LIVE TOGETHER IN LOVE
– D&C 42
Most things in life, once achieved, seem to lose value; the only exception is relationships, including family and friends. People talk a lot about the “Battle of the Sexes”; it is probably the most universally popular topic and is certainly among the most important. It is not so much a battle as a struggle: a struggle to understand and be understood, a struggle to work out conflicts; a struggle to please each other and be happy together. For one side to “win” the battle would be a loss for everyone—we need all to win! The benefits are enormous—the relationship between partners in marriage should, and can, be the most satisfying thing in life: Physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy, working and playing together with common, synergistic goals—a real team. It is the very center of our eternal perspective and goals, and you can build the kind of relationship in which you want to be together more than anything else in this world.
A Successful Relationship Has To Be Learned, and It Has To Be Earned
Subject to agency, any 2 people with chemistry and devotion to the Gospel can and should succeed in marriage
A successful marriage is a decision and a commitment, with continual work. But it ought to be fun work!
A continual negotiation, growth, and learning process. Both must be realistic, in good faith, and committed—no back door!
Only reasons to quit: Drugs/alcohol, philandering, abuse, pervasive dishonesty, absolute refusal by partner
Over half of marriages fail, and even a large percentage in the Church. A bad relationship is definitely a little slice of hell
Dr Phil says the two main causes of breakup: Married the wrong partner; sabotage by one or both
A third: Like parenting, little training is provided for relationships, other than the—often bad—example of parents
Need to look actively for good models and sources of counsel, experiment, ponder your experiences, and keep trying
The purpose of learning is not knowing but doing. “If not me, who? If not now, when? I am responsible!”
Two questions to ask yourself: Do I recognize the value of a great relationship and really want it? Am I willing to pay the price?
“If the student is ready, the teacher will appear”, [ancient Chinese proverb]. Here are Ten Keys to Success [].
Being and Choosing a Good Person and a Good Partner
Live the Gospel toward your partner: “Do unto others”, “Love [spouse] as self”, “Cleave”, “Be one”, “Live together in love”
Faith, as in all things, is imperative. Develop self and relationships through its three principles: Belief, Action, Power
Faith is a literal power. If one believes, in faith, and acts, in faith, God will provide the power, thru faith
Divorce is inevitable only if one or both will not exercise faith, and the faith of one can sometimes be sufficient
Control your thoughts: McKay: You are what you think. Every negative or sinful thought is a chip in your foundation of faith
You can think your way to divorce, or to a great relationship
“SPISE” evaluation [attached]: Honestly evaluate self [Give credit, as well as criticism]. Also evaluate any potential partner
Look not just for a high “score”, but also similarity, compatibility, and balance with one’s partner. All but “E” are easy to decide:
S: Spiritual: Religion, commitment, knowledge, integrity and trust, “equally yoked”, diversity of gifts
P: Physical: Looks, weight, grooming, health, personal habits
I: Intellectual: Intelligence, continual learning, thinking, judgment, common interests
S: Social: Personal “style”, manners, ability to relate to and get along with others, earning capacity
E: Emotional: Sanity, neuroses, character, happiness, maturity, stability, unselfishness, anger control. Set up tests
“CAST”: Self esteem [not egotism!] is best indicator of “E”: Conscience, Achievement, Service, “Tapes”
Building a Successful Relationship and Marriage
“CARE”: Creating a relationship requires C: Chemistry, A: Amicability [friendship], R: Respect, E: Equity
If you want someone, you need to develop, encourage, and maximize each of these. Caveat: They can change over time
“CLASS”: Sustaining a relationship, once created, requires C: Things in Common, L: Like each other, A: Acceptance, S: Sexual compatibility, S: Service
Five Love Languages [Chapman]: Words, Time, Gifts, Service, Touch
Love desires to discover what one’s partner wants, and give it their way, not yours
If it seems like you’re pouring love into a bottomless pit, may just be wrong kind
Make a choice to do it, whether you feel like it or not. If not natural, then it is more loving!
On the other hand, see if your partner is loving you in ways you don’t realize
5 to 1 Ratio [Gottman]: 5 positive emotional feelings for every negative one
Research proved most important determinant of success in marriage. Both compliments and complaints are important
Conflict Resolution [Gottman]: Successful marriages settle into one of three Conflict Styles: Avoidant, Validating, Volatile
Closer individual’s styles match, more likely to succeed. Example: Pitching fits need security
Couples must communicate, negotiate, compromise, and develop an agreed mutual style
So why have we not discussed the condition or state of “love”? Love isn’t just a feeling; if you do all these things, that is love!
All the elements are there for real love, as opposed to puerile, transitory, Hollywood counterfeits
Road Less Traveled: Love is “the will to extend oneself for the spiritual growth of another”. See also 1Cor.13:4-7
The two key questions: Do you recognize the value of a great relationship and really want it? Are you willing to pay the price?It is the very center of our eternal perspective and goal, and you can build the kind of relationship in which you want to be together more than anything else in this world. The price is following the ten keys.