join their bandwagon

Goals must fit the group effort, and be very specific

Divergence from goal will energize correction

Same stimulus as hunger or frustration

Get commitment from individuals to support the group

Be certain public declaration only on positive concepts

Treat negatives by ignoring–addressing only reinforces

Maintenance of perceived self is basis of all behavior

Get them started

Attitudes follow behavior

Get a small commitment; later ask for larger, congruent

one–it supports the new self-image

Use models of success

Models may be from outside or inside the group

Stories of conflict, struggle, success

These stir feelings and change attitudes

Prove achievement is within reach

Create visual images of success

Have people relive own successes

Small Successes Lead to Bigger Ones

Repeater tendency: success breeds success

Look for successes–even small ones–and encourage

Develop the art of praise to reinforce desired behavior

Make gratitude a habit; employees, customers, etc.

People starve for appreciation

Create a winning environment

Develop systems to reinforce winning

Poor companies: less than half meet company’s goals.

Good companies: most do.

Use: public commendations, give something tangible,

every success is a celebration, put it in writing if really

exceptional, be specific (this also reinforces). Do this

for customers too.

Too much reward weakens motivation

Don’t create reinforcement junkies

Praise the process as well as the result

E.g.: Someone trying hard may not be succeeding

TEAMWORK

Key is to draw people to the group, more than to the leader

Most work best in a team

Mutual loyalty develops need to belong: reward cooperation

Assign high value to communication

Group takes responsibility for own standards

Group must believe leader puts their needs first

Must be genuinely caring–develop relationship of

trust

If so, will even put up with an autocrat

Share discomfort, danger

Be consistent, keep your word, treat people fairly

Absolutely never betray a trust

Breach is fastest demoralizer

Individual must know he’s part of group, but still an

individual

The individual must count (e.g., if you salvage one

employee, it is noted by all)

Have fun–take time to keep people laughing; go away

together

Competition

Instinct to compete born in most people; strong tool

for motivation, but use sparingly

Encourage excelling, not beating

Use comparisons to inspire, not criticize

Emotions provide great drive

Anger, fear, etc.–but use with care

Must be legitimate: injustice, wrong, etc.

Provide focus and energy and pull people together

MANAGE FAILURE

Ability to deal with failure varies extremely among people

Fear of failure kills drive

Failure inevitable–must be able to remotivate after

Ability to fail is critical to success

Be aware of failure and have a plan to counteract it

People must know failure is not fatal

Responsibility but not blame

E.g. shift jobs, assign task that allows success, etc.

Plan must fit circumstances and person

Praise and Reprimand

Use both, however negative must also include instruction

Do not be punitive or mean–but be bloody direct

Must fear consequences of actions–not you

Be tough but fair; show legitimate emotions

Do not procrastinate reproof–do it immediately

If privileges removed, do so for only short time

Provide means to earn back

Purpose not to control but to guide

Point out consequences and choices

Use guilt carefully and infrequently

Troublemakers

Have an allowance for storms

A lot easier to bank a fire than build one

The stronger the group, the more likely conflict will

occur

Absorb others’ complaints–let it ventilate up, not out

Know when to step in

Appeal to people’s best side

Get to reasons: real one v. one stated

Ask for help, rather than dictating

Allow for some strange behavior

Ask self: “Is it really damaging”

Weigh contribution: sometimes life just too short to

deal with someone; sometimes they’re worth the

problem

LEADERSHIP

Keys: 1) know the people 2) generate excitement

Enthusiasm is the flywheel which carries saw through

knots

A certain excessiveness is necessary. Be intense.

Don’t be “one of the boys”: a little eccentricity even helps

Think bold–but act. Be able to communicate the dream in a

big picture. Get people fired up. Take risks.

Take criticism well, no matter how it stings. Beware hubris.

Be certain everyone is getting full value

Keep own motivation high–that is a choice

Be really committed to the program

Monitor ideas coming into your mind–kill negative ones

Associate with successful, positive people

Plan goals in writing and continually review

Helping others can be life’s greatest happiness

Be future oriented

Love it, dream it, talk it–the best is still ahead!

–Dale Carnegie

 

[Note: When I taught negotiation I said that you frequently can either get what makes you feel good or you can get what you want. Ego is the problem. To get what you want, ego must be subordinated, which requires humility and sound self esteem. Carnegie’s famous bookHOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE offers specific techniques and has many examples. To be most effective, these principles must be followed as a matter of character, not as manipulative techniques. Following these principles requires acting differently from others and differently from natural inclinations. Perhaps the greatest leadership is to be able to practice these principles on oneself! While these skills are being developed, spend some time at the end of each day reviewing this outline and events of the day. Particularly analyze objectively your failures. How badly do you want to succeed at human relations?]

 

FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES FOR DEALING WITH PEOPLE

Always look for ways to give others honest and sincere appreciation

The thing people want most is to feel important

How you get a feeling of importance tells what your character is

People even go insane to feel important

Sincere, accurate appreciation is the most effective way to

make people feel important

Nourish their self-esteem–share their accomplishments and keep silent about your own

Speak ill of no one, and all the good you know of everyone

Flattery will not work–praise must be sincere and realistic

Practice by trying to have a positive effect on every person you meet

Never criticize or condemn others

All it does is cause resentment and kill desire

People will only make excuses when put on the defensive

Be humble: forgive and try to understand others. Remember:

Everyone has a story

If you will learn their story it’s almost impossible not to

like and respect them

Focus on what should be done, not on what is wrong

Arouse in others an eager want

Everything people do is because they want something

Only way to get anyone to do anything is if they want to

Seek pleasure or avoiding pain. Former is much more motivating

Show them how to get what they want, not what you want

Get to the other person’s point of view to find what they want

Try to get people to do something without ever talking

about what you want

Plant an idea and let them take the credit

TO MAKE OTHER PEOPLE LIKE YOU

Smile: It says, “I like you, I am glad to see you”

It can even be “seen” over the phone

Try to brighten others’ lives

Make doing what you do fun

Force yourself to smile–feeling follows action

Find a way to be grateful for your circumstances, whatever they are

Become genuinely interested in others

People are not interested in you, only in themselves

People like those who are interested in them

Be grateful when people give you their time and attention

Be as friendly as a dog, and sympathetic and helpful

Remember a person’s name is the sweetest sound

Make the effort to hear, learn, remember, and use it

Be a good listener; encourage them to talk about themselves and their interests

Be interested in what they are interested in

“Talk to people about themselves; they will listen for hours” -Disraeli

Listen intently, actively, and with concentration–let them do

most of the talking

Do not interrupt, contradict, correct, wander, or focus on

what you want to say next

Be a sounding board when needed: Better than giving advice

Make others feel important, sincerely

People’s deepest need. In all interactions try to fill it. Show

respect for everyone

Everyone is superior in some way. Find it and compliment it

Look for things to overtly admire by being sincerely

interested in other people

Do not try to impress with your own accomplishments

TO WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING

Begin in a quiet, soft-spoken, friendly way even when there is conflict

Smooth controversy by emphasizing points of agreement and

keeping a sense of humor

Talk in terms of their interests, to develop rapport, before

asking for anything

Lead, don’t drive. Aggressiveness does not lead to agreement

Let others do a great deal of the talking

When they recognize you really want to know their ideas

they will appreciate it and open up

Encourage them to come up with arguments pro and con and

weigh them for themselves

Plant an idea and let them develop it and feel it is theirs

Don’t ram your ideas down others’ throats. People don’t

like being “sold”

Ask others for advice

Get people saying “Yes”

Start with the things on which they agree. Get as many “yes”

answers as possible

Discuss their point of view and desires

Never argue

You can’t win an argument. Proving someone wrong won’t

make them like you

Jesus said, “Agree with thine adversary quickly”

Show respect for them and their opinions. Never say “You’re

wrong”

When told wrong, people want to argue, not agree

A look or intonation is as bad as words

Find a way to demonstrate someone is wrong without

actually saying so

e.g. Socratean method: ask questions that lead to the

answer

Try honestly to see things from their point of view

Even when wrong, others don’t think they are. Find

why think and act as do

Let the other person save face. You have no right to

damage another’s self respect

Agree you may be wrong and avoid all dogmatic or

inflammatory statements

Your open-mindedness can open the other’s mind

Minds can be changed only by gentle effort

Understand others’ opinions fully before making a

judgment

To keep disagreement from becoming argument:

• Welcome the disagreement–there’d be no progress if everyone always agreed!
• Sincerely thank them for their interest
• Distrust your own first impression–and say so
• Control your temper
• Emphasize areas of agreement; minimize disagreement
• Admit errors quickly, it shows courage and character
• Provide cooling down time for both to think; postpone the decision
• If they start yelling, let them get it out of their system, without over-reaction
• Keep listening to understand their point of view
• Express sympathy for their concerns, ideas, desires, and problems

Sincerely say: “I don’t blame you for thinking and feeling as you do. If I were you I am sure that I would also”

People crave sympathy; give it to them

TO BE A LEADER

When discipline is necessary, begin with praise and honest appreciation

Do not end a compliment with “but”, always use “and” as a

conjunction

Call attention to mistakes indirectly

Talk about how to improve, not what is wrong

Show humility and fairness by talking about your own

mistakes first

Instead of giving orders ask questions and give suggestions

Stimulate creativity and teamwork

Frame the request so it emphasizes the benefits to them

Praise the slightest improvement and every improvement

Use praise instead of criticism–reinforce positive behavior

Good things are reinforced and bad things will atrophy

To be credible, praise must be realistic, not flattery

Make the fault seem easy to correct

Praise things done right and minimize number and

magnitude of errors

Do not tell anyone they have no aptitude for something–

it destroys incentive and self esteem

Give others a reputation to live up to. Have high

expectations

They must respect you and know that you respect their ability

“Treat a person as he is, and he will remain as he is, but treat him as he can and ought to be and he will become such”

Appeal to nobler motives

People usually have two reasons: One that sounds good and

the real one

Help them think of the one that sounds good

Deemphasize the other

Throw down a challenge

All have fears, overcome them by challenge

Stimulate competition (with self and others), as a desire to excel

Dramatize

Stating something is not enough; use showmanship, get

attention: “A picture is worth a thousand words”

John Gottman

Book is based on empirical data from studies of 2000 marriages

Found much conventional wisdom is wrong

Similarities do not safeguard against divorce

Conflict does not necessarily lead to divorce

Anger is not a negative! It is necessary to a healthy marriage

It is how it is handled, not its existence. Value the struggles!

Lasting marriage results from resolution of inevitable conflicts

People who do not fight are likely in an unhappy marriage

Final solution is less important than communicating

Most important: The 5:1 ratio; Common arguing style

Women are the emotional leaders in marriage

Life conditions them to express, men to repress

Women can’t expect same verbal intimacy from husband as friend

Have unrealistic expectations of marriage

It is no one’s “job” to make the other happy

It’s usually the wife who begins the negative process

Attack causes withdrawal, attacks increase, w’drawal increases

Women tend to be too emotional, men too rational

In happy marriages this distinction is reduced

Men must learn not to avoid conflict, but to embrace anger

Recognize attack is not personal; Accept even if don’t agree

Women must confront gently, criticize less, stop mind reading

Both must learn more acceptance and treat respectfully

Successful marriages invariably use “repair mechanisms” in conflicts

Consciously and intentionally given and accepted to soothe

Express attention and affection, even if forced

Not necessarily done in a conciliatory tone, but they are done

May even be rude, but show involved, not withdrawing

Maintain eye contact, show you’re listening

Try to keep a sense of humor

At times don’t say anything, just listen

Do not issue ultimatums or force issues

Talk about how you are talking and arguing

Consciously agree to look for resolutions

The Magic Ratio: 5 to 1

5 positive strokes given by each for every negative hit

Most important determinant to successful marriage

Negatives are necessary to a healthy marriage

Better than 5 to 1 is not good!

There always will be differences, and these must be dealt with

Couples without conflict likely to end in divorce

One thing negatives do is reduce boredom and keep up passion!

Positives: Show interest, affection, caring, appreciation,

concern, empathy, acceptance, joke, share joy

In healthy marriages a “balance thermostat” kicks in for conflict

Positives—repair mechanisms—given, even if forced

They are carried and received by basic love and respect

Shown by gestures, eye contact, face, as well as words

Evidenced by positive comments to third parties about spouse

Marriages seem to settle into 1 of 5 styles—3 healthy, 2 not

Closer the marriage fits 1 of the 3, more likely to succeed

2 keys determine success: 5 to 1 ratio, agree on common style

Validating Style: Listen, understand, accept even if don’t agree

Little hostility, much respect and persuasion, moderate emotion

Each other’s best friend and good companion

Do a lot of active listening, mutual supporting

Much good faith and compromise to resolve conflicts

The classic ideal of a good marriage

Volatile Style: Very open about expressing negative feelings

Open and honest, often to the point of causing pain

Tease a lot, sometimes causing hurt; compete continually

Bicker over every minor thing, each trying to persuade

Interrupt rather than try to understand

See selves as both nurturing and expressive

But these serve to fuel the positives in the relationship

Many more negatives, but also many more positives

A lot of passion in the marriage—love “making up”

See selves as independent equals, interrupt each other often

Each needs a lot of personal space and independence

Avoidant Style: Minimize conflict, make light of differences

Little attempt made to solve issues: “agree to disagree”

Do not talk things out: Sweep conflicts under carpet and ignore

Focus on shared vision of a strong marriage

Bond so strong can overlook disagreement

Have least emotion and passion of 3 types

More the partners’ natural styles are same, more likely to succeed

Serious conflicts occur if styles differ; permeates all arguments

Each has different way to argue, show love, handle emotions

Every conflict has problem of how to argue and relate

E.g. avoidant style is seen as dishonesty by a volatile

Must analyze differences and compromise a common style

Survival of the marriage depends on this

Volatile and avoidant most difficult

Key: Whatever else, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling absolutely must be avoided by both. I.e. address the symptoms

2 types unhealthy marriages:

Hostile/engaged: Argue continually with great heat

Name calling and sarcasm, but look at each other and listen

Hostile/disengaged: Arguments hot, but do not look or listen

Generally detached and emotionally uninvolved with each other

Both types invariably characterized by a specific downward spiral

Criticism, then Contempt and Defensiveness, then Stonewalling

The 5 to 1 ratio is not maintained

The cycle is more and more difficult to break as it continues

Like a broken record, negative thoughts endlessly repetitive

If near a solution to an argument, one will sabotage

Healthy marriages can degenerate into one of these styles

Danger signs: Can’t remember why attracted, criticize to 3d

parties in front of spouse, remember nothing good from past

Criticism is general vs. complaints which are specific

“You are a jerk” vs. “I don’t like you yelling”

Complaining is good, and needs to be addressed

But complaints become criticism if they go unheeded

Frustration will lead into the spiral

Contempt is the intention to psychologically abuse partner

Attack sense of self by verbal and non-verbal abuse

Cannot even remember, do not communicate, any positives

Use by insults, name calling, sarcasm, mockery, body language

Done in front of 3d parties is absolute indicator of divorce

Defensiveness is completely natural reaction to contempt, criticism

Unfortunately, does not matter that you are right

It obstructs communication and nothing is resolved

Evidenced by: denying responsibility, excuses, cross-complaints,

yes-butting, repetitions—getting mutually louder and more vitriolic

Stonewalling is habitually refusing to listen to confrontation

Stonewallers are just trying to be neutral and avoid conflict

But partner becomes totally frustrated and wants to scream

Absolutely destructive. 85% are men, pressed by women

This downward spiral eventually becomes cast in stone

Feel like innocent victim: take no responsibility, take no action

Focus on righteous indignation: have total contempt, want revenge

Total emotional overload is a continual state

Identified by high heart rate, shallow breathing, tenseness

Become conditioned to respond irrationally

Everything a confirmation of negative feelings—self-fulfilling prophecy

Blind to any evidence of good, totally mistrustful

Every conflict reinforces futility; no longer try to resolve things

Continuously rehearse negative thoughts, forget all positives

Final stage: Parallel lives in same house; complete isolation from spouse

If the spiral is not broken and reversed the relationship is over

Once spiral down is cast in stone, only way to break is tell spouse:

“I love you and am lonely without you” [Not bad other times!]

Must consciously, intensely, and mutually work on specific plan:

Calm down. Disengage and take time-outs when necessary

Agree in advance to stick to one complaint per argument

Agree to argue only 15 minutes at a time—but agree to argue

Argue formally: agenda, state positions, divide argument time,

establish alternatives, look for compromises, make a decision

Validate each other verbally and by body language

Volatiles must learn this. Must tone down, edit what they say

Must follow common rules of politeness. Force it if needed

Express good as well as bad; apologize and take responsibility if wrong

Look for, specifically express positives and areas of agreement

Do not be hyperrational or give advice; acknowledge feelings

Agree absolutely not to criticize or express contempt

Force yourself to complain about specific incident only

Do not use arguments as a way to retaliate

Listen and speak non-defensively. Refuse to defend yourself

Must force self not to, it only results in escalation

Look for the imbedded complaint and respond only to that

Overlearn these techniques so can use when stressed—practice!

Share happy times: children, recreation, hobbies, business, church, etc.

     — Phil McGraw

1: You either “get it” or you don’t. Be honest with yourself

2: You create your own experience. Take responsibility

3: People do what works. Look for the payoffs, for self, others

4: You can’t change what you won’t admit. Face reality

5: Life rewards action. [Ready, fire, aim!]

6: There is no reality, only perception. [ABC. Not AC]

7: Life is managed, it is not cured. Take charge of it

8: You teach people how to treat you. Look at payoffs

9: If you don’t Forgive, it will destroy you.

10: You have to name it to claim it. What do you want?

Get Real

The world is highly competitive and there ain’t no Santa Claus

There’s no point whining about it

What is needed is a clear, knowledge-based strategy

to overcome problems and fulfill goals

Society is a disaster, and people are not trained to manage their lives

No one is taught how to be married, a parent, to manage their life, etc

There are idiots with fancy degrees who don’t know how to get out of the rain

For a successful life, you must have a life strategy

Most are in denial about their problems

Are you sick enough of your life to be willing to change?

Most do not recognize and test their assumptions

they want them to be true

Inertia: you have to be willing to change, and make an initial energetic effort

Indicators: Frustrated, in a rut, bored, just hanging on, in a comfort zone, failing, lonely, depressed

Problems do not resolve themselves

Don’t just need insight—need them to change right now

Assignment 1: List the top 5 things you have failed to fully admit to yourself about yourself

Look for poor life-management skills

Assignment 2: Write “The Story I’ll Tell Myself If I don’t Make Meaningful Change”. Where will you be? Why? What will you rationalize?

Have to accomplish 3 things: Learn yourself thoroughly and honestly; Learn the real ways of the world; Learn a life strategy to set and obtain goals

Life Law 1: You either get it or you don’t

If don’t get it you will fail, and live in great pain

You have to know how the world works

You have to find what makes you and others tick, to get self and others to do what you want, connect with others, and predict outcomes

You have to have knowledge and skills necessary to create the results you want

If you don’t, you’d better get used to being a have-not

Assignment 3: Look at the patterns of things you do in all areas of your life. Make a list of everything you take on blind faith that does not work

Maya Angelou: “You did what you knew how to do, and when you knew better you did better”

Understanding someone: What do they value? Want? Experiences and beliefs? Fears and prejudices? Common grounds? Feelings about self?

Characteristics: Greatest fear is rejection; need is acceptance. Must protect self esteem. Get what they want; talk about what they want to. Respond only to what they understand. Like people like themselves. Are often petty. Have hidden agendas. Wears a mask

Most imp person to influence: you. Need to enhance positive characteristics, eliminate negative

Need to influence others so feel good around you and know will be lifted up and motivated

LL 2: You create your own experience

Acknowledge and accept accountability for your life. Fault is not relevant—do not assign fault

Yourself or anyone else. Overcome perfectionism and judgments

Give yourself permission to be less than perfect, and to have accumulated baggage

People who fail always have someone else to blame

Finding fault creates a negative physiology, and programs failure

Whatever attitudes, relations, job satisfaction, health, you are accountable

If do not believe this, then accepting that you have no control. You are a passive victim

If don’t believe this, then will misdiagnose every problem and event in your life

Recognize that everything is a choice and you are the result of your choices

Recognize the rule of reciprocity: you get what you give

Examine the style you have in dealing with people, and recognize how that affects their response

List the rough edges, and work at eliminating them

If believe you are right about non-accountability you can and will do nothing to change it

If people won’t listen, it is your responsibility they do not understand you

Whatever situation, must believe the solution is within you

Must stop saying, “Why are they doing this to me”, and say, “Why doing this to myself”. “What thoughts, communications, behaviors can I change to change the result”

Assignment 4: List the 5 most significant times in life when you were a victim. Describe in enough detail to capture the emotion of it. Determine how you contributed substantially to the result

Assignment 5: Make a written list of your top 10 negative tapes. Carry a card, and list each as it comes up. Stop the tapes!

LL 3: People do what works

You have to identify the payoffs that drive your behavior and that of others. They have to be there

Control the payoffs to control your life. Have to control the cause and effect relationship

Payoffs are addictive, especially if they allow you to avoid pain

The real payoff may be very difficult to identify. Some are extremely unhealthy, some are good

Often we do things knowing that it will not be for our best. Recognize that at some level they work

Cannot eliminate negative behavior without knowing why it is done. To “get it” have to know

The payoff may be unconscious, even though we consciously know it is negative

Must look for the unconscious and conscious payoffs, and relative strength

E.g. parents may teach a child to scream and demand by rewarding that behavior by responding

Examine your relationships and determine what negative behavior you are rewarding

Look for the negative payoffs in your own life. Must stop paying yourself for negative behavior

When you sabotage yourself, there is a payoff. Must find and break it to stop the vicious circle

Often when found the power disappears

Assignment 6: Describe in detail the 5 most frustrating and negative behaviors in your life. Analyze the payoff you are getting from each, how your needs are “met”. May be acceptance, rejection, fear, avoiding risk or work, immediate vs. delayed gratification

LL 4: You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge

You have to be truthful and stop making excuses about what is not working in your life

Most do not want truth, they want validation—reinforcement whether right or wrong

People want to be right more than anything else

If you won’t take ownership of your role and responsibility you can do nothing

Bad habits become more and more entrenched

Have to be honest about where you are right now or will destroy your whole strategy for life

Lies come either by misrepresentation or by omission. They can even kill you

We lie to ourselves unconsciously, through denial, so have to make a real effort

Must look for and analyze warning signs in attitudes, behavior, and results

Need to look at every area that is not working in life. Must be absolutely brutal

If don’t do this, we are cheating ourselves. Doing so is our first positive step

If admit a problem, and responsibility for it, living with it becomes very difficult. You’re half there

Acknowledge: your problem, need knowledge, getting a payoff, personal characteristics leading to failure. If this causes pain that is a good thing—it will motivate change. Use it to advantage!

It’s difficult to make meaningful substantial changes. You cannot do it without total honesty

LL 5: Life rewards action

Make careful decisions, then pull the trigger. No one cares about intentions, they just look at results

The only thing that matters is action and results. It is the only way to measure yourself

When you choose the action you choose the consequence. It needs to be purposeful and directed

Assignment 7: Are you in a rut? List and examine your recurring activities

Do you make promises to yourself and others and not keep them? Do you let others do that?

Procrastination: Ever moment you fail to act is another moment wasted. If not now, when?

BE committed, DO what is necessary, HAVE what you want

Knowledge, insights, and understanding must be translated into action

The difference between winners and losers is winners do the things losers won’t do

Faith without works is dead. If you don’t have it’s because you don’t act

Begin, and new possibilities will come. Be willing to risk, and persist

Assignment 8: Make a list of the 5-10 most important people. Write down for each what would be left unsaid if one of you died now

Assignment 9: List the top priorities in each of the following categories:

Personal	Relational	Professional	Familial	Spiritual

LL 6: There is no reality, only perception

You need to identify the filters through which you see the world

Those with really bizarre filters are insane

No matter what happens to you, how you interpret it is entirely your choice. You give it meaning and value. Choose the one leading to your goals

Recognize the perception other people are placing—and that there is invariably a difference

Perception is not that something bad is good, fair or unfair, but that you can deal with it

Conclusion you draw from your filter is either you can or cannot deal with it

The cards you are dealt in life are what they are. All that matters is how you play them

If you choose to look through the filter of the past you cannot deal with the present

You may be allowing an event in the past to control and destroy your life now

Identify and analyze the filters, e.g. prejudices, that are controlling your present life

Your strategy may be entirely correct, but if your filter is wrong it will fail

You have to test your operating assumptions before relying on them

The filters through which we view ourselves are the least accurate

May fail to recognize negatives, particularly our own accountability

Undoubtedly fail to give credit for qualities and abilities

Look for yourself in the mirror held up by others, but pick the right mirrors!

Keep an open mind about yourself—our perceptions create our limiting beliefs

Like the elephant at the stake, we cannot go beyond them

If you can control your perceptions, you can control your interpretations and attitudes

That is power

You need to really shake up your belief system. Challenge all your views about yourself

The world, and you, can look completely new

Assignment 10: Search for your limiting beliefs. You have to really dig: they are really imperceptible and insidious. They probably go way back. Your “tapes” are examples

LL 7: Life is managed, it is not cured

Learn to take charge of your life and hang on. Think of yourself as the manager of your life

Is he doing a good job, or do you need to get after him?

Is he doing a good job for the others for whom there is responsibility?

Job Description: Acknowledge the life laws apply to you; commit to resolve rather than endure problems; face the “what-if” questions and answer them, e.g. “What if I get fired?”; refuse to live with unfinished emotional business, causing overreactions to small issues; honor your agreements with self and others

Life has momentum and direction. Take conscious responsibility for those

Define wants in terms of goals and give them project status. Create a To-do list and priorities

Assignment 11: Write down all your conscious life decisions. What do you demand of yourself; What are you willing to accept from yourself? Looking at your actions, are you living in a comfort zone? Make a decision to ramp up, and consider each day how to do that

Consider for each area of your life. Apply the laws of life to each

We need to try to make the right decisions, but sometimes we need to make a decision right

Poor choices test maturity and resolve

LL 8: We teach people how to treat us

Accept responsibility for, rather than complain about, how people treat you

Have a right to be treated with fairness and respect, but must teach people to do it

Be sure, by reviewing the life laws, you’re not at fault—the principle of reciprocity

Relationships are mutually defined, by an intrinsic negotiation in the relationship

In therapy for couples, they want a referee, not understanding. Want to be defined as “right”

Must determine the payoffs you are giving people for how they treat you. Is it healthy?

Even a long-standing pattern can be changed, but you can expect change to be resisted

Must be negotiated from a position of strength, requiring knowledge and resolve

If you cave in the behavior is reinforced

Acting as a victim or basing a plea on guilt will fail. Guilt is often used to resist change

LL 9: The power of forgiveness

Look at what anger and resentment can do to you. You give up your power to someone you hate

Hate, anger, and resentment are the most powerful emotions, and most destructive

Like fire in a forest, they consume you. Destroy all ability to love, feel peace, other positives

The physiological reaction makes the whole body negative. Misery is inevitable

The emotions are so strong they will change who you are. They completely change your perspective

Others may behave wrongly toward you, but it is up to you how you react to that

It isn’t about them, it’s about you. Release yourself, not them

Recognize you are locked in a bond with them, and they are taking your power

Assignment 13: Identify those whom you need to forgive and do so

LL 10 You have to name it to claim it

With your life manager (you) decide exactly what it is you want. Be bold, but realistic

This sounds easy, but few really know. Most know what they don’t want

Be sure to separate the means from the end. E.g. a job may be a means or an end

Indecision creates inaction. Most you’ll ever get is what you ask for

Tough enough to get the world to give you what you know you want

Need to be careful to go for what really is important and lasting

Create what you want in your mind: see it, feel it, experience yourself enjoying it

What is the price you will pay to get it? How many ways are there to get it?

Assignment 14:

Once you have named it, put together a plan to claim it, and don’t give it up

A Guided Tour of Your Life

Create a life strategy to achieve your goals

Diagnose your current life in each of the charted areas. Look at the whole you, to know self

The Seven Step Strategy

1. Express your goal in specific events or behaviors

2. Express your goal in measurable terms

3. Set a timeline

4. Set a goal you can control

5. Plan a strategy that will get you to your goal

6. Define your goal by steps

7. Create accountability, with positive and negative reinforcement

–Stephen R. Covey

Even many who have great outward success feel like–and are–failures. It shows in their relationships with themselves and with others. They are deeply unhappy, even as they seem to enjoy success. During the past 50 years there has been an emphasis on the “personality ethic”: public image, social consciousness, techniques for success, quick fixes. Prior to that the emphasis was on a “character ethic”: integrity, courage, justice, patience, hard work, and the golden rule. The former focuses on the development of skills, the latter on the development of character. The former is manipulative, the latter tries to build others as well as oneself. The character ethic requires internalization of the following habits, developed through desire, knowledge, and continual practice. The goal is to grow from dependence, through independence, toward a synergistic interdependence.

 

Private Victory

1] Be proactive: You are responsible. Choose your responses

2] Begin with the end in mind: This is a “spiritual creation”

3] Put first things first: This is a principle of pragmatic faith

 

Public Victory

4] Think win/win: If everyone involved does not win, it is not worth doing

5] Seek first to understand, then to be understood: Have you ever noticed in arguments people do not even listen to the other side?

6] Synergize: The goal of interdependence. Think what little you could accomplish if you had to do everything yourself!

 

Renewal

7]Sharpen the saw: Education, recreation, spiritual renewal, friends, exercise. All things in balance

–Napoleon Hill

The Key

There is a key to success in any activity

It has been studied in hundreds of people

It must be intentionally sought

Its use will sweep one to success

It comes in two parts

It is not:

Ideas, aspirations, P.M.A., self-suggestion, intelligence, knowledge, persistence, etc.

It is:

1] An innate desire to achieve, plus

2] A decision, driven by irrevocable will, to succeed

Will power

Internalization and application of this key triggers:

Effort, risk, persistence, leadership, courage, self-reliance, power, synergism, etc.

Failure becomes a temporary set-back only

It’s fragile: negative thought and dilution of commitment kill desire

Not just a wish, but a burning compulsion

Anything less is just a daydream

Will not have a real desire without the ability to achieve it

Can create anything can imagine (conceive + believe =

achieve)

Limitations are best friends of creativity

Read the Statement of Plan daily* to reinforce

Must be motivated enough to burn your bridges

Fix exact goal, decide what will pay to obtain, set date

Focus Your Will

Make a written list of things truly desired, with priorities

Engage in no goal which does not benefit all affected parties

Picture goal 30 min. daily–concentrate on goal to reduce fear

Repeat goal and plan to subconscious [S.C.]

S.C. must accept goal as a fact; it will find a way to

accomplish

S.C. acts on dominant thoughts: send positive and

suppress negative

Get To Work

Obtain any specialized knowledge required. Be the expert

*Organize a Plan in writing; assure it is definite and practical

Channel all energies into the plan, never quit–habit of persistence

Organize a group to assist–create synergism by common goal

Provide compensation and leadership: courage, self control,

sense of justice, decisions, planning, do more than share,

personality, sympathy, attention to detail, cooperation,

enthusiasm, maintain perfect harmony

Make decisions quickly; change them slowly

Set definite objectives and do not procrastinate

Develop a 6th Sense for guidance

This is intuition

Developed by knowledge and mastery of the other principles

Use it and follow it