WHY MARRIAGES SUCCEED
John Gottman
Book is based on empirical data from studies of 2000 marriages
Found much conventional wisdom is wrong
Similarities do not safeguard against divorce
Conflict does not necessarily lead to divorce
Anger is not a negative! It is necessary to a healthy marriage
It is how it is handled, not its existence. Value the struggles!
Lasting marriage results from resolution of inevitable conflicts
People who do not fight are likely in an unhappy marriage
Final solution is less important than communicating
Most important: The 5:1 ratio; Common arguing style
Women are the emotional leaders in marriage
Life conditions them to express, men to repress
Women can’t expect same verbal intimacy from husband as friend
Have unrealistic expectations of marriage
It is no one’s “job” to make the other happy
It’s usually the wife who begins the negative process
Attack causes withdrawal, attacks increase, w’drawal increases
Women tend to be too emotional, men too rational
In happy marriages this distinction is reduced
Men must learn not to avoid conflict, but to embrace anger
Recognize attack is not personal; Accept even if don’t agree
Women must confront gently, criticize less, stop mind reading
Both must learn more acceptance and treat respectfully
Successful marriages invariably use “repair mechanisms” in conflicts
Consciously and intentionally given and accepted to soothe
Express attention and affection, even if forced
Not necessarily done in a conciliatory tone, but they are done
May even be rude, but show involved, not withdrawing
Maintain eye contact, show you’re listening
Try to keep a sense of humor
At times don’t say anything, just listen
Do not issue ultimatums or force issues
Talk about how you are talking and arguing
Consciously agree to look for resolutions
The Magic Ratio: 5 to 1
5 positive strokes given by each for every negative hit
Most important determinant to successful marriage
Negatives are necessary to a healthy marriage
Better than 5 to 1 is not good!
There always will be differences, and these must be dealt with
Couples without conflict likely to end in divorce
One thing negatives do is reduce boredom and keep up passion!
Positives: Show interest, affection, caring, appreciation,
concern, empathy, acceptance, joke, share joy
In healthy marriages a “balance thermostat” kicks in for conflict
Positives—repair mechanisms—given, even if forced
They are carried and received by basic love and respect
Shown by gestures, eye contact, face, as well as words
Evidenced by positive comments to third parties about spouse
Marriages seem to settle into 1 of 5 styles—3 healthy, 2 not
Closer the marriage fits 1 of the 3, more likely to succeed
2 keys determine success: 5 to 1 ratio, agree on common style
Validating Style: Listen, understand, accept even if don’t agree
Little hostility, much respect and persuasion, moderate emotion
Each other’s best friend and good companion
Do a lot of active listening, mutual supporting
Much good faith and compromise to resolve conflicts
The classic ideal of a good marriage
Volatile Style: Very open about expressing negative feelings
Open and honest, often to the point of causing pain
Tease a lot, sometimes causing hurt; compete continually
Bicker over every minor thing, each trying to persuade
Interrupt rather than try to understand
See selves as both nurturing and expressive
But these serve to fuel the positives in the relationship
Many more negatives, but also many more positives
A lot of passion in the marriage—love “making up”
See selves as independent equals, interrupt each other often
Each needs a lot of personal space and independence
Avoidant Style: Minimize conflict, make light of differences
Little attempt made to solve issues: “agree to disagree”
Do not talk things out: Sweep conflicts under carpet and ignore
Focus on shared vision of a strong marriage
Bond so strong can overlook disagreement
Have least emotion and passion of 3 types
More the partners’ natural styles are same, more likely to succeed
Serious conflicts occur if styles differ; permeates all arguments
Each has different way to argue, show love, handle emotions
Every conflict has problem of how to argue and relate
E.g. avoidant style is seen as dishonesty by a volatile
Must analyze differences and compromise a common style
Survival of the marriage depends on this
Volatile and avoidant most difficult
Key: Whatever else, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling absolutely must be avoided by both. I.e. address the symptoms
2 types unhealthy marriages:
Hostile/engaged: Argue continually with great heat
Name calling and sarcasm, but look at each other and listen
Hostile/disengaged: Arguments hot, but do not look or listen
Generally detached and emotionally uninvolved with each other
Both types invariably characterized by a specific downward spiral
Criticism, then Contempt and Defensiveness, then Stonewalling
The 5 to 1 ratio is not maintained
The cycle is more and more difficult to break as it continues
Like a broken record, negative thoughts endlessly repetitive
If near a solution to an argument, one will sabotage
Healthy marriages can degenerate into one of these styles
Danger signs: Can’t remember why attracted, criticize to 3d
parties in front of spouse, remember nothing good from past
Criticism is general vs. complaints which are specific
“You are a jerk” vs. “I don’t like you yelling”
Complaining is good, and needs to be addressed
But complaints become criticism if they go unheeded
Frustration will lead into the spiral
Contempt is the intention to psychologically abuse partner
Attack sense of self by verbal and non-verbal abuse
Cannot even remember, do not communicate, any positives
Use by insults, name calling, sarcasm, mockery, body language
Done in front of 3d parties is absolute indicator of divorce
Defensiveness is completely natural reaction to contempt, criticism
Unfortunately, does not matter that you are right
It obstructs communication and nothing is resolved
Evidenced by: denying responsibility, excuses, cross-complaints,
yes-butting, repetitions—getting mutually louder and more vitriolic
Stonewalling is habitually refusing to listen to confrontation
Stonewallers are just trying to be neutral and avoid conflict
But partner becomes totally frustrated and wants to scream
Absolutely destructive. 85% are men, pressed by women
This downward spiral eventually becomes cast in stone
Feel like innocent victim: take no responsibility, take no action
Focus on righteous indignation: have total contempt, want revenge
Total emotional overload is a continual state
Identified by high heart rate, shallow breathing, tenseness
Become conditioned to respond irrationally
Everything a confirmation of negative feelings—self-fulfilling prophecy
Blind to any evidence of good, totally mistrustful
Every conflict reinforces futility; no longer try to resolve things
Continuously rehearse negative thoughts, forget all positives
Final stage: Parallel lives in same house; complete isolation from spouse
If the spiral is not broken and reversed the relationship is over
Once spiral down is cast in stone, only way to break is tell spouse:
“I love you and am lonely without you” [Not bad other times!]
Must consciously, intensely, and mutually work on specific plan:
Calm down. Disengage and take time-outs when necessary
Agree in advance to stick to one complaint per argument
Agree to argue only 15 minutes at a time—but agree to argue
Argue formally: agenda, state positions, divide argument time,
establish alternatives, look for compromises, make a decision
Validate each other verbally and by body language
Volatiles must learn this. Must tone down, edit what they say
Must follow common rules of politeness. Force it if needed
Express good as well as bad; apologize and take responsibility if wrong
Look for, specifically express positives and areas of agreement
Do not be hyperrational or give advice; acknowledge feelings
Agree absolutely not to criticize or express contempt
Force yourself to complain about specific incident only
Do not use arguments as a way to retaliate
Listen and speak non-defensively. Refuse to defend yourself
Must force self not to, it only results in escalation
Look for the imbedded complaint and respond only to that
Overlearn these techniques so can use when stressed—practice!
Share happy times: children, recreation, hobbies, business, church, etc.