HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE
–Dale Carnegie
[Note: When I taught negotiation I said that you frequently can either get what makes you feel good or you can get what you want. Ego is the problem. To get what you want, ego must be subordinated, which requires humility and sound self esteem. Carnegie’s famous bookHOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE offers specific techniques and has many examples. To be most effective, these principles must be followed as a matter of character, not as manipulative techniques. Following these principles requires acting differently from others and differently from natural inclinations. Perhaps the greatest leadership is to be able to practice these principles on oneself! While these skills are being developed, spend some time at the end of each day reviewing this outline and events of the day. Particularly analyze objectively your failures. How badly do you want to succeed at human relations?]
FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES FOR DEALING WITH PEOPLE
Always look for ways to give others honest and sincere appreciation
The thing people want most is to feel important
How you get a feeling of importance tells what your character is
People even go insane to feel important
Sincere, accurate appreciation is the most effective way to
make people feel important
Nourish their self-esteem–share their accomplishments and keep silent about your own
Speak ill of no one, and all the good you know of everyone
Flattery will not work–praise must be sincere and realistic
Practice by trying to have a positive effect on every person you meet
Never criticize or condemn others
All it does is cause resentment and kill desire
People will only make excuses when put on the defensive
Be humble: forgive and try to understand others. Remember:
Everyone has a story
If you will learn their story it’s almost impossible not to
like and respect them
Focus on what should be done, not on what is wrong
Arouse in others an eager want
Everything people do is because they want something
Only way to get anyone to do anything is if they want to
Seek pleasure or avoiding pain. Former is much more motivating
Show them how to get what they want, not what you want
Get to the other person’s point of view to find what they want
Try to get people to do something without ever talking
about what you want
Plant an idea and let them take the credit
TO MAKE OTHER PEOPLE LIKE YOU
Smile: It says, “I like you, I am glad to see you”
It can even be “seen” over the phone
Try to brighten others’ lives
Make doing what you do fun
Force yourself to smile–feeling follows action
Find a way to be grateful for your circumstances, whatever they are
Become genuinely interested in others
People are not interested in you, only in themselves
People like those who are interested in them
Be grateful when people give you their time and attention
Be as friendly as a dog, and sympathetic and helpful
Remember a person’s name is the sweetest sound
Make the effort to hear, learn, remember, and use it
Be a good listener; encourage them to talk about themselves and their interests
Be interested in what they are interested in
“Talk to people about themselves; they will listen for hours” -Disraeli
Listen intently, actively, and with concentration–let them do
most of the talking
Do not interrupt, contradict, correct, wander, or focus on
what you want to say next
Be a sounding board when needed: Better than giving advice
Make others feel important, sincerely
People’s deepest need. In all interactions try to fill it. Show
respect for everyone
Everyone is superior in some way. Find it and compliment it
Look for things to overtly admire by being sincerely
interested in other people
Do not try to impress with your own accomplishments
TO WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING
Begin in a quiet, soft-spoken, friendly way even when there is conflict
Smooth controversy by emphasizing points of agreement and
keeping a sense of humor
Talk in terms of their interests, to develop rapport, before
asking for anything
Lead, don’t drive. Aggressiveness does not lead to agreement
Let others do a great deal of the talking
When they recognize you really want to know their ideas
they will appreciate it and open up
Encourage them to come up with arguments pro and con and
weigh them for themselves
Plant an idea and let them develop it and feel it is theirs
Don’t ram your ideas down others’ throats. People don’t
like being “sold”
Ask others for advice
Get people saying “Yes”
Start with the things on which they agree. Get as many “yes”
answers as possible
Discuss their point of view and desires
Never argue
You can’t win an argument. Proving someone wrong won’t
make them like you
Jesus said, “Agree with thine adversary quickly”
Show respect for them and their opinions. Never say “You’re
wrong”
When told wrong, people want to argue, not agree
A look or intonation is as bad as words
Find a way to demonstrate someone is wrong without
actually saying so
e.g. Socratean method: ask questions that lead to the
answer
Try honestly to see things from their point of view
Even when wrong, others don’t think they are. Find
why think and act as do
Let the other person save face. You have no right to
damage another’s self respect
Agree you may be wrong and avoid all dogmatic or
inflammatory statements
Your open-mindedness can open the other’s mind
Minds can be changed only by gentle effort
Understand others’ opinions fully before making a
judgment
To keep disagreement from becoming argument:
- Welcome the disagreement–there’d be no progress if everyone always agreed!
- Sincerely thank them for their interest
- Distrust your own first impression–and say so
- Control your temper
- Emphasize areas of agreement; minimize disagreement
- Admit errors quickly, it shows courage and character
- Provide cooling down time for both to think; postpone the decision
- If they start yelling, let them get it out of their system, without over-reaction
- Keep listening to understand their point of view
- Express sympathy for their concerns, ideas, desires, and problems
Sincerely say: “I don’t blame you for thinking and feeling as you do. If I were you I am sure that I would also”
People crave sympathy; give it to them
TO BE A LEADER
When discipline is necessary, begin with praise and honest appreciation
Do not end a compliment with “but”, always use “and” as a
conjunction
Call attention to mistakes indirectly
Talk about how to improve, not what is wrong
Show humility and fairness by talking about your own
mistakes first
Instead of giving orders ask questions and give suggestions
Stimulate creativity and teamwork
Frame the request so it emphasizes the benefits to them
Praise the slightest improvement and every improvement
Use praise instead of criticism–reinforce positive behavior
Good things are reinforced and bad things will atrophy
To be credible, praise must be realistic, not flattery
Make the fault seem easy to correct
Praise things done right and minimize number and
magnitude of errors
Do not tell anyone they have no aptitude for something–
it destroys incentive and self esteem
Give others a reputation to live up to. Have high
expectations
They must respect you and know that you respect their ability
“Treat a person as he is, and he will remain as he is, but treat him as he can and ought to be and he will become such”
Appeal to nobler motives
People usually have two reasons: One that sounds good and
the real one
Help them think of the one that sounds good
Deemphasize the other
Throw down a challenge
All have fears, overcome them by challenge
Stimulate competition (with self and others), as a desire to excel
Dramatize
Stating something is not enough; use showmanship, get
attention: “A picture is worth a thousand words”