-Bruce R. McConkie, Ensign, May 1985

I feel, and the Spirit seems to accord, that the most important doctrine I can declare, and the most powerful testimony I can bear, is of the atoning sacrifice of the Lord Jesus Christ. His atonement is the most transcendent event that ever has or ever will occur from Creation’s dawn through all the ages of a never-ending eternity. It is the supreme act of goodness and grace that only a God could perform. Through it, all of the terms and conditions of the Father’s eternal plan of salvation became operative. Through it are brought to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. Through it, all men are saved from death, hell, the devil, and endless torment. And through it, all who believe and obey the glorious gospel of God, all who are true and faithful and overcome the world, all who suffer for Christ and his word, all who are chastened and scourged in the Cause of him whose we are—all shall become as their Maker and sit with him on his throne and reign with him forever in everlasting glory.

In speaking of these wondrous things I shall use my own words, though you may think they are the words of scripture, words spoken by other Apostles and prophets. True it is they were first proclaimed by others, but they are now mine, for the Holy Spirit of God has borne witness to me that they are true, and it is now as though the Lord had revealed them to me in the first instance. I have thereby heard his voice and know his word.

Two thousand years ago, outside Jerusalem’s walls, there was a pleasant garden spot, Gethsemane by name, where Jesus and his intimate friends were wont to retire for pondering and prayer. There Jesus taught his disciples the doctrines of the kingdom, and all of them communed with Him who is the Father of us all, in whose ministry they were engaged, and on whose errand they served. This sacred spot, like Eden where Adam dwelt, like Sinai from whence Jehovah gave his laws, like Calvary where the Son of God gave his life a ransom for many, this holy ground is where the Sinless Son of the Everlasting Father took upon himself the sins of all men on condition of repentance.

We do not know, we cannot tell, no mortal mind can conceive the full import of what Christ did in Gethsemane. We know he sweat great gouts of blood from every pore as he drained the dregs of that bitter cup his Father had given him. We know he suffered, both body and spirit, more than it is possible for man to suffer, except it be unto death. We know that in some way, incomprehensible to us, his suffering satisfied the demands of justice, ransomed penitent souls from the pains and penalties of sin, and made mercy available to those who believe in his holy name. We know that he lay prostrate upon the ground as the pains and agonies of an infinite burden caused him to tremble and would that he might not drink the bitter cup. We know that an angel came from the courts of glory to strengthen him in his ordeal, and we suppose it was mighty Michael, who foremost fell that mortal man might be. As near as we can judge, these infinite agonies—this suffering beyond compare—continued for some three or four hours.

After this—his body then wrenched and drained of strength—he confronted Judas and the other incarnate devils, some from the very Sanhedrin itself; and he was led away with a rope around his neck, as a common criminal, to be judged by the arch-criminals who as Jews sat in Aaron’s seat and who as Romans wielded Caesar’s power. They took him to Annas, to Caiaphas, to Pilate, to Herod, and back to Pilate. He was accused, cursed, and smitten. Their foul saliva ran down his face as vicious blows further weakened his pain-engulfed body. With reeds of wrath they rained blows upon his back. Blood ran down his face as a crown of thorns pierced his trembling brow. But above it all he was scourged; scourged with forty stripes save one, scourged with a multithonged whip into whose leather strands sharp bones and cutting metals were woven. Many died from scourging alone, but he rose from the sufferings of the scourge that he might die an ignominious death upon the cruel cross of Calvary. Then he carried his own cross until he collapsed from the weight and pain and mounting agony of it all.

Finally, on a hill called Calvary—again, it was outside Jerusalem’s walls—while helpless disciples looked on and felt the agonies of near death in their own bodies, the Roman soldiers laid him upon the cross. With great mallets they drove spikes of iron through his feet and hands and wrists. Truly he was wounded for our transgressions and bruised for our iniquities. Then the cross was raised that all might see and gape and curse and deride. This they did, with evil venom, for three hours from 9:00 A.M. to noon. Then the heavens grew black. Darkness covered the land for the space of three hours, as it did among the Nephites. There was a mighty storm, as though the very God of Nature was in agony. And truly he was, for while he was hanging on the cross for another three hours, from noon to 3:00 P.M., all the infinite agonies and merciless pains of Gethsemane recurred. And, finally, when the atoning agonies had taken their toll—when the victory had been won, when the Son of God had fulfilled the will of his Father in all things—then he said, “It is finished”, and he voluntarily gave up the ghost. As the peace and comfort of a merciful death freed him from the pains and sorrows of mortality, he entered the paradise of God.

When he had made his soul an offering for sin, he was prepared to see his seed, according to the messianic word. These, consisting of all the holy prophets and faithful Saints from ages past; these, comprising all who had taken upon them his name, and who, being spiritually begotten by him, had become his sons and his daughters, even as it is with us; all these were assembled in the spirit world, there to see his face and hear his voice.

After some thirty-eight or forty hours—three days as the Jews measured time—our Blessed Lord came to the Arimathaean’s tomb, where his partially embalmed body had been placed by Nicodemus and Joseph of Arimathaea. Then, in a way incomprehensible to us, he took up that body which had not yet seen corruption and arose in that glorious immortality which made him like his resurrected Father. He then received all power in heaven and on earth, obtained eternal exaltation, appeared unto Mary Magdalene and many others, and ascended into heaven, there to sit down on the right hand of God the Father Almighty and to reign forever in eternal glory. His rising from death on the third day crowned the Atonement. Again, in some way incomprehensible to us, the effects of his resurrection pass upon all men so that all shall rise from the grave. As Adam brought death, so Christ brought life; as Adam is the father of mortality, so Christ is the father of immortality. And without both, mortality and immortality, man cannot work out his salvation and ascend to those heights beyond the skies where Gods and angels dwell forever in eternal glory.

Now, the atonement of Christ is the most basic and fundamental doctrine of the gospel, and it is the least understood of all our revealed truths. Many of us have a superficial knowledge and rely upon the Lord and his goodness to see us through the trials and perils of life. But if we are to have faith like Enoch and Elijah we must believe what they believed, know what they knew, and live as they lived. May I invite you to join with me in gaining a sound and sure knowledge of the Atonement. We must cast aside the philosophies of men and the wisdom of the wise and hearken to that Spirit which is given to us to guide us into all truth. We must search the scriptures, accepting them as the mind and will and voice of the Lord and the very power of God unto salvation. As we read, ponder, and pray, there will come into our minds a view of the three gardens of God—the Garden of Eden, the Garden of Gethsemane, and the Garden of the Empty Tomb where Jesus appeared to Mary Magdalene.

In Eden we will see all things created in a paradisiacal state—without death, without procreation, without probationary experiences. We will come to know that such a creation, now unknown to man, was the only way to provide for the Fall. We will then see Adam and Eve, the first man and the first woman, step down from their state of immortal and paradisiacal glory to become the first mortal flesh on earth. Mortality, including as it does procreation and death, will enter the world. And because of transgression a probationary estate of trial and testing will begin. Then in Gethsemane we will see the Son of God ransom man from the temporal and spiritual death that came to us because of the Fall. And finally, before an empty tomb, we will come to know that Christ our Lord has burst the bands of death and stands forever triumphant over the grave.

Thus, Creation is father to the Fall; and by the Fall came mortality and death; and by Christ came immortality and eternal life. If there had been no fall of Adam, by which cometh death, there could have been no atonement of Christ, by which cometh life. And now, as pertaining to this perfect atonement, wrought by the shedding of the blood of God—I testify that it took place in Gethsemane and at Golgotha, and as pertaining to Jesus Christ, I testify that he is the Son of the Living God and was crucified for the sins of the world. He is our Lord, our God, and our King. This I know of myself independent of any other person. I am one of his witnesses, and in a coming day I shall feel the nail marks in his hands and in his feet and shall wet his feet with my tears. But I shall not know any better then than I know now that he is God’s Almighty Son, that he is our Savior and Redeemer, and that salvation comes in and through his atoning blood and in no other way.

God grant that all of us may walk in the light as God our Father is in the light so that, according to the promises, the blood of Jesus Christ his Son will cleanse us from all sin. In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, amen.

– Stephen Robinson

THE GREAT DILEMMA

God cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance (D&C 1:31).

Everybody sins. Since we all commit sins, and God cannot tolerate sin, none of us are worthy to enter God’s kingdom.

THE GOOD NEWS

Atonement: Taking two things that have become separate or incompatible and bringing them together again, thus making the two “at one.”

God can erase our sins

Believing Christ

We must believe in Christ’s identity and in his ability and power to cleanse and save—to make unworthy sons and daughters worthy.

Unless we accept the real possibility that we can be exalted, we do not yet have faith in Christ.

Faith in Christ gives us access to the principles of repentance, baptism and the Gift of the Holy Ghost.

The Demand for Perfection

The good news isn’t that perfect people can be reconciled to God but that imperfect people can be.

The Shortcut to Perfection

Jesus Christ will share his perfection, his sinlessness, his righteousness with us.

In the short run we are considered perfect by becoming one with a perfect Christ.

In the long run, this makes it possible for us to become perfect in our own right.

Being Saved

To some degree, we all fail to perfectly keep all the commandments of God, so we all fail to reach perfection on our own merits.

Many lose faith when they realize that they cannot reach perfection on their own.

Many fall from righteousness because they believe that by living righteously, they will miss out on something important that the world has to offer.

Both of these are evidences that we do not trust Him.

How Perfection Comes

Becoming one with Christ in the gospel covenant gives us access to His perfection.

Taken together, Christ and I make up a new creature. My old creature ceases to exist. The two of us, Christ and I, are perfect. It isn’t that we merely can become perfect later on, we are perfect. It is not individual perfection (on my part), but his merits make our partnership perfect, as long as I’m sincerely striving to keep the commandments (Moro. 10:32-33; 3 Ne. 27:16, 19-21).

Through the covenant, we are not judged separately and alone, but as one with Christ.

Mathematically, anything subtracted from infinite is still infinite. Regardless of how much our weaknesses add up, if we are in a covenant relationship with Christ, his infinite mercy and perfection compensate for our weaknesses.

THE COVENANT

A covenant is a contract, an agreement with terms and obligations binding upon both parties.

Justification

To be justified means to be declared innocent, to be acquitted of all charges of misconduct, to stand guiltless before the law.

The law of Moses was established on justice (justification by law). The gospel covenant uses the law of mercy (justification by faith).

The Apostle Paul characterized the old covenant of Moses as a system of justification by law or by works.

According to Paul, anyone stupid enough to trust his own ability to keep all the rules makes the atonement of Christ ineffectual in his own life (Gal. 5:4, 3:10-13).

Justification by Faith in Christ

In the New Testament, the two covenants were compared to different yokes or burdens. The obligation to law was a heavy yoke or a yoke of bondage (Gal. 5:1; Acts 15:10) and the obligation of the gospel was deemed light (Matt. 11:28-30).

There is no heavier yoke than perfection, the curse of the law.

Keeping the Commandments

We generally say “keeping the commandments” when what we really mean is “trying to hard to keep the commandments and succeeding most of the time.” Defined in this way, the phrase describes the attempts at obedience that the new covenant requires as our token of “good faith.”

The whole purpose of the law of the gospel is to provide a way for people who have not kept all the commandments all the time to still be exalted until they ultimately attain perfection.

In the New Testament, when Paul talks about justification by works, he’s talking about keeping all the commandments all the time. In which case, he correctly asserts that we cannot “keep the commandments” in this sense, and thus assigns appropriate condemnation to us unless we look to Christ for salvation.

The Terms of the New Covenant

Faith in Christ

Repentance

Baptism

Gift of the Holy Ghost

Receiving the Holy Ghost verifies that our end of the gospel covenant is being kept. Thus we are truly cleansed of all past sins and are worthy to have a God as our companion.

Like tithing, the terms of this covenant are in one sense the same for everyone, yet in another sense different for each according to individual ability. Christ requires from each of us the same percentage, 100%; all that we have. May 100% is different from other people’s, but Christ doesn’t require more than I can give and what I can give is sufficient. I neither need to be jealous of people who have or produce more (don’t try to do more than you can, D&C 10:4) nor should look down upon those who have or produce less.

Attitude

Christ’s judgment of our efforts is not based upon our performance or goodness but our attitude—the condition of our heart (broken heart, contrite spirit).

The Sacrament

Because conversion and repentance are not once-and-for-all and because we do not keep all the commandments all of the time, we need the sacrament.

In the sacrament prayer, “they are willing to take upon them the name of thy Son” is imperative because we will not keep all the commandments all of the time, but we must commit weekly to try to do just that. This is the desire of my heart.

The Acceptability of Committed Hearts

The gifts of the spirit are “given for the benefit of those who love me and keep all my commandments, and him that seeketh to do so.” It is the attitude of our hearts, not merely perfect obedience, that provides us with the Lords’ gifts.

SAVED BY GRACE

The gospel isn’t always fair—it’s merciful.

Some don’t like mercy because it seems too easy. In other words, “I can’t accept mercy because it doesn’t feel like justice.”

Hell receives power over individuals only to the extent and duration that are warranted for the payment of individual debts. It’s part of God’s plan (2 Ne. 9:27).

By definition, mercy can only be mercy if we don’t deserve it.

Grace

In the New Testament, grace refers to God’s attitude of goodwill that predisposes Him to act positively toward human beings.

We see a similar relationship between earthly parents and their children. Kids consume much more than they produce, yet parents are predisposed to treat them with favor.

The child’s entreaty “Please!” is an appeal for parental grace.

The term grace is also used to describe a quality that is responsive or reactive to human behavior. When spoken of in this sense, God’s favor or grace is not a preexisting given but is something that can be sought after, increased, decreased, or even lost completely by an individual’s own actions.

Saved by Grace

Latter Day Saints believe that the gospel covenant is provided by sheer grace, but it must be entered into by choice.

Did attaching a condition to grace destroy its character? Suppose someone offers you an all-expense-paid trip to Hawaii (grace), does requiring you to respond to the invitation by a specific date (work) nullify the graciousness of the gift? No!

Faith vs. Works

To insist that we can be saved by works alone insults the mercy Christ extended. And to say that we are saved by grace alone insults the justice of God and makes Christ the minister of sin.

The relationship between grace and works is that we are required to do what we are able to do, and Jesus Christ, the object of our faith, does what we are not yet able to do.

It is true that we cannot save ourselves by our works, but we can contribute something to the joint efforts of the partnership. The tern covenant implies that we must do something.

Two people riding on a tandem bicycle may not do the same amount of work, but if the weaker uses this fact as an excuse to pick up his feet, the arrangement goes from being a partnership to exploitation.

Doing all we can do demonstrates our sincerity and our commitment to the covenant.

Resisting Grace

Three reasons why believing we can save ourselves is not only misinformed but evil:

It places an impossible burden eventually leading to give up on God.

It keeps us from admitting our dependence on Christ and recognizing His role as Savior.

It perpetuates the arrogance that one is without imperfection, i.e. it’s pride.

In Moses 4:1 we are told that Satan insisted, “Surely I will do it; wherefore give me thine honor.” When we fail to admit our utter dependence on God, we are guilty of a satanic attitude.

My Yoke is Easy

Grace has eliminated every excuse but one: “I just don’t want to follow you; I prefer my sins to your kingdom.”

Some will not submit to Christ because they believe that doing so would make life too easy (Alma 37:46).

Some Fruits of Grace

It has the power to transform us, to give us a mighty change of heart.

MISUNDERSTANDING GRACE

The false doctrine of salvation by grace without commitment violates the terms of the gospel covenant by asking Jesus to do for me what I could very well do for myself—but don’t want to.

Certainly those who say, “I’m doing the best I can,” but then willfully break the commandments need to learn the difference between wanting righteousness and wishing they wanted righteousness (D&C 50:7-8).

Easy Grace

Grace doesn’t permit us not to serve, it simply states that we should not feel guilty for the service we cannot render.

The only proof that what God says is true comes through the private witness of the Spirit.

Gospel Superlatives

There are a great many superlatives used in the scriptures and the Church to exhort the Saints and describe their obligations: all our heart, our greatest desire, always, every, never, and so on. We must remember that applied to mortals these terms are aspirational—that is, they define our desires and set our goals—that in each case the circumstances of the individual determine what “all,” “the best,” or “the greatest” mean, and that “never,” “every,” or “always” are goals to be reached with the help of Christ through his atonement.

After All We Can Do

At first glance, we may think that grace is provided only after all we can do, but this is false, for we have received gestures of grace before we even come to this point (See 2 Nephi 25:23). Actually, this scripture denotes logical separateness rather than temporal sequence. We are saved by grace “apart from all we can do” or “regardless of all we can do.” “We are saved by grace, after all is said and done.”

Even the phrase “all we can do” is susceptible to a sinister interpretation as meaning every single good deed we could conceivably have ever done. But if this were so, none could qualify for the grace of God. If is precisely because we don’t always do everything we could have done that we need a savior in the first place. The emphasis should be “all we can do” as opposed to all he can do.

But when have I Done Enough?

The right question is “When is my offering acceptable to the Lord? When are my efforts acceptable for the time being?” You see, the answer to the former question, “When have I done enough?” is never in this life. Since the goal is perfection, the Lord can never unconditionally approve an imperfect performance.

When you enjoy the gift of the Holy Ghost and gifts of the Spirit, you may know that God accepts your efforts—for now—and that we are justified before God by our faith in Christ.

Giving Him Everything

As long as we won’t give up but endure to the end in the gospel harness, pulling toward the kingdom, our reward is sure.

False Perfection

The use of the word perfect as “unimprovable” is almost never its scriptural meaning.

In the New Testament the Greek word translated “perfect” is teleios. It means ripe, mature, ready, complete, whole, and so forth. An apple on the tree might be called teleios when it was ripe and ready to be picked, but that doesn’t mean it was an unimprovable apple. It might still have a worm in it.

Brigham Young explained perfection to be “…if they do the very best they know how, they are perfect…and justified.”

Then Why the Demand for More?

One purpose of the Church is to perfect the Saints. Since we make the most progress by working at the limits of our abilities, then no matter how much we do or how well we do it, the Lord—like the spotter in the gym—will always ask for more, will always seek improvement, will always push us toward perfection. We perform at the limits of our abilities (for that is where the real power is gained) and let God worry about the rest.

The “easiness” of the Savior’s yoke does not mean we can expect to be excused from the hard tasks of life. Rather his yoke is easy (a) because it makes what was formerly impossible (the yoke of the law of Moses) possible and (b) because he grants compensatory blessings and grace to help through the hard times.

Individual Perfection

Occurs someday after death.

The Comfort of Knowing

“Let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.” (D&C 123:17; 106:8; Eph. 3:12.)

We must believe before we will feel the confirmation we’re looking for.

Trust Me

At times, when the panic of life threatens to paralyze us, we must believe Christ. We must hear his voice, “Calm Down! I’m your Father, and I love you. I’m not going to let anything happen to you. I’ve got you! You’re perfectly safe. Now relax and trust me, and I’ll teach you what you need to do.”

“LORD, HOW IS IT DONE?”

Now we must look at the Atonement from the perspective of the One who atones, of the Savior rather than of the saved.

The Divinity of Christ

First of all, Jesus was God, not only the Son of God or the Elder Brother, but God in his own right.

The Apostle Paul explains that Christ created all things and has the power to hold all his creations together (Col. 1:16).

During the events associated with the Atonement, God—in the person of God the Son, Jesus Christ—took moral responsibility for all the negatives—the suffering, pain, and death—that are a necessary part of the plan of God.

At times, the plan asks us to suffer; it asks some of us to suffer horribly. It is therefore only fair that the God who administers such a plan and who asks us to live by it should himself be willing to suffer under its provisions more than any of us.

In the gospel of Jesus Christ, there are no “fall guys.” For he who proposed the plan is the one who suffers the most under it. This gives him the moral right to say, “It is a good plan; it’s the right thing.”

Some critics have suggested that Christianity is just another religion of human sacrifice. The profound difference is that with human sacrifices the intent is that human beings suffer to reconcile God to humanity, while in Christianity God himself—Jesus Christ—suffers and dies to reconcile humanity to himself and to his Father.

The Humanity of Christ

The same Jesus Christ who is God the Son is also one of us. He was human in every respect (“in all things”)—right down to being tempted like other human beings. And because he personally has been tempted, Christ can empathize with us and help us to overcome temptation.

It doesn’t matter how patiently a bird might show me how to fly, or a fish might show me how to breathe underwater. I don’t have wings, and I don’t have gills. These cannot teach me because we are not the same being. Christ was genuinely human, so he could be the perfect example.

Being tempted, even being tempted greatly or over a long period of time, is not in itself a sin. We seldom choose what we will be tempted by, or how strong or how frequent our temptations will be. Still, as long as we resist them, we remain innocent. Thus, for the scripture to maintain that he “hath suffered being tempted” does not insult the Savior or detract from his moral perfection.

Vicarious Suffering

According to the scriptures, he knows more of the dark side than any of us. He suffered every negative. In the Garden of Gethsemane and on the hill of Calvary, Jesus took upon himself the sins and the pains of all the world.

Jesus Christ did not just assume the punishment for our sins—he took the guilt as well.

If Jesus had assumed only the punishment for our sins but not the sins themselves, then when the penalty was paid, we would merely be “guilty but forgiven,” instead of being sanctified through the Atonement, being perfect-in-Christ.

In a sense it would be correct to say that while Jesus committed no sins, he has been guilty of them all and knows intimately and personally their awful weight.

Is it possible that the Heavenly Father had really forsaken him? Yes, indeed. For Christ had become guilty of the sins of the world, guilty in our place. What happens to the rest of us when we are guilty of sin? The spirit withdraws from us, the heavens turn to brass, and we are left alone to stew in our guilt until we repent. (D&C 76:107.)

Below All Things

In Gethsemane and on Calvary, in his horrible suffering and death, the Savior descended below all things, just as in his resurrection he ascended above all things. Between those two events, Jesus Christ compassed either personally or vicariously the whole range of possible human experiences and circumstances from the worst to the best. He has been lower than the lowest of us and higher than the highest, so “that he comprehended all things.”

An Infinite Atonement

When Christ descended below all things, he crossed the line from the finite, that which can be measured, to the infinite. (2 Ne. 9:7.)

[Excerpts from the Scriptures]

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. . . Have ye not read this scripture; The stone which the builders rejected is become the head of the corner? [For] “This is my work and my glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.”

* * * *

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. The same was in the beginning with God. All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life; and the life was the light of men. And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.

There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. The same came for a witness, to bear witness of the Light, that all through him might believe. He was not that Light, but was sent to bear witness of that Light. That was the true Light, which lighteth every man that cometh into the world. He was in the world, and the world was made by him, and the world knew him not. He came unto his own, and his own received him not. But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name: Which were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God. And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, (and we beheld his glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father,) full of grace and truth. John bare witness of him, and cried, saying, This was he of whom I spake, He that cometh after me is preferred before me: for he was before me. And of his fulness have all we received, and grace for grace. For the law was given by Moses, but grace and truth came by Jesus Christ.

* * * *

The beginning of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, the Son of God:

The angel Gabriel was sent from God unto a city of Galilee, named Nazareth, To a virgin espoused to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David; and the virgin’s name was Mary. And the angel came in unto her, and said, Hail, thou that art highly favoured, the Lord is with thee: blessed art thou among women. And when she saw him she was troubled at his saying, and cast in her mind what manner of salutation this should be. And the angel said unto her, Fear not, Mary: for thou hast found favour with God. And, behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and shalt call his name JESUS. He shall be great, and shall be called the Son of the Highest: and the Lord God shall give unto him the throne of his father David: And he shall reign over the house of Jacob for ever; and of his kingdom there shall be no end. Then said Mary unto the angel, How shall this be, seeing I know not a man? And the angel answered and said unto her, The Holy Ghost shall come upon thee, and the power of the Highest shall overshadow thee: therefore also that holy thing which shall be born of thee shall be called the Son of God. For with God nothing shall be impossible. And Mary said, Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word.

And Mary arose in those days, and went into the hill country with haste, into a city of Juda; And entered into the house of Zacharias, and saluted Elisabeth. And it came to pass, that, when Elisabeth heard the salutation of Mary, the babe leaped in her womb; and Elisabeth was filled with the Holy Ghost: And she spake out with a loud voice, and said, Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb.

Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost. Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not willing to make her a publick example, was minded to put her away privily. But while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost. And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name JESUS: for he shall save his people from their sins. Now all this was done, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken of the Lord by the prophet, saying, Behold, a virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Emmanuel, which being interpreted is, God with us. Then Joseph being raised from sleep did as the angel of the Lord had bidden him, and took unto him his wife: And knew her not till she had brought forth her firstborn son.

And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed. And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city. And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.

(And, in America, Nephi) cried mightily unto the Lord all that day, and the voice of the Lord came unto him, saying: Lift up your head and be of good cheer; for behold, the time is at hand, and on this night shall the sign be given; and on the morrow come I into the world. . .

And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. . .

And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us. And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger. And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child. And all they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the shepherds. But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart. And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them.

Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judaea in the days of Herod the king, behold, there came wise men from the east to Jerusalem, Saying, Where is he that is born King of the Jews? for we have seen his star in the east, and are come to worship him. When Herod the king had heard these things, he was troubled, and all Jerusalem with him. And when he had gathered all the chief priests and scribes of the people together, he demanded of them where Christ should be born. And they said unto him, In Bethlehem of Judaea: for thus it is written by the prophet, And thou Bethlehem, in the land of Juda, art not the least among the princes of Juda: for out of thee shall come a Governor, that shall rule my people Israel. Then Herod, when he had privily called the wise men, enquired of them diligently what time the star appeared. And he sent them to Bethlehem, and said, Go and search diligently for the young child; and when ye have found him, bring me word again, that I may come and worship him also. When they had heard the king, they departed; and, lo, the star, which they saw in the east, went before them, till it came and stood over where the young child was. When they saw the star, they rejoiced with exceeding great joy. And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; gold, and frankincense, and myrrh. And being warned of God in a dream that they should not return to Herod, they departed into their own country another way.

* * * *

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and peace there shall be no end, upon the throne of David, and upon his kingdom, to order it, and to establish it with judgment and with justice from henceforth even for ever. 

“Happiness is the design and object of our existence, and will be the end thereof if we pursue the path that leads to it.” –Joseph Smith

“People are about as happy as they make up their mind to be.” –Abraham Lincoln

“People worry a lot about happiness. If they’d quit worrying about it and get on with doing what they need to be doing, they’d be a whole lot less unhappy”. -RC

 

20/20 News Program, January 2008

Determinants of Happiness

1. 50% is in the genes, e.g. some people just seem to be “born happy”
2. 10% is circumstances, e.g. childhood, looks, health, social status, where live
3. 40% is intentional attitudes and choices, particularly:

Goals and their pursuit

Relationships, which requires the ability and effort to develop and maintain them

Positive meditation: Kind thoughts, compassion, counting blessings

Half hour each day can make the change in 2 weeks!

Fundamentals of Happiness

1. Certain activities create feelings of happiness, e.g. socializing, praying, sex

Happiness is not a “state”; it comes a moment at a time, from things engaged in

Having kids was not shown necessarily to give happiness

2. Money: Have enough, not too much [a little more than friends], and spend it well
3. All happiness has some social basis: Not what you do, but who you do it with

The happiest people have a rich social life

4. Have a life “calling”, or use sheer will to turn your work into one
5. Develop “flow”. Easy to do with something you love; follow your bliss

Happiest places on earth [US is 23d]*

Denmark is the happiest country, despite 63% tax rate

Homogeneous society: 9 of 10 are full-blood Danes, 8 of 10 are Lutheran

All jobs have similar pay and status, and there is strong trust of each other

Everyone is well provided for, and there are few rich and little desire for it

As Muslims, and conflict, increase in the population, happiness is declining

92% of Danes belong to one or more gov’t-sponsored social clubs

Singapore has the happiest people in Asia

This despite the fact it has extremely strict laws and high taxes

E.g. beaten with a cane for spitting in public

Believe US has too much freedom!

The country is clean, safe, stable, and economically secure

Corruption is discouraged by paying top gov’t officials $1mm per year

The people are more materialistic than the Danes, and somewhat less content

There are some rich people, but they feel least secure, and want even more

Unhappiest places are where there is extreme poverty, instability, or insecurity

E. g. starving countries in Africa

Italians are least happy in Europe, because of total corruption

 

THE EFFECTS OF SUCCESS ON HAPPINESS

ABC News program, circa 1992

Americans who were interviewed expressed several expectations re happiness:

Most believe money is the key, but studies proved newly rich are only happy for about a year

Then, no matter how much they have, it is not enough and they want more

Many may spend compulsively to maintain their “happiness”, till bankrupt

Those who seek fame, as might be expected, are happy only as long as fame continues

Those who are ambitious are happy only as long as they continue to climb upward

Must continue to exceed the apparent success of others

All these things fail to bring real or lasting happiness

Contrary to these beliefs, several principles are conducive to continued real happiness:

Need to believe we have substantial control in our life

Found even among babies a few months old

Most important factor, ahead of money, for employees

Cannot feel in control unless accept responsibility for the things that happen to you

Need to be basically optimistic. Provides confidence one can deal with inevitable problems

With optimism, defeat spurs us on, rather than beating us down, and achievement follows

Need to work. Leisure is a curse to happiness; need meaningful activity

Need to get caught up in and experience challenge and the opportunity for achievement

While working in pursuit of other things, happiness happens

Need to have close relationships to which we are committed

Relationships, e.g. marriage, often break up when success occurs. Unhappiness follows

Need to believe something is more important than ourselves

Faith in God, and service to him, is a usual underpinning to all the other criteria for happiness

Gives sense of purpose and of commitment to something greater

MISCELLANY

Jean Chatsky, Money Magazine, polled 1,500 people. The finding:

Annual income over $50,000 makes no difference to happiness

Simmons and Chatsky: Purposeful work, religion, and family make people happy

Many have negative mental tapes that say, “You’re not happy, shouldn’t be happy, don’t deserve to be happy”. Those tapes need to be fought

Dr John Izzo, who studies happiness,interviewed 250 people age of 60-106. They all agreed there are five true secrets to happiness: Be True to Yourself, Leave No Regrets, Become Love, Live the Moment, and Give More Than You Take.

CONCLUSIONS

• Achieving happiness can be accomplished, and it is therefore worth the effort!

Circumstances [10%] can be worked on to a degree; attitude and activities [40%] a lot

• Look for something greater than self: e.g. God, a cause, community, service, etc
• Spend time each day reading “feel-good” stories, and displace the negative tapes
• Maintain many social contacts and close relationships, e.g. family, and make them good
• Have short- and long-term goals: career, hobbies, travel, etc, and work regularly toward them
• Avoid materialism, but work on having enough to comfortably meet needs
• Deal with and resolve the problems in your life

 

This is a terrible world, filled with violence, misery, and hate

This is a wonderful world, filled with kindness, happiness, and love

Which world do you choose to see?

Which world do you choose to live in?

– RC

*Suicide rates/100,000: Russia: 34.3. Japan: 24. Denmark: 13.6. Sweden: 13.2. Iceland: 12.6. Canada: 11.9. Norway: 11.5. U.S: 11. Singapore: 9.5. Italy: 7.1. U.K: 7. Jamaica: 0.1.

 

 – Ps 82:6

How is your self esteem? Can you judge? Know how it differs from ego? How it relates to umility?

Self esteem is crucial: [Steinbeck:] to like others, [Maxwell:] to love God, [Kimball:] to CTR

Psychologist MacDougall [quoted by Kimball]:

“The first thing to be done to help a man to moral regeneration is to restore his self-respect.”

Much—most?—evil is done not by evil people from evil intentions, but from low self esteem, protecting a sorry ego

Everyone is insecure, just a question of what areas, how much. Tho we’re not unique, often let it grind us down:

Anger, defensiveness, lack confidence, fear, indecisiveness, poor relationships, argumentativeness, controlling, hide it, pull others down, seek constant approval, boastfulness

Recognize the appearance of confidence and self esteem in others can be deceptive

Paradoxically, some of the seemingly most confident people are some of the most insecure

What’s on the outside does not always reflect what’s on the inside—they fake it

Arrogance is always evidence of low self esteem, whatever status may appear to be

[Covey:] The focus today is on technique [outward skills], not character [inward battle]

Recognize can have self esteem despite insecurities. [D&C:] “I give men weakness. . .” Be grateful for it!

[Kimball:] “God, help me to hold a high opinion of myself. Not an abnormally developed self-esteem that becomes haughtiness, conceit, or arrogance, but a righteous self-respect that might be defined as belief in one’s own worth, worth to God, and worth to man.” Gives confidence: “Right is might”

J. Smith was humble, but many thought him arrogant. He was certainly cocky!

The difference? [J Smith:] Nature of man to desire to excel, but should want others to excel also

Since self esteem is imperative both to temporal and spiritual success, how develop true, healthy self esteem?

First. The foundation: “Who am I?” 1] Child of God—literally. 2] His elect, with promises: “Eye hath not seen”

How know? Scriptures, P. Blessing, prayer, [Jesus:] “What manner of men ought ye to be?”

We should be what others admire and want righteously to emulate. Think it, look it, talk it, act it:

[Mandela:] “Playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened. . .”

[Jesus:] Salt; “Do not hide your light under bushel”. [Gillette:] “Look sharp, Feel sharp, Be sharp!”

Be grateful, grateful, grateful—let it fill your soul to bursting

Second. The acronym “CAST”. Each of the 4 is necessary—not enough to know God loves you

To extent develop these, will have self esteem. Must be a balance—excess of one will not compensate

C: Conscience can eat you alive! “All have sinned”, but have I truly repented? Resolved with Bishop? [Duplantis:] “Admit it, quit it, forget it”. Have sense of forgiveness, worthiness from Spirit?

Need to feel, deep inside, God has forgiven you, and sacrifice is acceptable. “Tho sins as scarlet”

A: Achievement. Reasonable success at the things that really matter

Spiritual, educational, relational, occupational

Requires goals, work, growth, dealing with challenges and failure: [Churchill:] “Never give up!”

But measure by proper yardstick, not world’s: How much good done, own gifts [Covey:] Mission

How good are you? At least as good as the best you’ve ever done. With God, vast limits

S: Service. The Dead Sea takes in but won’t give out. [Jesus:] “Cast thy bread upon the water”

Most imp: Lift others and build their self esteem: Help them become their best, too

T: Tapes. Negative mental tapes—most from childhood—go round and round in our head, e.g. Dick Carlson

How you think: Need to replace the negative mental tapes with positive. [Prov:] “Dog returns to its vomit”

[McKay:] “Tell me what a man thinks about, and I’ll tell you what he is.” Think like one of elect

Force self to focus on positives. One negative can grow huge if focused on—fight them!

Remind yourself who you are, what capable of, both in life and eternity

For good self esteem, keep it simple: 1] develop the principles of CAST: clear your Conscience, work to Achieve worthy goals, Serve, replace negative Tapes. 2] Focus always on who you are: Not only a child of God, but his elect. Ps 82:6 and Rom 8:17 tell us, “Ye are gods, and children of the most High”. . . “and as children, heirs of God, and joint heirs with Jesus Christ”. Be humbly grateful to the Lord for his promise—and believe in yourself by believing him.

-David Lieberman, PhD

SIGNS OF DECEPTION [Some of these seem contradictory. Look for number, combinations, and patterns]

Body Language

Little eye contact; will not face, head or body shifts away and shrinks, slouches

Limited physical expression, stiff mechanical movements, arms and legs held close to body

Gestures don’t match and are out of time with words and emotions, partial shrugs

Closed hands, do not use finger to point, touch self only on face and throat

Do not touch others, may absent-mindedly place objects in between you

Look up and in direction of dominant eye to invent a “memory” [opposite to recall one]

Everyone has “tells”, if you can identify them. Covering mouth is common

He is anxious [may fake casualness], and changing the subject causes him to relax

Remains expressionless when accused [focused on planning a defense]

He does not become indignant when “falsely” accused, as an innocent person would

What Is Said

Hates silence, and will tend to talk [Stare and wait for him to start talking]

Keeps volunteering more info to try to convince; parrots your words to make his point

Changes subject or uses red herrings trying to limit challenges [Innocent insist on resolving]

Comes up with “better” alternatives, to sidetrack the issue

Freudian slips; Projection: People often guilty of what they accuse others

Depersonalizes answer, i.e. states his “belief” on the subject, rather than a direct answer

Implies the answer, rather than stating it directly

Doesn’t use contractions, e.g. says, “It was not me”

Tries to establish rapport and trust by talking of things in common

Beware compliments and confirmations of your beliefs and attitudes

If he focuses on consequences, probably lying [if continues to deny fault, probably not]

Uses phrases like, “To tell the truth”, “Honestly”, and has pat answers

What he claims sounds implausible, or he uses humor or sarcasm to belittle accusations

As they say, if it sounds too good to be true it probably is

Numbers seem to match or be multiples of each other

A lie about one thing makes everything said questionable

How It’s Said

Defensive [vs. going on offense, which is a sign of truth], and looks for reassurances

Statements may sound like questions, indicating a need for reassurance [Be noncommittal]

Stalling, e.g. asking to repeat or rephrase questions. Deceitful responses may take time to think up

Response may be out of proportion or context to the question, e.g. politicians

May leave out pronouns, garble grammar and syntax

More interested in how he sounds than whether you understand

Any third party point of view is absent [which would have to be invented]

Often leave out the negatives of a story as well as other details [which have to be invented]

Answers your questions but does not ask any

HUMAN BEHAVIOR

Decisions are 90% emotional. Appeal to emotion, with logic to justify

Easy to lie to one who wants to be deceived. Takes exceptional person to see unpleasant truth

Actions are taken to avoid pain or receive pleasure. Watch their motives and reinforce this

Situations seem most significant if crucial, all-encompassing, and permanent

Vs. insignificant, isolated, and temporary. Emphasize whichever fits strategy

Emotional state is directly related to physical state. Try to change first by changing second

Involve all of the senses possible

If arguing is futile, stop. Exaggerating their point of view may show them the absurdity of it

People will only change their mind if given at least some additional info—a “new” decision

People tend to do what you expect. E.g., acting as if something is a fait accompli is powerful

To get someone to do something, simplify how easy it is, and vice versa

Always be willing to walk away, or they know they gotcha

STRATEGY AND TACTICS

General Principles

When the signs of lying are there, believe it

Prepare in advance: Review evidence, set strategy, think of questions, etc. Call him by name

Always control emotions. If you act angry it better be feigned

Decide whether to build rapport, be confrontational, fake anger, act ignorant or naive, etc

To build rapport, match posture, movements, speech patterns, vocabulary, things in common

Establish “baseline”: Ask questions you know answers to, and observe behavior, emotions, etc

Never reveal what you know, except intentionally as a tactic

Never ask a person to tell the truth, ask them to tell the “whole story”

Avoid interrupting, and use silence to draw out additional responses

Direct the conversation: The one who takes the initiative determines the course of conversation

At the end of their statement, to elicit more, say: Meaning? And? So? Now? Why? How?

If he won’t let you talk say, “Answer this so I can give you my full attention”, “Let me get your opinion”, “I know you’d want me to ask this”, “Before you say anything else, answer this”, “Can anyone else get a word in edgewise?”, “I don’t think that’s correct”, etc.

It may be a battle of wills, so refuse to back down—be overtly or subtly relentless

In General Conversation

Casually talk “about” the situation, or about certain principles, with no hint of accusation

Do not be too general or too specific, and be very casual

Watch for signs: evasiveness, defensiveness, changing the subject, body language, etc

Change the subject briefly, to see if he relaxes when the heat’s off

Ask for a fact and note if the answer is slow, evasive, lacks detail, tries to change the subject

Add a false, plausible fact or expand on their fact and see if they simply go along with it

Ask for proof, in a non-threatening way, without direct accusation

If know almost all, and can guess rest, set up questions to which response shows guilt

Allude, rather than accuse

Describe a similar “hypothetical” scenario to the one at issue, that puts the heat on

e.g. “It’s curious how someone could think they could do X with no one seeing them”

Introduce evidence with the preamble you expect he can explain it away

Act as if something is bothering you or you are hurt, but don’t discuss it directly

Making It Difficult To Lie

Try to have the evidence for your case nailed down, so there’s no basis to deny it

Don’t accuse or ask for confession, assume the facts, state at least 2 truisms pointing to truth

If possible, keep him from knowing the answer you want so he doesn’t know how to lie

Assume the act by shifting focus from what was done to why. Encourage self-justification

Act distant and apathetic. It makes him feel insignificant, and he may want to “show you”

Direct Confrontation [This will cut off further indirect approaches]

Face directly, and move closer. Act quickly, speak fast, and keep the pressure on

Demand specific info, so simple denial is not enough. Use open-ended questions

Ask leading questions that assume the answer. Begin with innocuous ones

Make outrageous, exaggerated accusations and observe the reaction

Act as if you know for certain what you don’t know, and play on guilt. Everyone has some

Say, “We both know what I’m referring to” or “Everyone knows”, and hold your ground

Claim third-party confirmation. Peer pressure can be powerful

“Silver Bullet” Tactics:

Ask, “Anything you want to get off your chest?” Open-ended way to put him on the defensive

Volunteer something of your own misbehavior—preferably worse

Imply the act was actually good, or had good effect. Offer a reduced punishment—or reward

Show how refusing cooperation gets him nothing or worse, and cooperation will get something

Create a deadline or, on the contrary, keep him in the dark about when the axe will fall`

Blame yourself, a third party, or an accident of circumstances to give him an excuse

Appeal to ego, either attack or inflate it

Do not necessarily explain the threat in detail, keep it vague, create an unknown

Reverse course, by acting as if the answer he thinks you want really isn’t

Confuse the chronology or actual time, which is difficult for him to track if he’s lying

Go back over the same territory, if a situation is complex, and see if answers change

Horns of a dilemma: He may admit to one thing if the option is something worse

Cut off conversation after accusations are made. Innocent person will insist on talking about it

Propose a very difficult option. If he readily agrees he has no intention of complying

TRUTH BLOCKERS TO GUARD AGAINST

Self-Deception: From own opinions, attitudes, emotions, beliefs. Must recognize and suspend

You’re like me: We tend to believe those who seem to be like us

Gifts: May be trying to create an obligation [Or contra, per B. Franklin]

Half price: Half of what? All comparisons are subject to question

At least do this: Asks for something big, then what is really wanted seems relatively small

Bandwagon effect: Everyone is doing it

The white lab coat: Creates the specious appearance of expertise and credibility

Statistics: Use of statistics and charts creates “official”, factual, often false, appearance

Hard to get: Rare doesn’t mean valuable

I’m on your side: Maybe, but what axe is he grinding?

What are you actually getting?: Is it really what you thought you were promised?

Reverse psychology: Subtle attack on ego to get you to do what you don’t really want to

SOCIOPATHS [The rules go out the window]

They are professional liars, and they can strip you clean before you know what hit you

Have lied so long and pervasively they can no longer tell truth from lies

They demonstrate all the signs of telling the truth. Can even fool a lie detector

Watched Bill Clinton in a TV interview. All the right signs were there:

Eye contact, leaned forward and faced, pointed finger, total sincerity—he believes himself

Not only highly accomplished liars, but also often charming and expert in social graces

Seem too good to be true. You really like them and want to believe and trust them

May work with great subtlety and convincing rationalizations to involve you in their schemes

Charming people may be genuine, but watch carefully for signs of dishonesty—and believe them

They rationalize, joke about honesty, act counter to their “values”—with excuses for their actions

Insist others are 1] dishonest, so dishonesty is a justified “defense”, or are 2] sheep to be sheared

–Wm. Byham

Zapp! is the key to successful organizations

Only way for continuous improvement

Only way to continue to adapt in constant change

Only way to succeed against increasing competition

Only way to get excited about work, to take responsibility

Only way to achieve “critical mass”

It is easy to Sapp. It is hard to Zapp

First step to Zapp: Maintain self-esteem of self and others

Second step to Zapp: Listen and respond with empathy

Third step to Zapp: Ask for help in solving problems

Seek ideas, suggestions, and information

Soul of Zapp: Offer help w/o taking away responsibility

Most important person: employee’s immediate supervisor

Delegation is central to Zapp. Choices in delegating:

Keep the task

Delegate responsibility without authority

Delegate responsibility and authority

This is the only way to Zapp

With delegation comes the need to set up controls

A boss who over-controls Sapps his people

A boss who abandons control Sapps his people

A boss who uses situational control Zapps his people

People respond negatively to inappropriate controls

Share responsibility, don’t abandon responsibility

Mgmt still has responsibility to: Know what’s going on;

set direction; make final decisions; ensure on course;

clear the way

Zapp does not guide, it excites. Action must be channeled:

Set the direction to go

Provide knowledge, skills, and training

Provide resources

Delegate

Determine the goal

As goals are achieved, set others

Establish measurements and give constant feedback

If possible, let people set their own goals, measurements, timetable, etc

Creating teams spreads Zapp [or Sapp, if not successful]

Zapped team more productive than group of Zapped

individuals

Give team members a say in team membership

Establish a mission for the team

Provide time and place to meet

Provide technical training at the right time

Provide leadership for interacting, solving problems,

making decisions, taking action

Allow team to handle as many issues as possible:

Work assignments, motivation, leader selection, goals,

members, productivity, problem solving, etc.

More decisions team can make, more Zapped they are

Coaching

Be a model of Zapp: Knowledge, responsibility, enthusiasm

teamwork, trust,etc.

Explain purpose and importance; describe process to use;

show how; observe practice and give feedback; express

confidence; agree on follow-up

Learning more about the job boosts Zapp

People learn faster from successes than failures

Provide a Zapp organization

Fattening Sapps, Flattening Zapps

Protect people from Sapp and from people who cause Sapp

Be sure subordinate managers have Zapp skills

Coach and monitor them

Reward Zapp immediately

Provide a clear path up

Generally create an environment which encourages Zapp

Keep learning, growing, progressing

Keep studying and practicing these notes!

–McGinnis

 

Goal is not to make lazy people industrious–it can’t be done

Rather to channel energies of energetic people

There must be an inner drive already there

Not manipulation, but persuasion to work in own best interest

Find goals good for all and develop a “partnership”

Success depends more on leadership than hard work

Success always requires leverage

Leader must be a working psychologist

Spend the time organizing and motivating–leverage

Success must occur through the group for best effect

Positive mental set of the group generates enthusiasm

Enthusiasm feeds on itself until “critical mass”

occurs, like a nuclear reaction

Strongly shared values and objectives provides a “culture”

An extra 10% from each person is difference between

failure and success

COMMIT TO EXCELLENCE AND EXPECT THE BEST

Have strict core values–build team which supports

Encourage pride in a good job; they buy in or get out

Loose standards say its not worth caring about

Stay with them and push–raise hell if not done

Reprimand 1) immediately 2) confirm facts 3) be specific

4) show feelings. Allow them to be unhappy with you

Set the standard for each goal and make it clear: people

want to do a good job

Attitude: the best is always yet to be done

Create environment where people can do all they are capable

Believe in the best

A person is as good as the best he’s ever done

Build on people’s strengths; deemphasize weaknesses

Help them to succeed–concentrate on this

Great ability is the ability to recognize ability

Difficulty should be a challenge–struggle excites and inspires

People long for a cause–try to create causes

A cause will overcome boredom and lack of focus

Do not intimidate or ask the impossible

Provide for a series of successes

Goals must be challenging but realistic

Graded progression provides for feedback

MOTIVATION

Start from where the person is, not where they ought to be

Help people recognize what they want and how to get it

Use two-way communication

Must know the person and his values–everyone is

different

Dig for needs and wants–these are in constant flux

Continuously seek to better understand people dealt with

People will explain how to motivate them if talk to enough

Help people set goals, plan, and then achieve the plan

Encourage big dreams and write down goals

Work to develop their ideas which you can support

Help people clarify their goals which are mutual

In effect, join their bandwagon

Goals must fit the group effort, and be very specific

Divergence from goal will energize correction

Same stimulus as hunger or frustration

Get commitment from individuals to support the group

Be certain public declaration only on positive concepts

Treat negatives by ignoring–addressing only reinforces

Maintenance of perceived self is basis of all behavior

Get them started

Attitudes follow behavior

Get a small commitment; later ask for larger, congruent

one–it supports the new self-image

Use models of success

Models may be from outside or inside the group

Stories of conflict, struggle, success

These stir feelings and change attitudes

Prove achievement is within reach

Create visual images of success

Have people relive own successes

Small Successes Lead to Bigger Ones

Repeater tendency: success breeds success

Look for successes–even small ones–and encourage

Develop the art of praise to reinforce desired behavior

Make gratitude a habit; employees, customers, etc.

People starve for appreciation

Create a winning environment

Develop systems to reinforce winning

Poor companies: less than half meet company’s goals.

Good companies: most do.

Use: public commendations, give something tangible,

every success is a celebration, put it in writing if really

exceptional, be specific (this also reinforces). Do this

for customers too.

Too much reward weakens motivation

Don’t create reinforcement junkies

Praise the process as well as the result

E.g.: Someone trying hard may not be succeeding

TEAMWORK

Key is to draw people to the group, more than to the leader

Most work best in a team

Mutual loyalty develops need to belong: reward cooperation

Assign high value to communication

Group takes responsibility for own standards

Group must believe leader puts their needs first

Must be genuinely caring–develop relationship of

trust

If so, will even put up with an autocrat

Share discomfort, danger

Be consistent, keep your word, treat people fairly

Absolutely never betray a trust

Breach is fastest demoralizer

Individual must know he’s part of group, but still an

individual

The individual must count (e.g., if you salvage one

employee, it is noted by all)

Have fun–take time to keep people laughing; go away

together

Competition

Instinct to compete born in most people; strong tool

for motivation, but use sparingly

Encourage excelling, not beating

Use comparisons to inspire, not criticize

Emotions provide great drive

Anger, fear, etc.–but use with care

Must be legitimate: injustice, wrong, etc.

Provide focus and energy and pull people together

MANAGE FAILURE

Ability to deal with failure varies extremely among people

Fear of failure kills drive

Failure inevitable–must be able to remotivate after

Ability to fail is critical to success

Be aware of failure and have a plan to counteract it

People must know failure is not fatal

Responsibility but not blame

E.g. shift jobs, assign task that allows success, etc.

Plan must fit circumstances and person

Praise and Reprimand

Use both, however negative must also include instruction

Do not be punitive or mean–but be bloody direct

Must fear consequences of actions–not you

Be tough but fair; show legitimate emotions

Do not procrastinate reproof–do it immediately

If privileges removed, do so for only short time

Provide means to earn back

Purpose not to control but to guide

Point out consequences and choices

Use guilt carefully and infrequently

Troublemakers

Have an allowance for storms

A lot easier to bank a fire than build one

The stronger the group, the more likely conflict will

occur

Absorb others’ complaints–let it ventilate up, not out

Know when to step in

Appeal to people’s best side

Get to reasons: real one v. one stated

Ask for help, rather than dictating

Allow for some strange behavior

Ask self: “Is it really damaging”

Weigh contribution: sometimes life just too short to

deal with someone; sometimes they’re worth the

problem

LEADERSHIP

Keys: 1) know the people 2) generate excitement

Enthusiasm is the flywheel which carries saw through

knots

A certain excessiveness is necessary. Be intense.

Don’t be “one of the boys”: a little eccentricity even helps

Think bold–but act. Be able to communicate the dream in a

big picture. Get people fired up. Take risks.

Take criticism well, no matter how it stings. Beware hubris.

Be certain everyone is getting full value

Keep own motivation high–that is a choice

Be really committed to the program

Monitor ideas coming into your mind–kill negative ones

Associate with successful, positive people

Plan goals in writing and continually review

Helping others can be life’s greatest happiness

Be future oriented

Love it, dream it, talk it–the best is still ahead!

–Dale Carnegie

 

[Note: When I taught negotiation I said that you frequently can either get what makes you feel good or you can get what you want. Ego is the problem. To get what you want, ego must be subordinated, which requires humility and sound self esteem. Carnegie’s famous bookHOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE offers specific techniques and has many examples. To be most effective, these principles must be followed as a matter of character, not as manipulative techniques. Following these principles requires acting differently from others and differently from natural inclinations. Perhaps the greatest leadership is to be able to practice these principles on oneself! While these skills are being developed, spend some time at the end of each day reviewing this outline and events of the day. Particularly analyze objectively your failures. How badly do you want to succeed at human relations?]

 

FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES FOR DEALING WITH PEOPLE

Always look for ways to give others honest and sincere appreciation

The thing people want most is to feel important

How you get a feeling of importance tells what your character is

People even go insane to feel important

Sincere, accurate appreciation is the most effective way to

make people feel important

Nourish their self-esteem–share their accomplishments and keep silent about your own

Speak ill of no one, and all the good you know of everyone

Flattery will not work–praise must be sincere and realistic

Practice by trying to have a positive effect on every person you meet

Never criticize or condemn others

All it does is cause resentment and kill desire

People will only make excuses when put on the defensive

Be humble: forgive and try to understand others. Remember:

Everyone has a story

If you will learn their story it’s almost impossible not to

like and respect them

Focus on what should be done, not on what is wrong

Arouse in others an eager want

Everything people do is because they want something

Only way to get anyone to do anything is if they want to

Seek pleasure or avoiding pain. Former is much more motivating

Show them how to get what they want, not what you want

Get to the other person’s point of view to find what they want

Try to get people to do something without ever talking

about what you want

Plant an idea and let them take the credit

TO MAKE OTHER PEOPLE LIKE YOU

Smile: It says, “I like you, I am glad to see you”

It can even be “seen” over the phone

Try to brighten others’ lives

Make doing what you do fun

Force yourself to smile–feeling follows action

Find a way to be grateful for your circumstances, whatever they are

Become genuinely interested in others

People are not interested in you, only in themselves

People like those who are interested in them

Be grateful when people give you their time and attention

Be as friendly as a dog, and sympathetic and helpful

Remember a person’s name is the sweetest sound

Make the effort to hear, learn, remember, and use it

Be a good listener; encourage them to talk about themselves and their interests

Be interested in what they are interested in

“Talk to people about themselves; they will listen for hours” -Disraeli

Listen intently, actively, and with concentration–let them do

most of the talking

Do not interrupt, contradict, correct, wander, or focus on

what you want to say next

Be a sounding board when needed: Better than giving advice

Make others feel important, sincerely

People’s deepest need. In all interactions try to fill it. Show

respect for everyone

Everyone is superior in some way. Find it and compliment it

Look for things to overtly admire by being sincerely

interested in other people

Do not try to impress with your own accomplishments

TO WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING

Begin in a quiet, soft-spoken, friendly way even when there is conflict

Smooth controversy by emphasizing points of agreement and

keeping a sense of humor

Talk in terms of their interests, to develop rapport, before

asking for anything

Lead, don’t drive. Aggressiveness does not lead to agreement

Let others do a great deal of the talking

When they recognize you really want to know their ideas

they will appreciate it and open up

Encourage them to come up with arguments pro and con and

weigh them for themselves

Plant an idea and let them develop it and feel it is theirs

Don’t ram your ideas down others’ throats. People don’t

like being “sold”

Ask others for advice

Get people saying “Yes”

Start with the things on which they agree. Get as many “yes”

answers as possible

Discuss their point of view and desires

Never argue

You can’t win an argument. Proving someone wrong won’t

make them like you

Jesus said, “Agree with thine adversary quickly”

Show respect for them and their opinions. Never say “You’re

wrong”

When told wrong, people want to argue, not agree

A look or intonation is as bad as words

Find a way to demonstrate someone is wrong without

actually saying so

e.g. Socratean method: ask questions that lead to the

answer

Try honestly to see things from their point of view

Even when wrong, others don’t think they are. Find

why think and act as do

Let the other person save face. You have no right to

damage another’s self respect

Agree you may be wrong and avoid all dogmatic or

inflammatory statements

Your open-mindedness can open the other’s mind

Minds can be changed only by gentle effort

Understand others’ opinions fully before making a

judgment

To keep disagreement from becoming argument:

• Welcome the disagreement–there’d be no progress if everyone always agreed!
• Sincerely thank them for their interest
• Distrust your own first impression–and say so
• Control your temper
• Emphasize areas of agreement; minimize disagreement
• Admit errors quickly, it shows courage and character
• Provide cooling down time for both to think; postpone the decision
• If they start yelling, let them get it out of their system, without over-reaction
• Keep listening to understand their point of view
• Express sympathy for their concerns, ideas, desires, and problems

Sincerely say: “I don’t blame you for thinking and feeling as you do. If I were you I am sure that I would also”

People crave sympathy; give it to them

TO BE A LEADER

When discipline is necessary, begin with praise and honest appreciation

Do not end a compliment with “but”, always use “and” as a

conjunction

Call attention to mistakes indirectly

Talk about how to improve, not what is wrong

Show humility and fairness by talking about your own

mistakes first

Instead of giving orders ask questions and give suggestions

Stimulate creativity and teamwork

Frame the request so it emphasizes the benefits to them

Praise the slightest improvement and every improvement

Use praise instead of criticism–reinforce positive behavior

Good things are reinforced and bad things will atrophy

To be credible, praise must be realistic, not flattery

Make the fault seem easy to correct

Praise things done right and minimize number and

magnitude of errors

Do not tell anyone they have no aptitude for something–

it destroys incentive and self esteem

Give others a reputation to live up to. Have high

expectations

They must respect you and know that you respect their ability

“Treat a person as he is, and he will remain as he is, but treat him as he can and ought to be and he will become such”

Appeal to nobler motives

People usually have two reasons: One that sounds good and

the real one

Help them think of the one that sounds good

Deemphasize the other

Throw down a challenge

All have fears, overcome them by challenge

Stimulate competition (with self and others), as a desire to excel

Dramatize

Stating something is not enough; use showmanship, get

attention: “A picture is worth a thousand words”

John Gottman

Book is based on empirical data from studies of 2000 marriages

Found much conventional wisdom is wrong

Similarities do not safeguard against divorce

Conflict does not necessarily lead to divorce

Anger is not a negative! It is necessary to a healthy marriage

It is how it is handled, not its existence. Value the struggles!

Lasting marriage results from resolution of inevitable conflicts

People who do not fight are likely in an unhappy marriage

Final solution is less important than communicating

Most important: The 5:1 ratio; Common arguing style

Women are the emotional leaders in marriage

Life conditions them to express, men to repress

Women can’t expect same verbal intimacy from husband as friend

Have unrealistic expectations of marriage

It is no one’s “job” to make the other happy

It’s usually the wife who begins the negative process

Attack causes withdrawal, attacks increase, w’drawal increases

Women tend to be too emotional, men too rational

In happy marriages this distinction is reduced

Men must learn not to avoid conflict, but to embrace anger

Recognize attack is not personal; Accept even if don’t agree

Women must confront gently, criticize less, stop mind reading

Both must learn more acceptance and treat respectfully

Successful marriages invariably use “repair mechanisms” in conflicts

Consciously and intentionally given and accepted to soothe

Express attention and affection, even if forced

Not necessarily done in a conciliatory tone, but they are done

May even be rude, but show involved, not withdrawing

Maintain eye contact, show you’re listening

Try to keep a sense of humor

At times don’t say anything, just listen

Do not issue ultimatums or force issues

Talk about how you are talking and arguing

Consciously agree to look for resolutions

The Magic Ratio: 5 to 1

5 positive strokes given by each for every negative hit

Most important determinant to successful marriage

Negatives are necessary to a healthy marriage

Better than 5 to 1 is not good!

There always will be differences, and these must be dealt with

Couples without conflict likely to end in divorce

One thing negatives do is reduce boredom and keep up passion!

Positives: Show interest, affection, caring, appreciation,

concern, empathy, acceptance, joke, share joy

In healthy marriages a “balance thermostat” kicks in for conflict

Positives—repair mechanisms—given, even if forced

They are carried and received by basic love and respect

Shown by gestures, eye contact, face, as well as words

Evidenced by positive comments to third parties about spouse

Marriages seem to settle into 1 of 5 styles—3 healthy, 2 not

Closer the marriage fits 1 of the 3, more likely to succeed

2 keys determine success: 5 to 1 ratio, agree on common style

Validating Style: Listen, understand, accept even if don’t agree

Little hostility, much respect and persuasion, moderate emotion

Each other’s best friend and good companion

Do a lot of active listening, mutual supporting

Much good faith and compromise to resolve conflicts

The classic ideal of a good marriage

Volatile Style: Very open about expressing negative feelings

Open and honest, often to the point of causing pain

Tease a lot, sometimes causing hurt; compete continually

Bicker over every minor thing, each trying to persuade

Interrupt rather than try to understand

See selves as both nurturing and expressive

But these serve to fuel the positives in the relationship

Many more negatives, but also many more positives

A lot of passion in the marriage—love “making up”

See selves as independent equals, interrupt each other often

Each needs a lot of personal space and independence

Avoidant Style: Minimize conflict, make light of differences

Little attempt made to solve issues: “agree to disagree”

Do not talk things out: Sweep conflicts under carpet and ignore

Focus on shared vision of a strong marriage

Bond so strong can overlook disagreement

Have least emotion and passion of 3 types

More the partners’ natural styles are same, more likely to succeed

Serious conflicts occur if styles differ; permeates all arguments

Each has different way to argue, show love, handle emotions

Every conflict has problem of how to argue and relate

E.g. avoidant style is seen as dishonesty by a volatile

Must analyze differences and compromise a common style

Survival of the marriage depends on this

Volatile and avoidant most difficult

Key: Whatever else, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling absolutely must be avoided by both. I.e. address the symptoms

2 types unhealthy marriages:

Hostile/engaged: Argue continually with great heat

Name calling and sarcasm, but look at each other and listen

Hostile/disengaged: Arguments hot, but do not look or listen

Generally detached and emotionally uninvolved with each other

Both types invariably characterized by a specific downward spiral

Criticism, then Contempt and Defensiveness, then Stonewalling

The 5 to 1 ratio is not maintained

The cycle is more and more difficult to break as it continues

Like a broken record, negative thoughts endlessly repetitive

If near a solution to an argument, one will sabotage

Healthy marriages can degenerate into one of these styles

Danger signs: Can’t remember why attracted, criticize to 3d

parties in front of spouse, remember nothing good from past

Criticism is general vs. complaints which are specific

“You are a jerk” vs. “I don’t like you yelling”

Complaining is good, and needs to be addressed

But complaints become criticism if they go unheeded

Frustration will lead into the spiral

Contempt is the intention to psychologically abuse partner

Attack sense of self by verbal and non-verbal abuse

Cannot even remember, do not communicate, any positives

Use by insults, name calling, sarcasm, mockery, body language

Done in front of 3d parties is absolute indicator of divorce

Defensiveness is completely natural reaction to contempt, criticism

Unfortunately, does not matter that you are right

It obstructs communication and nothing is resolved

Evidenced by: denying responsibility, excuses, cross-complaints,

yes-butting, repetitions—getting mutually louder and more vitriolic

Stonewalling is habitually refusing to listen to confrontation

Stonewallers are just trying to be neutral and avoid conflict

But partner becomes totally frustrated and wants to scream

Absolutely destructive. 85% are men, pressed by women

This downward spiral eventually becomes cast in stone

Feel like innocent victim: take no responsibility, take no action

Focus on righteous indignation: have total contempt, want revenge

Total emotional overload is a continual state

Identified by high heart rate, shallow breathing, tenseness

Become conditioned to respond irrationally

Everything a confirmation of negative feelings—self-fulfilling prophecy

Blind to any evidence of good, totally mistrustful

Every conflict reinforces futility; no longer try to resolve things

Continuously rehearse negative thoughts, forget all positives

Final stage: Parallel lives in same house; complete isolation from spouse

If the spiral is not broken and reversed the relationship is over

Once spiral down is cast in stone, only way to break is tell spouse:

“I love you and am lonely without you” [Not bad other times!]

Must consciously, intensely, and mutually work on specific plan:

Calm down. Disengage and take time-outs when necessary

Agree in advance to stick to one complaint per argument

Agree to argue only 15 minutes at a time—but agree to argue

Argue formally: agenda, state positions, divide argument time,

establish alternatives, look for compromises, make a decision

Validate each other verbally and by body language

Volatiles must learn this. Must tone down, edit what they say

Must follow common rules of politeness. Force it if needed

Express good as well as bad; apologize and take responsibility if wrong

Look for, specifically express positives and areas of agreement

Do not be hyperrational or give advice; acknowledge feelings

Agree absolutely not to criticize or express contempt

Force yourself to complain about specific incident only

Do not use arguments as a way to retaliate

Listen and speak non-defensively. Refuse to defend yourself

Must force self not to, it only results in escalation

Look for the imbedded complaint and respond only to that

Overlearn these techniques so can use when stressed—practice!

Share happy times: children, recreation, hobbies, business, church, etc.