RAISING GREAT CHILDREN
Children are precious and a joy, and the greatest proof of God’s promise he will give us all he has
Childhood should be happy, and almost all parents have good intentions and love their children
Love is much more than a feeling, and it is a verb much more than a noun—it requires effort and action
Road Less Traveled: Love is “the will to extend oneself for the spiritual growth of oneself or another”
Raising children is our most important job, and only usual training is—often bad!—example of parents
Paradoxically, children cannot be happy or feel good about themselves when undisciplined
Usual problems: Parents’ laziness, indifference, weak will, misplaced “love”, or lack of training
Children need to become self-controlled, independent, socialized, honest, and productive
Their happiness and success, as well as a happy family life, is determined by this
To succeed, parents, too, must have all these characteristics
Often, parents want to do a good job but, particularly with difficult children, are not sure how
Unless allowed to get out of hand, it is not all that difficult, if important guidelines are followed
Look for good info, examples, and counsel. Think, experiment, and keep learning—work at it!
Children tend to be resilient, so a reasonably good job will usually raise good children
When grown, Children will remember! Their recollections can sometimes be very embarrassing…
Key: Parents need to 1] be unified, 2] have a simple, effective plan, and 3] be generally consistent
Dr Phil: Failure of discipline is virtually always parents’ error, traceable to one of these three
Unlike Americans, children in other countries not rude, whiny, violent, with up to 25% supposedly ADHD
Dr Phil and others agree most difficult children are problems of discipline, not problems of medicine
Edmund Burke: “Men have a right to be free in direct proportion to their willingness to accept responsibility. There must be controls placed on the individual, and those controls must come from within or without”
If self control is not developed in childhood it probably never will be, and serious problems are inevitable
A child, when grown, may even need to go to jail to try to learn discipline—and millions have
It is universally recognized that self esteem, in children as well as adults, is crucial to self discipline
Without good self esteem, mistakes and failures in childhood lead to feeling hopeless and to giving up trying
Apathy, resistance, non-cooperation may be the result of hopelessness, more than defiance
President Kimball said that without self esteem we cannot choose and do right. Quoted a Psychologist:
“The first thing to be done to help a man to moral regeneration is to restore his self-respect”
Failure to teach a child to behave, ironically, destroys the child’s self esteem
Assumes he must be no good, as parents don’t love him enough to protect him from himself
Grows up hating and disrespecting parents and the world for never teaching him to control himself
Works at creating continual misery in the home, and permanent disaster for himself
Even Spock supported this view. He has been misquoted by all the modern liberal permissivists
He said parental permissiveness, even if well-motivated, makes an out-of-control child inevitable
Unfortunately, modern “experts” believe self-esteem can be accomplished simply by emphasizing it
The current idea is children should receive lavish doses of praise regardless of their performance
Studies show this attitude began when women, with their softer feelings, became school administrators
In fact, the most-loved teachers are firm disciplinarians, who love children but have very high standards
These days, competition, grading, and firm discipline are anathema to current “politically correct” ideas
Tries to create equality and take away failure, but can do so only by taking away success
This is poor training for how the world really works: There must be opposition in all things
Developing self esteem requires a home with love, security, trust, and expressions of value and capability
Children need continual opportunities to earn and learn self-esteem—to work, cooperate, and be responsible
They need to be taught how to get along with others, make decisions, solve problems, deal with challenges
Nibley: To help youth to self esteem, “…help them have some success experiences”
It has to come from the inside out. “Self esteem” from the outside in is merely arrogance
Need to learn it’s what you are that matters, not what you have: your money or your car or your clothes
Cannot have self esteem without being worthy of it. The acronym “CAST” sums up the requirements:
C: Conscience. It must be clear, both from real wrongs and those imposed by others
A: Achievement. Reasonable success at things that really matter: goals, relationships, challenges
S: Service. Even children need regular opportunities for this, e.g. regular household chores
T: Tapes. Most negative mental “tapes” start in childhood, and go round and round in the head
Parents need to look with empathy at the child’s world thru the child’s eyes, and deal appropriately
The better you can see the world thru the child’s eyes, the better you can help him relate to the world
Parents are large and intimidating and, whether for good or bad, are the child’s early standard for behavior
Children try to emulate their parents, so they learn to act as they see them act and to mirror their behavior
Misbehavior is often simply a mirror of parents’ behavior
Battles of the will and loud, demanding, arbitrary, aggressive actions usually are learned from parents
The best parents excel in 3 areas:
1] Effectively organize their children’s environment, including basic needs, safety, security, love
2] Communicate well with children, and permit interruptions for up to 30 seconds essentially any time
3] Discipline firmly, while showing great love and affection. The child gets the message:
“I love you so much that I must teach you to obey, for your happiness and safety, and for others”
A “Secure Attachment” to a significant adult in infancy and early childhood is critical, and requires:
A continuing, consistent, emotionally significant bond to a particular person, usually a parent
Imperative for learning relational skills, emotional control, trust, confidence, communication, toughness
Children need to feel there is real communication, and their feelings are fairly considered
When seriously unhappy, children must know that parents understand just how intensely bad they feel
Make sure there is mutual eye contact when talking, especially when the child is pitching fits
Make sure they know you take them seriously, are listening, understand, and are giving fair consideration
Even if, for their own good, you don’t give them what they want, they’ve had a fair chance to negotiate
Young children do not have adequate words to express their feelings, so they often act them out in tantrums
Repeat their words back, explain, and use gestures to help them express and to show you understand
Teach children the words for negative feelings, and encourage them to express themselves verbally
[There is a chart for this which shows negative faces and gives a word for each]
Children need to feel they have substantial control in their world, or they become insecure and rebellious
They need to feel they have their fair share of parents’ time and attention, including one-on-one time
They need to be allowed to make as many decisions regarding themselves they possibly can
Subject to their age, maturity, safety, etc, and subject to experiencing the consequences
E.g., if won’t take turns while playing with others, then lose a turn
By making decisions, and mistakes, they grow in learning how to make good decisions and be responsible
They are also unlikely to become rebellious because they have little to rebel against!
Unless a child’s behavior is defiant, parents should remain calm, rational, negotiable—not a battle of the wills
In their own way, passive or aggressive, they will fight for a sense of control if not provided to them
Excess rules and discipline is as bad as too little. It will lead either to rebellion or a broken will
Children need the right to negotiate, to learn they get more by cooperation than by tantrums
This is part of the process parents need to teach of how to get along successfully in society
Defiant behavior and tantrums, however, cuts off the negotiation cold, with no immediate recourse
Children, especially if strong-willed, invariably will test parents’ authority, just as will an animal
A child’s will must not be broken, but they must be taught self control and socialization
Requires love, lack of anger, firmness, parental unity and consistency, and never giving up
The up side for the strong-willed child: If he learns self-control, he has great potential to achieve
Children respect strength and courage, and despise and have total contempt for weakness
Their attitude toward parents is shown in their behavior, and parents must prove themselves continually
Children must have no doubt that defiant serious misbehavior absolutely will not be tolerated
The child must learn that the parents’ love and will are both so strong they will never give up
The longer misbehavior is allowed to continue, the more difficult and frustrating it will be to change it E.g. a baby elephant learns that it can’t pull up the stake, and when older it is still bound
Many children have a stronger will than parents, and continually work to wear their parents down:
Child misbehaves, parents try to discipline, child refuses to cooperate, and parents finally give up
The attempt to discipline is viewed by the parent as if it were discipline—it is not
Everyone is miserable, including the child, and it is not something the child will “grow out of”
A child will never learn to behave if taught he can avoid it by cajoling, refusing, or procrastinating
Children are inexorable, and instinctively understand “divide-and-conquer” and other battle tactics
Whole goal is to wear parents down till they give up and give in. They are training their parents
When all children exhibit similar misbehavior, they are clearly succeeding in “parental training”
If you aren’t united, give up, give in, lose self-control, or scream, they win. They are always watching…
E.g: If child is given a timeout, he must sit in the corner, and remain there, for the full specified time
If necessary, keep putting him back, and back, till he finally gives in. He won’t respect you otherwise
Key: The critical distinction in discipline, every time, is recognizing the child’s motivation
Decide whether the misbehavior is childish error and immaturity, or is intentional, willful, and defiant
Permissive psychology only recognizes and deals with the former; it pretends the latter doesn’t exist
In the former case, i.e. childish error, tolerance and discussion are usually effective
In the latter case, they never are–action is imperative: As long as you talk, the child will argue and resist
Defiant children only become obedient when they know some serious action is about to occur
If a child responds positively to anger and yelling, it’s only because he knows the next step is action
Children recognize anger as weakness, and totally disrespect it. They learn just how far to push
Talking is a waste of time, and it is counterproductive: the child will try to engage in endless dialog
For defiant behavior, parents usually resort to action only as a final step, after frustration is unbearable
The important key is to act immediately, as a first resort, not last—State the problem, but no discussion!
Parental frustration is avoided, and discipline is more effective and can be less severe
Immediate action is required especially for injury of others or self, e.g. hitting or banging head on wall
Self-injury is very serious; it is used as a distraction from mental pain—the physical pain seems less
Guidelines for parents to shape the child’s will, without damaging the spirit
- Recognize and accept responsibility. Parents, together and unified, must be the ones ultimately in control
Perfect discipline is not required. Parents just need to have a plan, act as a unit, and usually get it right
Establish necessary rules firmly, but with as broad latitude as possible, to allow self-responsibility
Write out in detail, together, the exact problems, rules, and disciplinary plan. Keep it simple
There are so many “No”s for children, try to have as many “Yes”s as possible
But they have to learn that “No” means “No” and, past a point, there will be no further discussion
Define reasonable boundaries before enforcing them, and avoid impossible demands
Unreasonable attempts to control others, by adults or children, are a dysfunctional symptom of insecurity:
“If they meet my unfair demands, they really must love me.” Better proofs of love need to be learned
- Recognize a major reason children run amok is misplaced parental attention, often done in good faith
Children crave attention, even if negative, so the behavior parents pay attention to is reinforced
Parents are much more likely to pay attention to bad behavior than good, e.g. cajoling their tantrums
Improper discipline, paradoxically, therefore often reinforces bad behavior
Paying attention to good behavior, rather than bad, is difficult and must be consciously practiced
Continually set up opportunities where they can succeed, and focus on their individual strengths
Praise them when they act like an adult and immediately spend some time with them
Never mix criticism in with praise, and discipline only when absolutely necessary
Reinforce their good behavior later, e.g. by reminding them some time after the event
Unless a really serious problem or an issue of safety, ignore bad behavior, e.g. howling
Never offer bribes, i.e. incentive to stop misbehaving or not to misbehave
Rewards for good behavior are O.K., and are more effective if given irregularly
- Always distinguish, when a child misbehaves, whether the act is irresponsible or is willful and defiant
Unless a serious problem or an issue of safety, discuss non-willful behavior with them, or even ignore it
Pick your battles with care
When faced with willful behavior act immediately, decisively, and inexorably. Use pain if necessary
Do not wait, argue, or cajole until reaching the point that frustration is overwhelming
Reassure, love, and teach after the discipline, as soon as the child will accept it
- Vary disciplinary actions depending on the child, but keep them consistent, and consistently enforced:
With more than one child, the rules should not necessarily be the same, but fair, and seen as fair, for all
Some need different kinds of discipline; some need more discipline—but no one gets left out!
Allow or provide for natural or logical consequences to operate, as possible and proper to the offense
Parents often hate to see the child suffer, and intervene to prevent reasonable consequences
Timeout of one minute for each year of age
Do not discuss it or argue; state simply but firmly—once—the reason for the timeout
Sit child in a chair facing the wall. If he won’t stay, it shows he has no respect for you
Keep putting him back, and enforce with physical pain if necessary
The parent must be in control. Be sure he is behaving before released
Take away something he wants—and keep taking things till he behaves or has nothing to do
If necessary, take away everything he has and make him earn it back, item by item
Send him to bed early, with nothing to do—and make him stay there
I used to say, “I don’t want to do it, but your behavior proves you are tired and need the rest”.
Any time nothing else works, pain is required: spank once, or pinch hard on top of the shoulder muscle
Pinching hurts, causes no damage, and is unobtrusive, so it’s effective
Examples
Knew a woman from church whose kids were out of control. She obstinately insisted the most important principle was that they knew unquestionably that she loved them, and that discipline was counterproductive to that. Every one grew up to be a disaster, with two of them in prison.
Dr Phil interviewed a couple whose daughter, age 7, pitched fits, hurt her siblings, took anything she wanted. Parents had tried everything, including spanking, and finally caved in to her stronger will. Dr Phil pointed out you cannot solve a problem unless you admit it exists; and unless there is a serious medical condition, parents are always the problem with child behavior. In this case, the parents failed to discipline unitedly. The mother had the role of enforcer, since when dad came home he was tired(!), and just wanted to play with the kids. Daughter knew all she had to do was survive till dad got home, and discipline would go out the window. He disciplined sometimes, but was absolutely inconsistent, and daughter treated mother, who was doing all she could, with contempt because father allowed it. Particularly since her behavior was established, daughter had to receive an absolute signal rules are inviolable, with immediate, serious penalties, enforced every single time by both parents as a unit. Father wanted to enjoy his kids, but this is not about father’s wants, it is about daughter’s needs, and there would be terrible consequences for her if those needs for discipline were not met.
Dr John Rosemond told of a child who had terrorized his family until he was able to broaden his horizons by terrorizing the whole school. He got away with it until fifth grade, when the parents finally, in complete desperation, came to Dr Rosemond because he was going to be permanently expelled. He had them lock the kid out of his room for a month. All his possessions were inside, and he was allowed in only once a day, to get clothes. He wanted to know where to sleep, and was given a blanket and kindly told to find a couch. He was also told that every time there was a complaint about him, from school or other sources, he would have a day added on. The parents were finally united and adamant. The middle of the second week the teacher called—to thank them for finally admitting the kid had ADHD and putting him on medication!
A friend had a nearly uncontrollable stepson, and home life was an uproar. His mother could not, or would not, control him and his father refused to take any responsibility, letting him run wild whenever the boy was at his house. The stepfather said to me, “I can’t take any more. I’m going to send him to live with his father”. I told him, “You are the only source of discipline that kid has ever had. I know it’s tough, and the constant battle has completely worn you out, but did you ever stop to think you’re not just the best chance that kid has, you’re the only chance?” He decided not to give up, and did the best he could, and the boy finally learned to control himself and to direct all that energy toward positive objectives. He is now a well-mannered, successful adult.
One of my sons, after he was an adult, said to me, “Dad, when I was in high school you gave us kids a beater car to drive. Some of my friends’ parents gave them hot new cars, and my classmates used to tease me about having to drive a beater when my Dad had a stable of really great sports cars. It was a little embarrassing at the time, but I handled it O.K. My friends who were given everything grew up to expect it all should still be given them, and they are pretty worthless. You taught me that if I wanted something I would have to earn it, and I owe my success to that lesson. Thank you!”
If, after consistent effort, parental discipline does not work, then professional help is absolutely imperative, e.g LDS Social Services. The bottom line is that parents must succeed, or they will raise out-of-control children who will destroy themselves, and life will be miserable for everyone during the process. Examples, unfortunately, are all around us. On the other hand, when parents do succeed, even relatively well, children are wonderful and there is no greater joy on earth!
Sources: “PARENTING”, Azerad and Chance, in “Psychology Today”,10/01; THE STRONG-WILLED CHILD, Dr James Dobson, 1978, Parenting the Strong-Willed Child, Dr John Rosemond, Mend the Broken Bond, Dr Frank Lawlis © 2007 R C Copeland. VivaYo152@aol.com