— Phil McGraw

1: You either “get it” or you don’t. Be honest with yourself

2: You create your own experience. Take responsibility

3: People do what works. Look for the payoffs, for self, others

4: You can’t change what you won’t admit. Face reality

5: Life rewards action. [Ready, fire, aim!]

6: There is no reality, only perception. [ABC. Not AC]

7: Life is managed, it is not cured. Take charge of it

8: You teach people how to treat you. Look at payoffs

9: If you don’t Forgive, it will destroy you.

10: You have to name it to claim it. What do you want?

Get Real

The world is highly competitive and there ain’t no Santa Claus

There’s no point whining about it

What is needed is a clear, knowledge-based strategy

to overcome problems and fulfill goals

Society is a disaster, and people are not trained to manage their lives

No one is taught how to be married, a parent, to manage their life, etc

There are idiots with fancy degrees who don’t know how to get out of the rain

For a successful life, you must have a life strategy

Most are in denial about their problems

Are you sick enough of your life to be willing to change?

Most do not recognize and test their assumptions

they want them to be true

Inertia: you have to be willing to change, and make an initial energetic effort

Indicators: Frustrated, in a rut, bored, just hanging on, in a comfort zone, failing, lonely, depressed

Problems do not resolve themselves

Don’t just need insight—need them to change right now

Assignment 1: List the top 5 things you have failed to fully admit to yourself about yourself

Look for poor life-management skills

Assignment 2: Write “The Story I’ll Tell Myself If I don’t Make Meaningful Change”. Where will you be? Why? What will you rationalize?

Have to accomplish 3 things: Learn yourself thoroughly and honestly; Learn the real ways of the world; Learn a life strategy to set and obtain goals

Life Law 1: You either get it or you don’t

If don’t get it you will fail, and live in great pain

You have to know how the world works

You have to find what makes you and others tick, to get self and others to do what you want, connect with others, and predict outcomes

You have to have knowledge and skills necessary to create the results you want

If you don’t, you’d better get used to being a have-not

Assignment 3: Look at the patterns of things you do in all areas of your life. Make a list of everything you take on blind faith that does not work

Maya Angelou: “You did what you knew how to do, and when you knew better you did better”

Understanding someone: What do they value? Want? Experiences and beliefs? Fears and prejudices? Common grounds? Feelings about self?

Characteristics: Greatest fear is rejection; need is acceptance. Must protect self esteem. Get what they want; talk about what they want to. Respond only to what they understand. Like people like themselves. Are often petty. Have hidden agendas. Wears a mask

Most imp person to influence: you. Need to enhance positive characteristics, eliminate negative

Need to influence others so feel good around you and know will be lifted up and motivated

LL 2: You create your own experience

Acknowledge and accept accountability for your life. Fault is not relevant—do not assign fault

Yourself or anyone else. Overcome perfectionism and judgments

Give yourself permission to be less than perfect, and to have accumulated baggage

People who fail always have someone else to blame

Finding fault creates a negative physiology, and programs failure

Whatever attitudes, relations, job satisfaction, health, you are accountable

If do not believe this, then accepting that you have no control. You are a passive victim

If don’t believe this, then will misdiagnose every problem and event in your life

Recognize that everything is a choice and you are the result of your choices

Recognize the rule of reciprocity: you get what you give

Examine the style you have in dealing with people, and recognize how that affects their response

List the rough edges, and work at eliminating them

If believe you are right about non-accountability you can and will do nothing to change it

If people won’t listen, it is your responsibility they do not understand you

Whatever situation, must believe the solution is within you

Must stop saying, “Why are they doing this to me”, and say, “Why doing this to myself”. “What thoughts, communications, behaviors can I change to change the result”

Assignment 4: List the 5 most significant times in life when you were a victim. Describe in enough detail to capture the emotion of it. Determine how you contributed substantially to the result

Assignment 5: Make a written list of your top 10 negative tapes. Carry a card, and list each as it comes up. Stop the tapes!

LL 3: People do what works

You have to identify the payoffs that drive your behavior and that of others. They have to be there

Control the payoffs to control your life. Have to control the cause and effect relationship

Payoffs are addictive, especially if they allow you to avoid pain

The real payoff may be very difficult to identify. Some are extremely unhealthy, some are good

Often we do things knowing that it will not be for our best. Recognize that at some level they work

Cannot eliminate negative behavior without knowing why it is done. To “get it” have to know

The payoff may be unconscious, even though we consciously know it is negative

Must look for the unconscious and conscious payoffs, and relative strength

E.g. parents may teach a child to scream and demand by rewarding that behavior by responding

Examine your relationships and determine what negative behavior you are rewarding

Look for the negative payoffs in your own life. Must stop paying yourself for negative behavior

When you sabotage yourself, there is a payoff. Must find and break it to stop the vicious circle

Often when found the power disappears

Assignment 6: Describe in detail the 5 most frustrating and negative behaviors in your life. Analyze the payoff you are getting from each, how your needs are “met”. May be acceptance, rejection, fear, avoiding risk or work, immediate vs. delayed gratification

LL 4: You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge

You have to be truthful and stop making excuses about what is not working in your life

Most do not want truth, they want validation—reinforcement whether right or wrong

People want to be right more than anything else

If you won’t take ownership of your role and responsibility you can do nothing

Bad habits become more and more entrenched

Have to be honest about where you are right now or will destroy your whole strategy for life

Lies come either by misrepresentation or by omission. They can even kill you

We lie to ourselves unconsciously, through denial, so have to make a real effort

Must look for and analyze warning signs in attitudes, behavior, and results

Need to look at every area that is not working in life. Must be absolutely brutal

If don’t do this, we are cheating ourselves. Doing so is our first positive step

If admit a problem, and responsibility for it, living with it becomes very difficult. You’re half there

Acknowledge: your problem, need knowledge, getting a payoff, personal characteristics leading to failure. If this causes pain that is a good thing—it will motivate change. Use it to advantage!

It’s difficult to make meaningful substantial changes. You cannot do it without total honesty

LL 5: Life rewards action

Make careful decisions, then pull the trigger. No one cares about intentions, they just look at results

The only thing that matters is action and results. It is the only way to measure yourself

When you choose the action you choose the consequence. It needs to be purposeful and directed

Assignment 7: Are you in a rut? List and examine your recurring activities

Do you make promises to yourself and others and not keep them? Do you let others do that?

Procrastination: Ever moment you fail to act is another moment wasted. If not now, when?

BE committed, DO what is necessary, HAVE what you want

Knowledge, insights, and understanding must be translated into action

The difference between winners and losers is winners do the things losers won’t do

Faith without works is dead. If you don’t have it’s because you don’t act

Begin, and new possibilities will come. Be willing to risk, and persist

Assignment 8: Make a list of the 5-10 most important people. Write down for each what would be left unsaid if one of you died now

Assignment 9: List the top priorities in each of the following categories:

Personal	Relational	Professional	Familial	Spiritual

LL 6: There is no reality, only perception

You need to identify the filters through which you see the world

Those with really bizarre filters are insane

No matter what happens to you, how you interpret it is entirely your choice. You give it meaning and value. Choose the one leading to your goals

Recognize the perception other people are placing—and that there is invariably a difference

Perception is not that something bad is good, fair or unfair, but that you can deal with it

Conclusion you draw from your filter is either you can or cannot deal with it

The cards you are dealt in life are what they are. All that matters is how you play them

If you choose to look through the filter of the past you cannot deal with the present

You may be allowing an event in the past to control and destroy your life now

Identify and analyze the filters, e.g. prejudices, that are controlling your present life

Your strategy may be entirely correct, but if your filter is wrong it will fail

You have to test your operating assumptions before relying on them

The filters through which we view ourselves are the least accurate

May fail to recognize negatives, particularly our own accountability

Undoubtedly fail to give credit for qualities and abilities

Look for yourself in the mirror held up by others, but pick the right mirrors!

Keep an open mind about yourself—our perceptions create our limiting beliefs

Like the elephant at the stake, we cannot go beyond them

If you can control your perceptions, you can control your interpretations and attitudes

That is power

You need to really shake up your belief system. Challenge all your views about yourself

The world, and you, can look completely new

Assignment 10: Search for your limiting beliefs. You have to really dig: they are really imperceptible and insidious. They probably go way back. Your “tapes” are examples

LL 7: Life is managed, it is not cured

Learn to take charge of your life and hang on. Think of yourself as the manager of your life

Is he doing a good job, or do you need to get after him?

Is he doing a good job for the others for whom there is responsibility?

Job Description: Acknowledge the life laws apply to you; commit to resolve rather than endure problems; face the “what-if” questions and answer them, e.g. “What if I get fired?”; refuse to live with unfinished emotional business, causing overreactions to small issues; honor your agreements with self and others

Life has momentum and direction. Take conscious responsibility for those

Define wants in terms of goals and give them project status. Create a To-do list and priorities

Assignment 11: Write down all your conscious life decisions. What do you demand of yourself; What are you willing to accept from yourself? Looking at your actions, are you living in a comfort zone? Make a decision to ramp up, and consider each day how to do that

Consider for each area of your life. Apply the laws of life to each

We need to try to make the right decisions, but sometimes we need to make a decision right

Poor choices test maturity and resolve

LL 8: We teach people how to treat us

Accept responsibility for, rather than complain about, how people treat you

Have a right to be treated with fairness and respect, but must teach people to do it

Be sure, by reviewing the life laws, you’re not at fault—the principle of reciprocity

Relationships are mutually defined, by an intrinsic negotiation in the relationship

In therapy for couples, they want a referee, not understanding. Want to be defined as “right”

Must determine the payoffs you are giving people for how they treat you. Is it healthy?

Even a long-standing pattern can be changed, but you can expect change to be resisted

Must be negotiated from a position of strength, requiring knowledge and resolve

If you cave in the behavior is reinforced

Acting as a victim or basing a plea on guilt will fail. Guilt is often used to resist change

LL 9: The power of forgiveness

Look at what anger and resentment can do to you. You give up your power to someone you hate

Hate, anger, and resentment are the most powerful emotions, and most destructive

Like fire in a forest, they consume you. Destroy all ability to love, feel peace, other positives

The physiological reaction makes the whole body negative. Misery is inevitable

The emotions are so strong they will change who you are. They completely change your perspective

Others may behave wrongly toward you, but it is up to you how you react to that

It isn’t about them, it’s about you. Release yourself, not them

Recognize you are locked in a bond with them, and they are taking your power

Assignment 13: Identify those whom you need to forgive and do so

LL 10 You have to name it to claim it

With your life manager (you) decide exactly what it is you want. Be bold, but realistic

This sounds easy, but few really know. Most know what they don’t want

Be sure to separate the means from the end. E.g. a job may be a means or an end

Indecision creates inaction. Most you’ll ever get is what you ask for

Tough enough to get the world to give you what you know you want

Need to be careful to go for what really is important and lasting

Create what you want in your mind: see it, feel it, experience yourself enjoying it

What is the price you will pay to get it? How many ways are there to get it?

Assignment 14:

Once you have named it, put together a plan to claim it, and don’t give it up

A Guided Tour of Your Life

Create a life strategy to achieve your goals

Diagnose your current life in each of the charted areas. Look at the whole you, to know self

The Seven Step Strategy

1. Express your goal in specific events or behaviors

2. Express your goal in measurable terms

3. Set a timeline

4. Set a goal you can control

5. Plan a strategy that will get you to your goal

6. Define your goal by steps

7. Create accountability, with positive and negative reinforcement

–Stephen R. Covey

Even many who have great outward success feel like–and are–failures. It shows in their relationships with themselves and with others. They are deeply unhappy, even as they seem to enjoy success. During the past 50 years there has been an emphasis on the “personality ethic”: public image, social consciousness, techniques for success, quick fixes. Prior to that the emphasis was on a “character ethic”: integrity, courage, justice, patience, hard work, and the golden rule. The former focuses on the development of skills, the latter on the development of character. The former is manipulative, the latter tries to build others as well as oneself. The character ethic requires internalization of the following habits, developed through desire, knowledge, and continual practice. The goal is to grow from dependence, through independence, toward a synergistic interdependence.

 

Private Victory

1] Be proactive: You are responsible. Choose your responses

2] Begin with the end in mind: This is a “spiritual creation”

3] Put first things first: This is a principle of pragmatic faith

 

Public Victory

4] Think win/win: If everyone involved does not win, it is not worth doing

5] Seek first to understand, then to be understood: Have you ever noticed in arguments people do not even listen to the other side?

6] Synergize: The goal of interdependence. Think what little you could accomplish if you had to do everything yourself!

 

Renewal

7]Sharpen the saw: Education, recreation, spiritual renewal, friends, exercise. All things in balance

–Napoleon Hill

The Key

There is a key to success in any activity

It has been studied in hundreds of people

It must be intentionally sought

Its use will sweep one to success

It comes in two parts

It is not:

Ideas, aspirations, P.M.A., self-suggestion, intelligence, knowledge, persistence, etc.

It is:

1] An innate desire to achieve, plus

2] A decision, driven by irrevocable will, to succeed

Will power

Internalization and application of this key triggers:

Effort, risk, persistence, leadership, courage, self-reliance, power, synergism, etc.

Failure becomes a temporary set-back only

It’s fragile: negative thought and dilution of commitment kill desire

Not just a wish, but a burning compulsion

Anything less is just a daydream

Will not have a real desire without the ability to achieve it

Can create anything can imagine (conceive + believe =

achieve)

Limitations are best friends of creativity

Read the Statement of Plan daily* to reinforce

Must be motivated enough to burn your bridges

Fix exact goal, decide what will pay to obtain, set date

Focus Your Will

Make a written list of things truly desired, with priorities

Engage in no goal which does not benefit all affected parties

Picture goal 30 min. daily–concentrate on goal to reduce fear

Repeat goal and plan to subconscious [S.C.]

S.C. must accept goal as a fact; it will find a way to

accomplish

S.C. acts on dominant thoughts: send positive and

suppress negative

Get To Work

Obtain any specialized knowledge required. Be the expert

*Organize a Plan in writing; assure it is definite and practical

Channel all energies into the plan, never quit–habit of persistence

Organize a group to assist–create synergism by common goal

Provide compensation and leadership: courage, self control,

sense of justice, decisions, planning, do more than share,

personality, sympathy, attention to detail, cooperation,

enthusiasm, maintain perfect harmony

Make decisions quickly; change them slowly

Set definite objectives and do not procrastinate

Develop a 6th Sense for guidance

This is intuition

Developed by knowledge and mastery of the other principles

Use it and follow it

THE ART OF SELF DISCIPLINE -Paul A Hauck

Preface: This is the last in a series of four books:

1. Depression: Usually results from self-blame, self-pity, other-pity

2. Hostility: Frustration and anger from a] I must have my own way

b] People are bad and don’t give me what I want

3. Fear: Apprehension and worry result from obsessing on concerns

4. Self Discipline: Without self discipline cannot overcome the others

No maturity or success without it. Cannot get what you want

Success requires doing often what you don’t want to do

Three Obstacles To Self Discipline

Used to getting things too easily. Face it: It’s a damn tough world

Demand immediate satisfaction, and unwilling to defer gratification

Expect the world should be different, and refuse to face reality

Unwilling to work hard to plow thru the muck to get to the good stuff

Perfectionism: If it can’t be perfect, won’t do it

More important to do, than to do well. Only disgrace is nottrying

Not: “If it can’t be done well it shouldn’t be done at all”

Start and finish—that is how to define success, and to overcome

Feelings of inferiority: Judge self by progress, not performance

Stop caring about winning, and just play for the fun of the game

Put pressure on the effort, not the outcome

Techniques of Self Discipline

Prioritize, and finish one job before starting next—have tunnel vision

Set specific goals—long term and short. Do them before a reward

Never allow pleasure before work

Make notes and to-do lists. Don’t rely on memory

Just get started, especially if stoked, but even if not

Nibble at big jobs—break them into many small jobs

Just keep plugging! It may seem interminable, but it will get done

The tortoise always beats the hare in the long run

Be stoical—endure discomfort, boredom, pain, etc

People who hide from pain receive the most pain

Associate with people who are disciplined and are models

Burn bridges to remove alternatives

Take risk: Failure is not a catastrophe: can’t learn without

Don’t watch, do. Do anything not excessively dangerous

Any time you slip, force yourself to make up for it and pay a price

Force yourself to cool down before doing something impetuous

Good salespeople will fight this—for a reason

–Maltz

Self Image

Mental picture of self–most unconsciously formed

All actions, beliefs, abilities consistent with despite conscious

effort or will power

It can be changed

Determined by identification with successes or failures

Must have adequate and realistic self-image

Must be a reasonable basis for a good self image

Cybernetics

Subconscious “mind” is not a mind

A goal-striving servo mechanism directed by the mind

Has no direct link to outer world

Works automatically to achieve programmed goals

Must have clear goal- -good or bad–to work on

See goal so clearly it is real to subconscious

Goals are fed in by imagination

Underlying goal is self image

Learn, practice, experience, and act to program subconscious

Develop self image; achieve conscious goals

Imagery, act out, act as if

Success Mechanism

Creative imagination allows conscious choice of goals

2 types of servo mechanisms

Target known–go forward, make/correct errors

Once successful response, it is remembered—forget failures

Target unknown

Must assume answer exists somewhere–and set out to find

“Impossible” is only an opinion–not a fact

Operation

1. Must be a goal, which must be conceived of as presently in

existence

2. Need only conceive of end, not means

3. Do not fear mistakes–servo-mechanism works this way

4. Once have had a success mechanism has learned

remember success, forget failures

5. Do not jam creative mechanism by over-anxiety

“Let it” don’t “make it” work

No guarantees–it operates on faith

Imagination

We act due to imagination, not will

Always act by what imagine to be true about self, environment

Imagination always beats will

CNS cannot distinguish reality from imagination

Reacts automatically and appropriately to programming received

Mental pictures allow real practice

Imagine situations, then solve them in mind

Must have clear mental picture of correct thing

“See” result and “know” it will work

To change (self-image, behavior, skill) must see self in new role

Relax and let creative mechanism perform

e.g. mentally ill instructed to answer, act as normal person

Have to imagine this to do–and begin to feel adjusted

Consciously hold desired self-image 30 minutes daily

Relax. and make it as vivid as possible–much detail

Effort has adverse affect

Builds new “memories” consistent with goals

False Beliefs

If convinced something true, has same power as hypnosis

People live down to self-image–95% do this

e.g. Physical strength–can work against yourself

Knowledge of inferior ability does not limit, feeling does

Striving to be superior exacerbates–use own standard

Dehypnotize through relaxation and imagination

Hypnosis proves power to change instantly

Rational Thinking

Fallacy that rational, conscious thinking has no power over

unconscious

No need to dredge up unconscious from past

Do not give power to the past

Present thinking must be controlled

Negative experiences useful to provide negative feedback

As soon as correction made, forget error–do not dwell on

Quit thinking about them–do think about positives

Ideas changed not by will, but by other ideas

Therapy: look for inconsistent ideas; recognize, replace

Show negative concepts inconsistent–mind rejects

Wrestle with, emotionally, questions and work hard:

1) rational reason to believe? 2) could be mistaken? 3) same conclusion if someone else in circumstances? 4) would I continue to feel, act this way if no good reason?

Rational thought must be accompanied by deep desire

Use enthusiasm, anger

Decide what want, not what don’t want

Pay strict attention to the goal

Rational mind sets goal but does not “do” the job

Do work, let results take care of themselves

Successful Relaxation

Forebrain “1” is conscious mind

Gathers info, evaluates, judges, poses problems, sets goals

Cannot create, “do” work, solve problems

Dependence of forebrain causes excess care

Too result oriented

Once decision reached, dismiss responsibility re outcome

Creative thinking comes automatically after intense effort

Gather info, evaluate, etc., then relax

Keep alert w/o stress to avoid jamming creativity

Rules for creativity

Do worrying before the decision

Concentrate on the present

Plan future, but don’t plan how to react to it

Live in daytight compartments

When start to worry, ask “what going on right now I

need to respond to?”

Do one thing at a time–concentrate on it

Sleep on it–go over in mind before sleeping

Relax while working

Habit of Happiness

State in which thinking pleasant good deal of time

Habit, attitude–must be learned and practiced

Practice in cold-blooded manner–make conscious decision

Do not allow dominance of mind by outside conditions

Natural state is positive, i.e. striving for a goal

Happiness simply symptom of normal functioning

Happiness requires problems–react aggressively and positively

Bravery results from practicing danger–actually or in

imagination

Good is as real as evil

Practice: cheerfulness, friendliness, tolerance, smiling, calm

Act as if success inevitable

Successful Personality–A Model

Deal effectively, appropriately with reality, environment

Sense of direction–once goal reached must have another

Understanding–perceptions, communication, fact v. opinion

Must be a truth seeker

Courage–must act aggressively. Pick alternative. Guidance system

Works only when moving. Constant exposure to fear immunizes

Charity–respect for others aids self-respect

Esteem

Self-confidence–remember successes, forget failures

Self-acceptance–recognize lack of perfection–and start from there

Put Failure to Work

Use failure symptoms for negative feedback–and move away

“Master Teachers” Glance at negatives, focus on positives

Take immediate corrective action

Substitute the opposite success characteristic

Each negative seen as a way to solve a problem

Have “meaning” and “purpose” but not realistic

Must consciously recognize don’t work

Frustration–works for infants, hope life will take pity

Aggression–follows uncontrolled frustration.

Must control and direct it. It gives power

Insecurity–results from comparison with perfection.

Get moving to break

Loneliness–

Uncertainty–learn more from mistakes than success

Resentment–deadly poison, causes spiral down. Martyrdom.

Self-pity is worst possible habit. Caused by own response to

circumstances. Destroys self-determination.

Emptiness–lose capacity to enjoy–nothing is enough. Result of

not using creative abilities. Way of avoiding effort and re-

sponsibility. Must strive for own–not others–view of success.

Emotional Scars

Like physical, form emotional self-protective “scars”; emotional

wall. Also lead to marred self-image

Functional people: 1) see selves as liked, wanted, acceptable, able

2) accept selves as are 3) feel oneness with others 4) have

store of info and knowledge

Immunize v. emotional hurt

Be too big to feel threatened–toughen up (don’t get hard)

People with low self-esteem easily hurt

Be self-reliant and responsible

Give affection, approval, acceptance–let people know you like them

Be a little vulnerable

Relax–Have to “do something” to feel fear, anger, hurt

Keeps scars from forming

Feeling hurt is our response–relax and make no response

To remove old hurts, forgive

The forgiveness, as well as the wrong, must be forgotten

Occurs only when accept that there is nothing to forgive

Emotions work when help deal with present, not past

Must accept, not blame, self also

Personality

“Personality”: freed creative power and self expression

Symptoms of inhibition: shy, self-conscious, hostile, guilt, etc.

Frustration in all areas

Excess negative feed back causes–i.e. self criticism

Feedback should modify action, not stop it or overcorrect

Trying too hard causes “purpose tremor”

Poise: immunity to strangers and strange situations

Practice being less careful, less concerned, less conscientious.

Speak and act without thinking

Don’t “stutter all over”

Tranquilizers

Tranquilizers work by reducing response to stimuli

Over-response is a habit which can be cured

Outside stimuli have no power except what you give them

We are conditioned to respond, like telephone ring

Simply decide to do nothing as a response

React only in a way which gets you to your goal

To assist this, decide to delay response

Do not feel emotion if muscles relaxed

One has emotional thermostat just like physical one

Build a quiet place in your mind–in detail

Use at times during day and to sleep at night

Clear mind with between projects

Do not react to strawmen– “what ifs”–react only to present

Crisis Into Opportunity

Crisis can either increase or decrease capability

Difference is how one learns to react to crisis

Crisis performance: 1) learn skills while not under pressure 2)

react to crisis aggressively, not defensively 3) keep perspective

Practice in advance: no pressure, relaxed

Practice in mind

Think what you will do, what you want to happen

Not about what others will do or what might happen to you

Aggressive reaction brings power–act to generate strength

Keep your positive goal in mind–most crises are opportunities

Only one emotion: excitement. Depends on how we interpret.

Interpretation is determined by the goal

Success reinforces positive use of emotion

Use only as much emotion as required

Excess harms performance: “jitters”

Winning Feeling

When feel successful and self confident, will act successfully

Creative mechanism set for success

Picture goal and its achievement vividly enough to catch feeling

Replay successes in mind

Skill learning is trial and error until number of success register

in mind

Successful pattern is stored in subconscious (engram)

Unsuccessful engrams can be modified by recall with change

of attitude

To repeat, must reactivate feeling and pattern–“relive”

Must remember in great detail–more “played”, stronger gets

After succeeding, lower sights from time to time

Start with “suppose”, then “possible”, then imagery in more and

more detail

Never take counsel of fears–attitudes, not facts

Worry is a habit

If react to negative feelings aggressively, power is developed

Cannot control by willpower–displace wlpositives

With habit negative thought triggers displacement

Conditioned response

Negatives then increase positive response

Since programming/reprogramming up to you, you are responsible

“overbeliefs” in selected “truths” directs the program

–McGinnis

 

If you follow the following principles, you will always be mentally healthy and functional, and you will never need a psychologist.

 

“TOUGH-MINDED OPTIMISM”

Realistic acceptance of reality, combined with hope

As effective as psychotherapy, if no major depression

Pessimism leads to cynicism: no faith so no effort

Comparison with other self-help philosophies:

“Power of positive thinking” implies no limits, which

is unrealistic

“Everything will turn out fine” encourages passivity and

fatalism

“You create your own reality” is crap

“My family was dysfunctional” abrogates responsibility ANTICIPATE PROBLEMS

Accept and verbalize them–pain is part of life

Look for the good in bad situations, but don’t give phony

pep talks

Use bad for a good lesson–look for and accept the lesson

Don’t be Pollyanna–much is impossible

Be a problem solver–try to make at least some difference

Look for options, even though none is excellent

Get started–it’s half the battle

ACCEPT PARTIAL SOLUTIONS

Don’t be a perfectionist–be flexible

Accept what cannot be changed; give up if necessary

Try a lot; have many failures, but many successes

You won’t find life worth living; make it worth living

Half of something is better than all of nothing

BELIEVE YOU CONTROL YOUR FUTURE

Do something initially to generate small successes

Face reality as it is; change yourself if necessary

Exercise will; choose your attitude

Believe you have almost unlimited capacity

Believe your best is yet to be

INCREASE YOUR ENERGY

Entropy: all systems run down–must reenergize

Associate with energetic people, including children

Expand interests and knowledge–try new things

Develop spiritually–use the Sabbath

INTERRUPT NEGATIVE THOUGHTS

Monitor thoughts–negative ones are a habit

Displace them with good thoughts

Snap a rubber band on your wrist

Try to view things in a more favorable light

Choose not to be defensive

You can’t choose how you feel–but you can choose

how you react

PRACTICE ADMIRATION AND GRATITUDE

Say “thank you”; admire things which are good

Be grateful; enjoy what you have

REHEARSE SUCCESS

Think in. pictures; it’s more effective than practice

Imagination is more important than knowledge

Avoid worry and develop faith

Complaining is a habit; don’t rehearse failure

Always talk about the good news–concentrate on successes

PRACTICE LOVE

Serve others and have a basic belief in human nature

Avoid hostility by tolerance and forgiveness

 

Do these things!

Even if you don’t understand it, do these things!

Even if you don’t feel like it, do these things!

   –Helmstetter

Manage your choices

The end result of your life is the sum of all your choices

If you manage your choices, you will manage your life

Learning what and how to choose is most important

Choose: Faith, strength, honesty, belief in self, optimism, love,

goals and directions, to accept others, to make own decisions, to accept responsibility for yourself, to work for what you believe, to learn from mistakes, to choose consciously for yourself, etc.

We have free agency. Using it in a self-directed way is a choice

Manage self only by conscious control of every choice

Anyone who is able–and willing–to think can do it

Must have courage to change, to take control

“If do what always done, will get what always gotten”

Do you think things thru, work, and see them thru to a complete conclusion?

Who we are is the result of all our choices

It takes conscious decision and effort to overcome bad ones

By continual wrong choices we can even give up agency

“Highest levels of heaven are those who choose to be there”

Develop the right mental programs

We talk to ourselves all the time, what we say determines what we are. Make a choice of being positive

Negative self-talk is deadly–subconscious accepts as true

Always talk in first person, present tense to build good mental programs

Talk not about what is, but what you choose

Create positive programs in your brain

e.g. items in first paragraph: I am strong. I am optimistic

What we continually think about creates patterns in our brain

Consciously consider: What do I talk to myself about?

The strongest patterns you’ve created set your choices

Patterns create mental programs, which determine how we act

We are programmed by experience and others to make manywrong choices

We can overcome old, and give ourselves new, programs

Requires taking control of our thoughts for proper patterns

Our subconscious will create any role we consciously give

Develop proper patterns by conscious thought and practice

Always ask: 1] Is this a choice? 2] Decide: This choice is mine! 3] Obtain necessary info 4] Examine the

alternatives, then choose the best, even if it’s not good

4] Say: My choice is ___. I made this choice because___ .

Build a habit. It becomes natural and stops procrastination

If we exercise the right to choose, we exercise the right to change. Choices begun today can reprogram our future

Our pattern of choices add up to 1 of 3 programs:

1] Build us up, 2] tear us down, 3] stay even

Examine own patterns and determine which of 3 you are

Look at each area of life

To become Pattern 1: 1] Ask: Where am I now? 2] Is it working? 3] Look at others for models, good and bad 4] Recognize own negative choices and patterns 5] Make a list of choices that would improve your patterns 6] Set goals for change 7] Begin changing now 8] Assess progress 9] Recognize and reward your successes

Choose!

For several reasons, we often fail to make choices we should:

Unclear goals, unclear self-image = unclear choices and failure.

Remember: All your little choices add up to you

Sometimes fail to recognize them as choices

Brain on autopilot: don’t even realize choice is being made

Sometimes don’t know what we should do, or how

Requires a conscious decision for self-education

Sometimes just not willing or afraid to make right choice

“Do what is right, let the consequence follow”

Society teaches us not to think–keep doing it the old way

Want us to be a school of fish: same speed and direction

3/4ths of our initial total programming is like this

If want to make better choices, must learn to think

Exercise agency, make conscious choices

Ask: What subconscious programs are making my choices?

Practicing on all the little choices sets up the big ones

Remember, when you have a problem, if you face it and make a decision you will feel better

Every primary choice requires supporting choices

All must be reviewed, determined, and carried out

If fail to do so, primary choice will fail

Write down primary and supporting choices for big decisions

They form a team

Primary choice sets the goal, supporting ones get the job done

One of our choices is our attitude

Ask: How do I feel? How would I like to feel? How do I choose to feel?

How we feel about anything is a choice of attitude

Prove this by observing others: Attitudes vary even when circumstances don’t.

It is always the sum of their choices

Quichrbichn! We make our attitude worse by complaining

May seem a harmless habit–(and there’s lots to fuss about)

But creates damaging mental programs imprinted on mind

It reduces energy and affects attitude. It attracts negativity

It accomplishes nothing, and makes you miss any good

A bad event can ruin whole day–if choose to let it

Have limited time and energy. Use to complain or achieve

Choose to complain only if it will do some good

Choosing not to complain is being an adult

Emotional choices are usually wrong

Reason is overcome by feeling, e.g. anger, fear, passion

1] Recognize the danger 2] practice objectivity 3] put off the decision 4] control emotions (Great servants, but lousy masters)

Actions (except involuntary ones) are always a choice

Ask: What am I doing? What would I like to do? What do I choose to do?

Want to know what choices you’ve made? How effective?

Look at where you are in life

Many believe happiness, love, success, are fate, circumstances, or luck [The kind of people who buy lottery tickets]

Like everything else, these are choices: 3 of most important

If don’t believe so, then failing to accept responsibility

Happiness is an attitude. Attitudes are always up to you:

Happiness is therefore always a choice

Lincoln: “Most people as happy as make up mind to be”

Each morning, choose to be happy today–and keep doing it

Seems to be easy for some; impossible for others

May not be able to change circumstances, but can change attitude

Then, maybe, you can change your circumstances

Can certainly do best with given set of circumstances

Success, and happiness, defined and determined by that

Feeling of being in love always destroyed by realities of living

The fireworks and the bells always die

Must make the choice to make it work–self-responsibility

Choose to respect and love, and to be respected and loved

Make the necessary supporting choices

How will you love? What will you give to get it?

Are you willing to pay the price?

No one can achieve success automatically or easily

Society programs us to be mediocre; tells us what can’t do

Must choose to remake the program. It is a choice

If don’t make conscious choice, then choose to fail

Start believing–and telling self–what can do. Kill negatives

Believe and choose: I can!

Decide: Primary choice, supporting choices, price will pay

A Plan for Choosing

Look at the choices you make–imagine what new ones could do

in your life!

Ask yourself: “Who am I? What do I want?” What will it take?

What price am I willing to pay?

Are the things I want what are really important and fulfilling?

Write down primary and supporting choices in each of the following: My family. My home. My personal relationships. My education (formal and informal). My career. My income and money management. My other goals and self-expectations. My health, fitness, and appearance. My spare time. My happiness. My spirituality. My service to others. My attitude. My friendliness. My self esteem. My personal style. My problem solving. My faith. My thoughts. Other important areas.

Remember to work and balance all the following: spiritual, mental, emotional, social, physical

Take control! Consciously define your choices

Write new choices on 3 x 5 cards, carry, and read

No one can do it but you. So do it!

As Kimball said:Do it! Do it right! Do it right now!

–William Glasser

[After World War II many GIs were in mental institutions and could not be cured thru therapy. Glasser was put in charge of the program, and sought for a new system of therapy which could be effective. Reality Therapy was the answer. The principles can also be used in the informal “counseling” we all do.]

CONCEPT

Mental illnesses involve one of two characteristics

Neurotics: Afraid of reality [All of us, to some extent]

Psychotics: Deny reality [Need serious professional help]

People are social animals, with 2 basic needs

1] Love and be loved. 2] Be worthwhile to self and others

To be healthy, must have at least one responsible person for whom one cares and with whom one has an association

One must have the ability to care and to accept care

To fill these needs requires a satisfactory level of behavior

In that sense, no such thing as “unconditional love”

Success, relationships, and happiness occur thru accepting responsibility and acting responsible

It must occur continually, and the result is self respect

We must learn and develop ability to function effectively

It does not come naturally thru instinct

Failure causes pain and irresponsible behavior

REALITY THERAPY

Definition: The attempt to teach in an artificial environment what should have been learned growing up

May be formal or informal; professional or from friends

Process requires: Intense personal committment and caring by the therapist; Mutual acceptance and respect; Examination of values, goals, daily behavior; Confrontation of reality;

Rejection of non-responsible behavior; Learning of new ways to behave and to fill needs responsibly

Therapy is conversation involving interests, goals, values, etc.

With analysis of effectiveness and ways to improve

Relate to present life: The past and subconscious are ignored

Emphasize “what” not “why”, e.g. “What are you doing?”

Not “Why are you doing it?”

Investigate, together, new opportunities, goals, behaviors

Analyst must tell own struggles, failures, ways to cope

Change occurs thru learning to fill needs more responsibly

Aberrant behavior is evasion/inability to accept responsibility

Patient must decide current behavior is not responsible

Analyst must accept person but never aberrant behavior

No matter how much it upsets the patient

No acceptance of excuse that it’s caused by the past

Ignore it, if possible, to focus on change to good behavior

Keep forcing issue: “How does this behavior help?”

Liberals sympathy for others is disguised self-pity

New responsible behavior must be learned

Often people don’t know how to act, or what is effective

Reality and responsibility continuously emphasized and reinforced

Models provided (Analyst must be responsible model)

Put together goals and plans

Dream; look for opportunities and potential

Work for an initial change in behavior, and work from that

Look for, and reinforce, good qualities and behaviors

DIFFERENCES: Reality Therapy v. Pschotherapy

Psychotherapy

Classifications of mental illness, treated by diagnosis

Probe into past for root of illness

Transference to analyst, i.e. he “becomes” the problem person from the past

Must gain insight into unconscious mind

Avoids issue of morality

Analyst remains detached, impersonal: “No opinion”

Therapy usually becomes a permanent, expensive process

Reality Therapy

Patient is not considered “mentally ill”

Simply not acting responsibly

Work only in the present, work to fill present needs

Analyst relates as self, not as transference figure

Ignore unconscious motivation

It merely reinforces aberrant behavior

Insights do not motivate change, merely give an excuse

Emphasize right and wrong

Become involved, as a friend with a conscience

Therapy is completed quickly, at minimal cost

-Malcomb Gladwell

Two types decisions: Logical and Intuitive [He doesn’t like that word]. 3 questions book claims to answer:

1. Decisions made quickly can be as good-better than-those reasoned [That point is proved]

2. Need to know when they can be trusted, since they can fail [Shows some factors that are problematic]

Does not provide any assurance that you can know when to trust snap decisions

3. Snap impressions can be educated and controlled [Shows some ways to do this]

1. Decisions made quickly [2 sec. “thin-slicing”] can be as good as-better than-those reasoned

These are based on unconscious patterns of appearance, behavior, etc.

Need to be accurate, know when accurate, know how to interpret

Unconscious picks out the things that really matter. Recognized by a “feeling”: You know

Most people suspicious of [because can’t explain], but some situations demand, as can be life or death

Snap decisions are unconscious [a “locked door”], therefore can’t be analyzed. Trying wrecks them

2. Need to know when they can be trusted, since they can fail. Certain factors portend failure

“Priming” creates a predisposition to a poor snap decision

Bias, prejudice, expectations, relation to ideas already in the mind

Tho aware of conscious attitudes toward these things, totally unaware of unconscious

Can be apparently “innocuous” causes, e.g. exposure to dumb info can reduce test scores; or v.v.

Need to get quickly below surface and not allow it to blind, e.g. “W. Harding error”

He looked so much like a President…”If it looks like a duck…” but it may not be

People are manipulated by someone who looks a part he is trying to play

Never judge anything on appearance or first impression [they are from behind the “locked door”]

E.g., If must judge something you have a bias re, look at opposites about it before judging [p97]

“Verbal overshadowing”: L brain is verbal, R works in pictures-there is a conflict between them

Explaining a logical decision can strengthen it; trying to explain an intuitive one damages it

3. Snap impressions can be educated and controlled

E.g. Gottman system has 100s of codes to analyze marital success by conversation between partners

1 hr conversation can be analyzed with 95% accuracy for marriage success long term

But even when the minimal, but most imp, features are learned, 3 min is usually sufficient

4 things: Look for Defensiveness, Criticism [usually W.], Stonewall [H], Contempt [the Killer]

Key: Study, observation, experience train the unconscious to make the snap decision correctly

Important to decide how much info to get to make a decision; a fine balance

Too much can lead to analysis paralysis or to false overconfidence

Different types of decisions require either analytical or intuitive approach

Right vs. wrong way to ask people what they want: [40 p. illustration that may have meant something…]

Judgments about other people are the most common and most important we make, and the first is instant

Info that shows on your face is what is in your mind

Can even change own feelings just by changing what is on your face]

“Mind reading” failure [reading someone’s face] is common [50 p interminable illus.]

It is at the root of much interpersonal conflict. Can be catastrophic

People who aren’t effective [autistics are worst] are out of sync in social circumstances

People need to recognize and practice [and there is a tape that teaches it]

Any time heart rate exceeds 145, cognitions are shut down; over 175 panic mode kicks in

Causes over-reaction, total reliance on prejudices and stereotypes and, finally out-of-control

It’s what happens, e.g., when cops chase someone and then go berserk when they catch him

Only solution is to force self to slow down-don’t go racing in

RAISING GREAT CHILDREN

   Children are precious and a joy, and the greatest proof of God’s promise he will give us all he has

Childhood should be happy, and almost all parents have good intentions and love their children

Love is much more than a feeling, and it is a verb much more than a noun—it requires effort and action

Road Less Traveled: Love is “the will to extend oneself for the spiritual growth of oneself or another”

Raising children is our most important job, and only usual training is—often bad!—example of parents

Paradoxically, children cannot be happy or feel good about themselves when undisciplined

Usual problems: Parents’ laziness, indifference, weak will, misplaced “love”, or lack of training

Children need to become self-controlled, independent, socialized, honest, and productive

Their happiness and success, as well as a happy family life, is determined by this

To succeed, parents, too, must have all these characteristics

Often, parents want to do a good job but, particularly with difficult children, are not sure how

Unless allowed to get out of hand, it is not all that difficult, if important guidelines are followed

Look for good info, examples, and counsel. Think, experiment, and keep learning—work at it!

Children tend to be resilient, so a reasonably good job will usually raise good children

When grown, Children will remember! Their recollections can sometimes be very embarrassing…

Key: Parents need to 1] be unified, 2] have a simple, effective plan, and 3] be generally consistent

Dr Phil: Failure of discipline is virtually always parents’ error, traceable to one of these three

Unlike Americans, children in other countries not rude, whiny, violent, with up to 25% supposedly ADHD

Dr Phil and others agree most difficult children are problems of discipline, not problems of medicine

Edmund Burke: “Men have a right to be free in direct proportion to their willingness to accept responsibility. There must be controls placed on the individual, and those controls must come from within or without”

If self control is not developed in childhood it probably never will be, and serious problems are inevitable

A child, when grown, may even need to go to jail to try to learn discipline—and millions have

   It is universally recognized that self esteem, in children as well as adults, is crucial to self discipline

Without good self esteem, mistakes and failures in childhood lead to feeling hopeless and to giving up trying

Apathy, resistance, non-cooperation may be the result of hopelessness, more than defiance

President Kimball said that without self esteem we cannot choose and do right. Quoted a Psychologist:

“The first thing to be done to help a man to moral regeneration is to restore his self-respect”

   Failure to teach a child to behave, ironically, destroys the child’s self esteem

Assumes he must be no good, as parents don’t love him enough to protect him from himself

Grows up hating and disrespecting parents and the world for never teaching him to control himself

Works at creating continual misery in the home, and permanent disaster for himself

Even Spock supported this view. He has been misquoted by all the modern liberal permissivists

He said parental permissiveness, even if well-motivated, makes an out-of-control child inevitable

Unfortunately, modern “experts” believe self-esteem can be accomplished simply by emphasizing it

The current idea is children should receive lavish doses of praise regardless of their performance

Studies show this attitude began when women, with their softer feelings, became school administrators

In fact, the most-loved teachers are firm disciplinarians, who love children but have very high standards

These days, competition, grading, and firm discipline are anathema to current “politically correct” ideas

Tries to create equality and take away failure, but can do so only by taking away success

This is poor training for how the world really works: There must be opposition in all things

Developing self esteem requires a home with love, security, trust, and expressions of value and capability

Children need continual opportunities to earn and learn self-esteem—to work, cooperate, and be responsible

They need to be taught how to get along with others, make decisions, solve problems, deal with challenges

Nibley: To help youth to self esteem, “…help them have some success experiences”

It has to come from the inside out. “Self esteem” from the outside in is merely arrogance

Need to learn it’s what you are that matters, not what you have: your money or your car or your clothes

Cannot have self esteem without being worthy of it. The acronym “CAST” sums up the requirements:

C: Conscience. It must be clear, both from real wrongs and those imposed by others

A: Achievement. Reasonable success at things that really matter: goals, relationships, challenges

S: Service. Even children need regular opportunities for this, e.g. regular household chores

T: Tapes. Most negative mental “tapes” start in childhood, and go round and round in the head

   Parents need to look with empathy at the child’s world thru the child’s eyes, and deal appropriately

The better you can see the world thru the child’s eyes, the better you can help him relate to the world

Parents are large and intimidating and, whether for good or bad, are the child’s early standard for behavior

Children try to emulate their parents, so they learn to act as they see them act and to mirror their behavior

Misbehavior is often simply a mirror of parents’ behavior

Battles of the will and loud, demanding, arbitrary, aggressive actions usually are learned from parents

The best parents excel in 3 areas:

1] Effectively organize their children’s environment, including basic needs, safety, security, love

2] Communicate well with children, and permit interruptions for up to 30 seconds essentially any time

3] Discipline firmly, while showing great love and affection. The child gets the message:

“I love you so much that I must teach you to obey, for your happiness and safety, and for others”

A “Secure Attachment” to a significant adult in infancy and early childhood is critical, and requires:

A continuing, consistent, emotionally significant bond to a particular person, usually a parent

Imperative for learning relational skills, emotional control, trust, confidence, communication, toughness

Children need to feel there is real communication, and their feelings are fairly considered

When seriously unhappy, children must know that parents understand just how intensely bad they feel

Make sure there is mutual eye contact when talking, especially when the child is pitching fits

Make sure they know you take them seriously, are listening, understand, and are giving fair consideration

Even if, for their own good, you don’t give them what they want, they’ve had a fair chance to negotiate

Young children do not have adequate words to express their feelings, so they often act them out in tantrums

Repeat their words back, explain, and use gestures to help them express and to show you understand

Teach children the words for negative feelings, and encourage them to express themselves verbally

[There is a chart for this which shows negative faces and gives a word for each]

Children need to feel they have substantial control in their world, or they become insecure and rebellious

They need to feel they have their fair share of parents’ time and attention, including one-on-one time

They need to be allowed to make as many decisions regarding themselves they possibly can

Subject to their age, maturity, safety, etc, and subject to experiencing the consequences

E.g., if won’t take turns while playing with others, then lose a turn

By making decisions, and mistakes, they grow in learning how to make good decisions and be responsible

They are also unlikely to become rebellious because they have little to rebel against!

Unless a child’s behavior is defiant, parents should remain calm, rational, negotiable—not a battle of the wills

In their own way, passive or aggressive, they will fight for a sense of control if not provided to them

Excess rules and discipline is as bad as too little. It will lead either to rebellion or a broken will

Children need the right to negotiate, to learn they get more by cooperation than by tantrums

This is part of the process parents need to teach of how to get along successfully in society

Defiant behavior and tantrums, however, cuts off the negotiation cold, with no immediate recourse

   Children, especially if strong-willed, invariably will test parents’ authority, just as will an animal

A child’s will must not be broken, but they must be taught self control and socialization

Requires love, lack of anger, firmness, parental unity and consistency, and never giving up

The up side for the strong-willed child: If he learns self-control, he has great potential to achieve

Children respect strength and courage, and despise and have total contempt for weakness

Their attitude toward parents is shown in their behavior, and parents must prove themselves continually

Children must have no doubt that defiant serious misbehavior absolutely will not be tolerated

The child must learn that the parents’ love and will are both so strong they will never give up

The longer misbehavior is allowed to continue, the more difficult and frustrating it will be to change it               E.g. a baby elephant learns that it can’t pull up the stake, and when older it is still bound

Many children have a stronger will than parents, and continually work to wear their parents down:

Child misbehaves, parents try to discipline, child refuses to cooperate, and parents finally give up

The attempt to discipline is viewed by the parent as if it were discipline—it is not

Everyone is miserable, including the child, and it is not something the child will “grow out of”

A child will never learn to behave if taught he can avoid it by cajoling, refusing, or procrastinating

Children are inexorable, and instinctively understand “divide-and-conquer” and other battle tactics

Whole goal is to wear parents down till they give up and give in. They are training their parents

When all children exhibit similar misbehavior, they are clearly succeeding in “parental training”

If you aren’t united, give up, give in, lose self-control, or scream, they win. They are always watching…

E.g: If child is given a timeout, he must sit in the corner, and remain there, for the full specified time

If necessary, keep putting him back, and back, till he finally gives in. He won’t respect you otherwise

   Key: The critical distinction in discipline, every time, is recognizing the child’s motivation

Decide whether the misbehavior is childish error and immaturity, or is intentional, willful, and defiant

Permissive psychology only recognizes and deals with the former; it pretends the latter doesn’t exist

In the former case, i.e. childish error, tolerance and discussion are usually effective

In the latter case, they never are–action is imperative: As long as you talk, the child will argue and resist

Defiant children only become obedient when they know some serious action is about to occur

If a child responds positively to anger and yelling, it’s only because he knows the next step is action

Children recognize anger as weakness, and totally disrespect it. They learn just how far to push

Talking is a waste of time, and it is counterproductive: the child will try to engage in endless dialog

For defiant behavior, parents usually resort to action only as a final step, after frustration is unbearable

The important key is to act immediately, as a first resort, not last—State the problem, but no discussion!

Parental frustration is avoided, and discipline is more effective and can be less severe

Immediate action is required especially for injury of others or self, e.g. hitting or banging head on wall

Self-injury is very serious; it is used as a distraction from mental pain—the physical pain seems less

   Guidelines for parents to shape the child’s will, without damaging the spirit

• Recognize and accept responsibility. Parents, together and unified, must be the ones ultimately in control

Perfect discipline is not required. Parents just need to have a plan, act as a unit, and usually get it right

Establish necessary rules firmly, but with as broad latitude as possible, to allow self-responsibility

Write out in detail, together, the exact problems, rules, and disciplinary plan. Keep it simple

There are so many “No”s for children, try to have as many “Yes”s as possible

But they have to learn that “No” means “No” and, past a point, there will be no further discussion

Define reasonable boundaries before enforcing them, and avoid impossible demands

Unreasonable attempts to control others, by adults or children, are a dysfunctional symptom of insecurity:

“If they meet my unfair demands, they really must love me.” Better proofs of love need to be learned

• Recognize a major reason children run amok is misplaced parental attention, often done in good faith

Children crave attention, even if negative, so the behavior parents pay attention to is reinforced

Parents are much more likely to pay attention to bad behavior than good, e.g. cajoling their tantrums

Improper discipline, paradoxically, therefore often reinforces bad behavior

Paying attention to good behavior, rather than bad, is difficult and must be consciously practiced

Continually set up opportunities where they can succeed, and focus on their individual strengths

Praise them when they act like an adult and immediately spend some time with them

Never mix criticism in with praise, and discipline only when absolutely necessary

Reinforce their good behavior later, e.g. by reminding them some time after the event

Unless a really serious problem or an issue of safety, ignore bad behavior, e.g. howling

Never offer bribes, i.e. incentive to stop misbehaving or not to misbehave

Rewards for good behavior are O.K., and are more effective if given irregularly

• Always distinguish, when a child misbehaves, whether the act is irresponsible or is willful and defiant

Unless a serious problem or an issue of safety, discuss non-willful behavior with them, or even ignore it

Pick your battles with care

When faced with willful behavior act immediately, decisively, and inexorably. Use pain if necessary

Do not wait, argue, or cajole until reaching the point that frustration is overwhelming

Reassure, love, and teach after the discipline, as soon as the child will accept it

• Vary disciplinary actions depending on the child, but keep them consistent, and consistently enforced:

With more than one child, the rules should not necessarily be the same, but fair, and seen as fair, for all

Some need different kinds of discipline; some need more discipline—but no one gets left out!

Allow or provide for natural or logical consequences to operate, as possible and proper to the offense

Parents often hate to see the child suffer, and intervene to prevent reasonable consequences

Timeout of one minute for each year of age

Do not discuss it or argue; state simply but firmly—once—the reason for the timeout

Sit child in a chair facing the wall. If he won’t stay, it shows he has no respect for you

Keep putting him back, and enforce with physical pain if necessary

The parent must be in control. Be sure he is behaving before released

Take away something he wants—and keep taking things till he behaves or has nothing to do

If necessary, take away everything he has and make him earn it back, item by item

Send him to bed early, with nothing to do—and make him stay there

I used to say, “I don’t want to do it, but your behavior proves you are tired and need the rest”.

Any time nothing else works, pain is required: spank once, or pinch hard on top of the shoulder muscle

    Pinching hurts, causes no damage, and is unobtrusive, so it’s effective

Examples

Knew a woman from church whose kids were out of control. She obstinately insisted the most important principle was that they knew unquestionably that she loved them, and that discipline was counterproductive to that. Every one grew up to be a disaster, with two of them in prison.

Dr Phil interviewed a couple whose daughter, age 7, pitched fits, hurt her siblings, took anything she wanted. Parents had tried everything, including spanking, and finally caved in to her stronger will. Dr Phil pointed out you cannot solve a problem unless you admit it exists; and unless there is a serious medical condition, parents are always the problem with child behavior. In this case, the parents failed to discipline unitedly. The mother had the role of enforcer, since when dad came home he was tired(!), and just wanted to play with the kids. Daughter knew all she had to do was survive till dad got home, and discipline would go out the window. He disciplined sometimes, but was absolutely inconsistent, and daughter treated mother, who was doing all she could, with contempt because father allowed it. Particularly since her behavior was established, daughter had to receive an absolute signal rules are inviolable, with immediate, serious penalties, enforced every single time by both parents as a unit. Father wanted to enjoy his kids, but this is not about father’s wants, it is about daughter’s needs, and there would be terrible consequences for her if those needs for discipline were not met.

      Dr John Rosemond told of a child who had terrorized his family until he was able to broaden his horizons by terrorizing the whole school. He got away with it until fifth grade, when the parents finally, in complete desperation, came to Dr Rosemond because he was going to be permanently expelled. He had them lock the kid out of his room for a month. All his possessions were inside, and he was allowed in only once a day, to get clothes. He wanted to know where to sleep, and was given a blanket and kindly told to find a couch. He was also told that every time there was a complaint about him, from school or other sources, he would have a day added on. The parents were finally united and adamant. The middle of the second week the teacher called—to thank them for finally admitting the kid had ADHD and putting him on medication!

A friend had a nearly uncontrollable stepson, and home life was an uproar. His mother could not, or would not, control him and his father refused to take any responsibility, letting him run wild whenever the boy was at his house. The stepfather said to me, “I can’t take any more. I’m going to send him to live with his father”. I told him, “You are the only source of discipline that kid has ever had. I know it’s tough, and the constant battle has completely worn you out, but did you ever stop to think you’re not just the best chance that kid has, you’re the only chance?” He decided not to give up, and did the best he could, and the boy finally learned to control himself and to direct all that energy toward positive objectives. He is now a well-mannered, successful adult.

One of my sons, after he was an adult, said to me, “Dad, when I was in high school you gave us kids a beater car to drive. Some of my friends’ parents gave them hot new cars, and my classmates used to tease me about having to drive a beater when my Dad had a stable of really great sports cars. It was a little embarrassing at the time, but I handled it O.K. My friends who were given everything grew up to expect it all should still be given them, and they are pretty worthless. You taught me that if I wanted something I would have to earn it, and I owe my success to that lesson. Thank you!”

If, after consistent effort, parental discipline does not work, then professional help is absolutely imperative, e.g LDS Social Services. The bottom line is that parents must succeed, or they will raise out-of-control children who will destroy themselves, and life will be miserable for everyone during the process. Examples, unfortunately, are all around us. On the other hand, when parents do succeed, even relatively well, children are wonderful and there is no greater joy on earth!

Sources: “PARENTING”, Azerad and Chance, in “Psychology Today”,10/01; THE STRONG-WILLED CHILD, Dr James Dobson, 1978, Parenting the Strong-Willed Child, Dr John Rosemond, Mend the Broken Bond, Dr Frank Lawlis   © 2007 R C Copeland. VivaYo152@aol.com